On the 31st...

THIS.

I cannot wait.

So.. it's the end of term

...but I'm working for an additional three days next week.

I feel. Blank. Emotionless. Still.

Just. here.

I dunno if I'm excited or sad about the festivities and the overall holidays.

I just don't know..

Hm.

Realizations

I had a good pen and book session last night, and I came to realize so many things that I'm feeling that are completely irrational and unfinished.
These are things that I have decided to hold onto when they aren't doing any good to me, my mind or my spirit.

They are toxic.
So they need to be flushed out.

This all deals with the whole 'my mind being my own demon' thing that I mentioned not too long ago.
But what can I do?

I need to be positive-- to myself. I can be positive for other people.. But myself... It's a whole other ball game.
Before the year ends... I cannot enter the new year with such toxic thoughts and fabrications.

Sometimes I wonder how I can think of such things..
God. Your help. Please.

Inwardly

I was just thinking to myself..

'I'm going to be 27'

What do I have to show for it?

I don't FEEL like I'm nearing 30.. I still feel like I'm the same 21 year that I've always been. It's like once I hit that milestone.. I don't feel like I've aged... it's just the number that has increased.

I have definitely matured and I have definitely learned a lot about myself within the 5 years.. I've definitely grown.. (especially dealing with the tragic loss of my mother)

But it's like.. what do I have to show for all of these years that have passed? What have I accomplished? I have yet to write a book.. ok.. so I have been published, and I am a little more known in cyber world due to my writing (Well.. apparently.. some random person on twitter put me on their list for 'Writers to look out for in 2015')

But I dunno.. I feel like there's heaps more that I can accomplish, and that I will accomplish because I can feel with all of my bones that next year will be a year to remember-- for the good. It's about time I step up.

I pray to God that this is not empty speech, but I will have something more tangible to acknowledge in this blog next year.

There is always room to do more, and that's what I'm going to have to do!

"You still have time"

'How old are you?'

''26"

"Oh ok, you still have time to get married then"

What does this mean?

Is there a time limit on when you should be married? Who made the rules up to when you should get married? Is there a designated age where you NEED to be married before you start to look weird to people?

I've been getting this a lot of late, and just had to pose that question out. Like... it's always at the back of my mind but I'm not worrying too much about it--I'm not focused on it too much anymore because to me it's just 'When it happens, it happens..'

But it was just a passing thought..

5 years, today.

I had to have a release.. I posted on my Tumblr in regards to my mother's death.

This month in particular I really don't know why it's hit me so hard-- but I just wrote a little of my heart .. and just expressed how much I miss her and how much I want to make her proud.

Now.

I don't know what else I can do really.. I'm just trying to be a good person and to be successful. But it's so hard when you are by yourself. By yourself meaning no parents, no relatives, no anybody. I DO have parents, spiritual parents, but it's not the same as having a physical parent there with you all of the time. I'm grateful for them, because they have helped me in the most smallest of ways.

Only realising now that I lost my mum at 21, I've had to literally grow up by myself, learn the right things to do.. (again with my spiritual parent's guidance)
You feel a bit different when you overhear people talking about their parents, and that they are going to visit them, or they're planning to buy them things for their birthdays and for Christmas..

And you're just there.. thinking about the mother that you used to have.
And no one can really empathize with you because they all still have their parents. So all you can do is smile and nod, and try your best not to mention the fact that you don't have any parents.

One thing that I always notice is, for people who don't know that I lost my mother, they ask me, (this usually happens at work.)
'So, who do you live with, your mom?'
And then I hesitate to answer, and go 'My mother's dead'
And there's a short pause, and then 'Oh, I'm sorry.'

I just brush it off, and go 'It's ok' Because IT IS ok. Just because the person is dead doesn't mean you need to act differently-- I know it's to pay respect for the person that has died.. but there shouldn't be any awkwardness or anything. But how else are you supposed to respond..
But within this five years I definitely have mothers that God has placed in my life.. I have two. I can call them mothers because they love me like I'm their daughter, and they take care of me as if I am one of their own.

It's still not the same. It's never the same.
But I am always grateful.

If it wasn't for God.. I don't think I'd be here.
Because losing a mother at any age I think it's heartbreaking.. and a big chunk of yourself is lost.

I don't really know how else to describe it.. I'm hanging in there. I just need to get through today and let God take control. Well really, the month just needs to pass..

It's like.. I've lost her again for the second time.. it feels like I'm going through it all gain-- hence the feeling of mourning. It's so strange and I don't think anyone will understand me.. and that's ok.

I was quietly tearing up on the train this morning while I was writing that Tumblr entry.. and looking at a picture of my mother's smiling face-- it was before her health deteriorated.

And oddly enough I have a friend who also lost his mother in this same month, not too long before my mother's death.. and this is a male. I thank God that he has also kept him.
God is amazing you know.. you think you're going through it by yourself, when he is there holding your hand all the way through.

I wonder sometimes will I forget about her? Will I forget what she looks like? Will i forget her voice?

One thing I imagine is standing on a stage, or standing somewhere, cameras on me, thanking my mother for allowing me to be born and to honour her for all she has done for raising me up to be the person I am today.
It will happen.

A better week

I believe.

Feel a little more at ease today.. had a good release with God...

My emotions and my mind are so all over the place at the moment, but I know things can only get better.

I'm always on a positive slate because negativity takes so much out of you.. so much energy.. so much peace.. I don't want that.

As the year is ending.. I'm also reflecting.. this 2015 that is coming needs to be so much different from the past 3 or 4 years.. take risks.. do things I thought I couldn't..

I mean I'm gonna be 27 next year.. what can I say for myself about the achievements I've made?

The time is now...!

Waiting patiently... (painfully..)

So.. remember a couple of weeks ago when I was talking about I sent some pitches to some newspapers?

I'm still waiting.

It's been two weeks.

I'm just hoping and praying one will answer.. there is one that I want to answer... so I'm being patient. There's not much else to do.. I've sent everything... so..


Lord, have your way.

God knows

You know sometimes I sit down and think.. 'Technically, I'm an orphan.'

Yeah.. a 26 year old Orphan. I have no mom, no dad.. so who?

But then obviously God has given me spiritual parents.. They can't always be around, but when they are, they stand in the gap.

I have to thank God for that.. there are particular things that they both do that just make me go 'Thank you Lord for these two people..'

God really takes care of us..

x

Am I an encourager?

Ooh. Double post today.

Gifts.

We all have gifts that have been instilled into us.. they can vary from spiritual gifts, to gifts of speech, writing, singing.. etc.

 Well.. I believe one of them is definitely writing.. but then a lot of the times when people come to speak to me about things, they always 'feel better' or are very 'glad that they talked to me' or feel like they can come and talk to me without the fear of being judged or ridiculed.

Now... Am I an encourager? That is my question. The people that know me could probably answer this question.. the best. lol. But, I always feel good when I've helped someone, or I feel happy that people feel they CAN confide in me and that at least some words that I've said have made some type of impact.

Have you ever thought about the type of gifts you have? And be mindful that the gift you do have is not only for yourself.. it's for the people around you.. and the people you have yet to meet..

x

God searched my heart

He always does something to let me know that he is listening.

As you know.. last week I was very troubled and didn't know why.. so many things were just running through my mind.. random theories, emotions, flashbacks to places that my mind didn't need to take me...
So, Yeah.

I'm a little bit more at ease-- inwardly today-- despite from a weird dream I had the previous day-- well weird, but also confirmed a vibe I had, I know God is with me.

I just need to suck it up. Chill. Relax. Kick back.

I want to live until I'm like 95-- I need to adopt a more relaxing attitude.. my mother died at 54, which is far too young.. I will live past that.. but stress and lack of sleep(I'm actually sleeping fine.. but lack of sleep is definitely an underlying factor to why we get ill..) is definitely not going to aid in that! This is the month my mother died.. I'm silently mourning.. but God is my strength. 5 years and it feels like it only happened last month.

Other than that-- I'm ok. Dealing with the last little itty bits (hopefully) and I hope (I pray) my mind will be at some type of ease.

I was watching X Factor last night and SAM SMITH performed!! I love him.. and now this song is stuck in my head:

Happy Monday x

Revival

Dude.


I'm not a huge Stephen King reader, but I am a follower of his work and this new book 'Revival' looks so good.

I got the Goodreads newsletter and I read his interview.. it looks so good.


I gots me another book to sink my teeth into!

Yay!

The Heart

So last night I felt compelled to search for scriptures in the Bible concerning the heart-- while simultaneously catching up with 'The Leftovers'  (not to mention it was the most disturbing episode to date that I have watched...)

Anyway. This scripture popped out at me :

Proverbs 4:23

'Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.'

I went 'Wow..' what you do.. is a reflection of what is in your heart-- that's the understanding I gained. But the only question that I had is how do you guard your heart? There's a difference between guarding and letting your heart becoming so cold that you don't even care about anything anymore. 

I have a feeling guarding is in line with the control of emotions.. but that scripture spoke to me because the things that I do.. unless i'm upset or angry-- actually even if i am those things, I still do the things I usually do.. but just I'm fuming with fire inside. 

But.. I'll grasp it somehow.. and I think it will actually help me because I wouldn't say my heart is fragile.. but I can get quite emotional and when people say things.. even if they are a jokey.. they still mean something, because despite someone saying 'I'm kidding' there's truth behind every joke..

So I'll once again over think and be like 'Well.. why did you say that then?' Then my heart will sink.. etc.

Yeah.

But.. I believe it's a scripture to just advise that your heart should be pure and to keep it that way it needs to be guarded so that it doesn't fill with hate..

Either way.. it did speak to me one way or another.. constant self improvement.

Then.. I even googled 'scriptures for a trouble heart'

I felt troubled.

And I was led to John 14:1

'Do not let your heart be troubled, You believe in God, also believe in me'

What.

My goodness.

I smiled, looked up and went, 'God'. 

It's only one sentence but it speaks multitudes. It's right smack bang in the face to God.. like 'Well.. you believe in God.. so.. why is your heart troubled? Trust him.'

Sometimes things become overwhelming and you start to take matters into your own hands.. when really that's why God is there.. he wants our burdens, 'Cast your burdens onto me for I care for you' 1 Peter 5:7

My heart is a little more at ease.. but I still have worries lingering around in my mind..

Jeez.. peace must prevail.

x

Unlock

You know.. sometimes it's good to talk..

Especially when your heart becomes so heavy, it feels like there's a weight on your chest. But sometimes, you know... don't you have those thoughts in your mind like 'What are they gonna say if I say this?' or, 'What will they think of me?' or, 'Are they gonna think I'm aiming all of this at them?' because you know when you talk to people.. or even generally.. about half of what they say is mainly their body- so you're talking and you're seeing something shift as they move their body and you're like 'Ohh no..' but maybe that's just me because I've become a lot more observant nowadays..

But.. yeah, because one major thing I notice is when I speak a little of my heart out.. I feel.. like space! If that even makes sense? Like a gap has formed where that weight was filling. But then..,. it gets filled up with more worries.

Jesus. Am I a piece of work or what? I thank God that I'm not stressed out-- or at least I don't think I am? I don't really feel 'stressed' per se-- but more overwhelmed if anything.

I'm the kind of person that will put someone else before myself.. but then I'm also learning that I must think of myself otherwise.. no one will. That's life... everyone thinks of themselves.. I really think there are only a selected few of people in this world that will fully forget about themselves and think of other people and their needs.

But anyway, I guess my general fear of heartfelt talk is that what I am saying will get taken completely the wrong way, rather than letting that person know how I am actually truthfully feeling.

So when someone asks if I'm ok.. my default answer is 'I'm fine'.. but we all know the meaning behind that statement don't we.. and it's not even the statement, it's the tone of the statement that tells you if you actually are or not..

Oh Lord... bit by bit I'll get there..
x

The battle

What is going on...

One minute I'm ok.. then the next minute I'm hurt.. One minute I'm thinking about something positive.. then I hear something.. and the next minute I'm down again..

It's been happening for the past two weeks.. and internally I feel ok (I think) I think there's shards of my heart that have fallen off (figuratively speaking). I'm still trying to comprehend what is wrong.. I know a major part of it is someone that is very close to me upset me to the point of tears.. but it was due to my own thinking and over analyzing (mentioned in the previous post).

I don't want to say I'm a wreck.. but I think I am at the moment! I feel unsettled.. I feel sad, I feel like I'm all over the place-- but I think it's because of the fact I've started this new role at work and this week has been quite hectic and I haven't had the 'me' time that I need... and on top of that this weekend is busy for me.. and then the next week is going to be the same..

Also... this month (on the 24th to be exact) would be 5 years since my mother's death.. and I think that is another contributing factor.. even though I STILL don't understand why NOW I'm mourning. But I think it's because the past couple of years I pushed it to the back of my mind and decided to kind of ignore it... but I should know myself by now.. anything I push to the back of my mind will get pushed to the forefront at some point and kick me right in the butt.

..which is what has happened.

I've already acknowledged that my mind is something else.. so I really need to try hard to work on it, and also with God's help. But one thing I just realised,.,. what would help is if I communicate more. But I was having a think on the way to work.. and to me.. the people that I communicate with the most.. I feel or I think don't really like to communicate.. and the more I want to talk.. the more I think they are getting fed up and think I'm just being an over emotional person.

A lot of the time I really don't think people understand me.. which is why I keep myself to myself. I feel like people think I'm too emotional or too sensitive when all I really want is someone to understand me and know when I say a certain thing.. I mean something else.

I concluded that I am a bit complicated too.. lol as a person because I will always say one thing and mean another.. like I will say 'no' but I mean 'yes', or I'll say 'go away' when I really I want you to stay..

*sigh* Yeah... there's a battle going on within myself at the moment.. a battle of emotions... thoughts..

I need your help God...

The biggest demon in my life

Is my mind.

I was speaking to one of my little sisters yesterday, and that was a statement that came out of my mouth. Now I'm sitting back, thinking about it..

I overthink. I overanalyse. I over criticize (myself), I dwell.. there's so many things that float in my mind everyday... and I don't stop thinking.. it can be bad stuff.. good stuff, old stuff, new stuff.. it will stay in my mind..

And the fact that I bottle things up.. --something that I am working on-- doesn't help.

My mind I believe is my biggest standing block and only God can help me to work on that..


Hm. Life!

EDIT; But on a more positive note.. I sent out 4 pitches last week.. and I'm anticipating responses.
Eeee!

I really do thank God, every day of my life.

#positivity

Despite the little bumps in the road, and the little situations here and there... my life is great.

Sometimes I think to myself that I'm a useless person and that what is the point of me being here.. blah blah all of that jazz, and I wonder what is the point of me being here?

But then when people are telling me they are glad they know me, and they feel comfortable enough to waste their time and tell me about their concerns, feelings and their problems and actually SEEK advice from me, or just a sympathetic ear-- is that not humbling or what?

It makes me feel like 'Yes... I have purpose' Because I have this thing where I know I'm not here just to be here.. there is something that I am meant to be doing, there are people that I am destined to meet and encourage or impact, or just HAVE to meet.

But.. when I sit back and think about my life and think about the people around me and who I've had to advise and etc I'm just like 'wow.'

It's not just about the problems in life.. because the problems are just what makes the great things more valuable.

Thank you God for all that you do for me.. and that you even CREATED me... and that I'm still alive to see the people I love and care about, and that they love and care about me as well..

Just... grateful.

The last week before half term

THEN I'M OFF FOR TWO WEEKS BABY!


Yes. Much deserved methinks.

I can't wait. I can feel like i'm on the verge of getting a cold and I REFUSE it.

No way.

Do the right thing

I'm a person that lives by the scripture in Matthew 7:12 'So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the law and the prophets' (NIV)

In life, there are things that happen.. and do you ever think on the other side of the spectrum if whatever is happening to that person, or whatever that person is doing, would you like it? If someone was talking to YOU about someone else that you love and care about, would you keep it quiet or would you let that person know and rectify the problem?

No one likes being spoken about, especially in a negative way-- so no way would I allow it, and I don't think anyone else would unless they aren't a truthful person or want to avoid conflict..

But either way, the key phrase in here is 'Do to others what you would have them do to you' and to me this also relates to karma as well.. as long as you do good to others and do the right thing, they would surely do it for you-- whatever you give out is what you get back.

That's life.

But yeah.. that's one of the scriptures that I live by and actively portray in my everyday life.. and I pray to God that this is what people will do for me.

You know it's nice to know people can be comfortable enough to tell you where you're going wrong, and that's great because it can solve so many problems and avoid less problems.

It would be a better world if we all could just be truthful with one another and not have to go around and tell other people-- why not go directly and tell the person how you are feeling? I'm learning from my spiritual father everyday-- if you have a problem with someone, go and tell them-- why are you going to another person when the problem is with a different person?

Is that right?

Before I'm usually fearful of what people will think-- but at the end of the day people will think what they want to-- we can't control what people think, but as long as I'm doing the right thing and finding a solution, then my spirit is at rest.

Lord.. have mercy.

Quick one

It's frickin freezing!

And why today I woke up at 6:37am.. but my body refused to think it was 6.. it felt like 5am,

But anyway, I was able to get up and leave my house on time for work.


Looking forward to this week.. I'm going to conquer my fear of sending pitches.. and just email a whole bunch of pitches to places.. and see where I go..

I have to start moving .. and not remain where I am..

Questions for God

Why have you placed me in this particular job that I am in?

What do you want me to do in  regards to the people around me?

Am I an encourager? A motivator? A writer?

Am I meant to be someone to consult for a source of counsel?

If the word you have given me is true, how will I get to fulfilling it?


Only God will know what I mean.. and Lord help me to keep my eyes open and to see the answers...

I'm walking this path..

But how?

You know how God has destined everyone to walk their own path to their destiny.. I know where I'm going.. but.. how am I going to get to that destination? I'm on THE WAY.. but how do I get there?

And really.. this is the whole point of why we have life... life is the 'how' to my question..

Because... time is ticking.. I'm not necessarily wasting time, but more like when am I going to reach it?

Anyway....

God is in control.

:)

I bit my tongue!

Very hard too.

I was eating a meatball, and I was just chewing.. next thing I know I've given my tongue a nice bite.. and now the side of my tongue has a bump.. but yesterday it felt very prominent, so I guess it's gone down since yesterday.

I didn't even think I was chewing that hard either!

But yeah, it is the best day of the week and I'm so glad it's here. It's been an interesting and long week but I'm grateful to God for all.

I'm actually looking forward to a little lie in tomorrow because I've been so tired this week. The church is still under renovation mode, so nothing's really gone on this week.. except we do have service tonight, which I can't wait for!

I had a life lesson this week that really made me look at myself and made me realize certain things.. there is always room for improvement so I will definitely have to check myself and make a conscious effort.. we all have bad traits we hold and it's our decision whether we do something about it or not..

That's life for you.

And! I'm very happy with myself.. I have been able for about two weeks now, to write a note a day on facebook. So I'm going to try and keep going-- I was doubting myself today because I had no idea what to write about.. and the thing about me is when I write something I like the person that is reading to have gone away with something from it..

So hopefully they have.

It's all to keep this constant writing flow continuous...

And because of the creative writing workshop I'm doing in two weeks.. preparation!

But very grateful and happy it is now the weekend.

x

Stream of consciousness 17th sept

Walking up the stairs,
Thumping of boots, heels, pumps
Walking up the stairs, smells of pasties, morning breath and BO,
Walking up the stairs, blurs in your peripheral vision, bags knocking your sides, being tripped up by heavy breathing middle aged men
Walking up the stairs, small school children with rucksacks bigger than their own bodies swinging to and fro; the rattling of a million keyrings hooked to their zips
Walking up the stairs bobbing and weaving through a river of plaid shirts, skater skirts and primark shirts
Free

I'm really trying...

Again.. I've been MIA right?

I need some form of tablet.. or just another laptop until my beloved Toshiba comes back onto my lap once again.

Of recent I've been trying to up my writing.. not just stories, but just general writing.. to keep the writing flow continuous with no breaks..
When the breaks come.. they always last for so long.. and then I lose the passion. Well.. not necessarily the passion but the inspiration..

I don't like that.


But yeah.. I've been writing a note everyday on my Facebook, encouraging, uplifting, or just my general thoughts.. and the other day a lady in my church told me that she's been reading them.. and I was like 'Really??' and she even admitted that she doesn't go on facebook much, but she's been reading my notes! I guess that says something-- a sign to keep writing.

I don't see my writing as anything.. but to someone else they see it as a form of encouragement, entertainment, or even escapism.

I'm really trying because I love writing.. and I'm still aiming for it to be something to gain income from-- but it's ok if it doesn't-- the most fulfilling part of it is that someone benefits from it.

Other than that.. I'm back at the work grind.. and.. life..

x

Phoneless for three days

So once again.. I managed to mess up my phone screen-- not cracked this time, but it was flickering like how a television does with all the static and stuff.. (old skool), and I had to cough up £100 to fix my screen, as well as the back of the phone (which has been cracked since I got it.. lol).. But really, it was a bargain.. 100 to fix the screen and the back of phone together-- whereas the first time to fix my screen ONLY, was £170.


..but after three days my phone is back, fresh, looking like I just took it out of the shop, and strangely lighter.

But before that-- my experience of having no phone was an interesting one. Usually on my morning commute to work my face is glued in my sony screen on facebook, twitter, instagram and various other apps that I switch in between.. but with no phone weighing down my pocket; I was able to read my metro newspaper with no distractions and really get into the news stories like how I used to. No phone meant no music, so I had to sit there and just observe my surroundings. (Usually I have a book but I haven't had any good recommendations and nothing has tickled my fingers--just only recently!) and it's so eerie. The world has truly changed.. almost each person on the trains I boarded on had their face in some type of device, or they were plugged in. It's rare to see someone just talking to someone else-- I think that's more seen on buses..

But as well, it made me also bond closer to the people who are around me.. because one thing I want to dismiss is us being all in one room.. and just on our phones, rather than just talking and catching up. Our schedules are very different so we don't really see each other as much as before, so the time I do see them, I at least want to exchange some words. Nothing wrong with being in the same room in SILENCE.. because it's not all the time we should talk.. but still, phones aren't going anywhere.

But yeah, even today, even though I had my phone, I put it in my bag, and read my paper. It got to a  time where I wouldn;t read the paper, I'd just be on my phone.

I'm an oldbie.. I prefer to read the physical paper, rather than on my phone... same goes with books.

But it was an interesting experience-- it's like my phone was a drug because I felt stripped and naked like something had been taken away from my grasp.. but it was a big realisation.

My phone looks so brand new I'm scared to even hold it.. I've broken it twice now.. I don't want to break it a third time..

Lord help me!

I've been a bit MIA

I have... haven't I?

Well... I've had a good maybe 3 or 4 weeks of.. I wouldn't say soul searching.. but just perspective and realization and delving deeper into.. me.


I'm a lot better now.. had a bit of a breakdown last week I think it was.. but honestly it helped.. having a cry and then going about your business is all well and good.. but I'm still in that state of searching... of really finding my purpose.. and really wondering what I am meant to do here.

Because you know.. we are all meant to fulfil something.. I think I've written this somewhere before, but it's the truth.

So.. in a very internal state.. but I know God will shed some light.

It was my birthday..

5 days ago.

It wasn't really how I wanted it to be, but I thank God that I was alive to see it and to be blessed for one more year to be added onto my life.


Yep.

Gratitude

So.. As of this week, I have started a gratitude journal.. An electronic one..
When I get my hands on some new stationery (yay!) I will also have a physical one..

As a writer, I want to always have those things I am grateful and thankful for in the forefront of my mind.. So when I get to a place I won't ever forget where I came from.. Even though even now I don't forget where I came from..

And I believe it will also help me to realize I am more privileged than I actually think..

So. More writing and reflecting.
And also my birthday is this Saturday!

Relevance

Isn't this the most coolest story ever?


I SO want to write for them.. I love the diversity, the open mindedness, and just the general feel of the magazine and their topics and what they are about.

Love it.

Well.

I feel a little better today-- whoever prayed for me God bless them.


I feel ok within.. but I'm still thinking about heaps of things and anticipating tomorrow..



But.

All is well :)

Oh Friday! *swoons*

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!


Finally.


lol.



This has been a long week... and I've been battling with my own mind.

I just needed the weekend to come... and I really hope this weekend goes SLOW.


:)

Instability

I'm really trying to hold onto that peaceful feeling I had a couple of weeks ago.

I've also come to the clear enough realization that happiness/joy/peace/love-- all of those feelings and/or emotions are all a CHOICE.

I was reading through these notes I took at a '7 feelings seminar' that was held by my spiritual father, Pastor Danso and the 7 feelings were:

Fear
Pain
Anger
Sexual
Sensational
Happiness
Love

and one thing that struck out at me for 'Love' was

 'You don’t have to love just because you know the person, you love because you make the DECISION to'

'It is a choice… ‘Remember YOUR first love’

The fact of the matter is that every feeling that is listed there, (as well as all the other ones we feel) it is a DECISION to feel them. It's a choice.

That seminar was 3 years ago, and I just decided to re-read it yesterday. So I DECIDED to feel peaceful.

And it's not that I don't want to be peaceful, it's just my brain always works overdrive and little minute stupid things decide to invade my mindspace and cause me to overthink.

So basically. I'm doing myself.

Great.

But on a positive note, it's not as much as before. One mistake I found myself doing is not thinking before I actually say something, and it's the case of thinking AFTER the damage has been done. And it would be the case that I repeat this mistake, even though I am consciously making an effort.. but you know that mouth vomit thing, in mean girls (the movie!) when you just blurt stuff out.. yeah.

So I've managed to correct that.. 

But... yeah!

That darkness tried to come two days ago but I cancelled it out. I don't need it. And frankly, I put myself in that place. 

A lot of the time I feel to isolate myself and be alone, because the way I am, the way my moods switch, I will never be understood--  you'll think I'm upset, but I just want to be quiet-- or you'll think I'm irritated at you.. when I'm really irritated at myself..

But.. once I know that I may not be understood well, I need to try my best to at least be understood a little.. but *shrug*

We'll see.

Friday.. I need you...

Internal lessons

Well.

I've learned a lot about myself in the past two weeks.

When you start to become more aware of your actions, and the things you say-- you start to spot the mistakes you make and how much you actually take to heart, rather than just letting it fly over your head.

There were some things I already knew, and there were some things that I found incredibly surprising.. or more like I was in denial about it and thought it would just go away.. clearly! I was wrong.

But I thank God, because I already self evaluate myself, but this time was different-- I was in a very dark place, and I just wanted to be alone.. I was SUPER critical of myself, and I was crying almost every night, and a million thoughts were running through my mind-- I thought everyone was distancing themselves from me, didn't want to talk to me (which was actually true.. because when I get in that kind of place, no one feels like they want to come close to me) or they were planning to just abandon me..

Yeah. It was alot.

But then I came out of it in a blink of an eye on Friday.. and I'm alright again. But it was kind of like I was thrown in an unknown area trying to fend for myself-- and I know with me specifically, my mind is a very powerful thing.. it can cause me to go through unnecessary misery just because I was thinking about something.
I just need to know how to control it, I need guidance and advice.. and I thank God I have a spiritual father to gain advice from.. so that's something I have to look into.

But other than that.. I'm thinking about a multitude of things but they're not bad-- they're more of things I want to do for people and I'm hoping I can..

So we'll see.

x

Worship is a universal language

This is so beautiful...

Hayfever attack!!

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Both of my eyes were swollen this morning..

Lovely.


It looked like I had been crying the whole night, in which I hadn't.

But the way it's warm and humid today.. I'm afraid for my eyes... and I have no eye drops. I don't like taking medication either..

On the other hand.. it's a new week and God is gracious.

:)

Feeling appreciative

I wrote a note on Facebook this morning about appreciation... and not waiting until things get bad, or worse, someone dies before you appreciate who they are in your life.

Why do we do that? Why does someone have to die before we recognize how great and how amazing they were?
I know as human beings we become so familiar with each other and we think that there's so much time-- but in actuality there isn't as much time as we think... time is always ticking, it's always moving, it never stops, so as much time as we have we should appreciate the ones that are around us.

Even the ones that necessarily didn't add great value, but they came into our lives for a lesson, and that later benefited us in the long run, anyway.

We're not invincible.. I always get a wake up call to how precious and fragile our lives are.. so even me, I'm learning to appreciate all the people in my life, everyday--  not just when they've done something.

But it's not like I don't appreciate them at all, I just forget to acknowledge how much they have actually done, and that they have never left, but remained with me.

And that.. that's is more than enough to appreciate someone.

Bettering yourself

My half term was a little awkward.. I had to work one day in the week, but then there was a bank holiday.. so say wha?

But yeah, a lot of self evaluation and reflection.. you know, it's always good to WANT to better yourself as a human being because it helps you to grow, and helps you to gain a better understanding of yourself as well as the people around you...

And may I reiterate I STILL HAVE NO LAPTOP.

I'm just itching for my laptop back.. I miss my leisure at home just relaxing on my laptop.. *sigh*

But why the half term was strange is because this time around I didn't have much time for myself.. I was in church for most of the week-- not a bad thing at all-- it's just I'm making more of a sacrifice..

Well... Anywho, glory to God.

Can't wait for work to be over.. 3 hours!

-_-

In words

I'm going to try and comprehend what's in my mind right now..

I'm in a state of wonderment and asking unanswerable questions.

I have a problem where I want to know the reason for why everything is happening.. But I know there are so many things I'm not meant to know or understand, especially being a child of God.

In Isaiah 55:8, it says,
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD."

And that is the complete truth.. the way God works is not the way we work.. but I want to understand why all of this is happening to me.. Am I being tested?

I'm still not making sense but letting it out bit by bit is aiding my mind..

I said I had peace a couple of blogs ago.. the peace has been snatched away from me.


It must return back.

What a week..

Well... I seem to have been a bit off the radar right?

I have literally been lost in the abyss of my minds and thoughts it is so unreal.

A lot of what's on my mind, I have yet to be able to comprehend into the words.. they're still visuals in my mind.
It's affected me so much that I'm losing my appetite.. and I'm just.. in a state of silence.

But my God, my Jesus, my Father... he will not allow me to go through anything unless there is a meaning behind it.. I know all of this is just to strengthen me as an individual.

I'm still able to get up everyday with a smile, I'm still breathing.. I can walk.. I can jump.. I can encourage people..

I will praise my God.
x

Questions

I have so many questions in my mind right now.

Some may be able to be answered.. and I know some will not be.

Too many questions are flying around in my ahead about myself, the decisions I've made on my own accord.. and just so many things.

But funnily enough, I'm still at peace. Usually, when I get into modes like this, my mood drastically changes-- - (which it hasn't.. I'm just a little quiet), and I have this irritation in my chest, it's not like my chest hurts, but it's more like my heart hurts.. it doesn't make sense.. it doesn't physically hurt.. but.. there's just this kind of weight that I feel on it..

Only God and myself will understand.. don't worry if you don't. lol.

But yeah, other than that.. I'm ok.

I had the pleasure of catching up with my spiritual father earlier this week-- and I thank God because it was one of the things on my list to do this year.. and there's still more I need to tell him about..

I've just been really tired this week.. so I hope to kind of recuperate over the weekend..

No Flashback Friday this week...

I didn't forget, Flashback Friday!

Andd yet another snippet, blurb.. whalleva, of mine.. (story)

lol.

It's called 'Empty Jar' started it on the 16th of January.. and will revisit it soon...

Empty Jar

His tongue slithering in my mouth-- a short feeling of dismay, 'Am I really kissing him?' I continue kissing him, and open my eyes. His eyes are closed, his lips are soft; every other second his tongue strokes my tongue, and the little sounds under his breath indicate to me that he likes what is happening...
Suddenly, he grips my sides and sits himself up with me straddled across his lap. He holds me tight by the waist, jumps up and takes me up the stairs-- I feel the vibration of his body making his way up the stairs, and the feel of his soft lips on my neck.

We reach our destination-- the energy from both of our bodies was too intense-- I ripped my underwear off and I helped him take his off. I reached for him by his neck and pulled him so close. The warmth of his body instantly warmes me up and I jerked as he entered me.
The whispers of his voice comforted me as I entangled my legs around his waist.
He let out a satisfied moan. He left me.
"Come.." I reached out for his hand; him laying on top of me
"I love you.."
I stared at his chest going up and down.
He held my hand.
"I'm guessing we're done here..?" He lifted his head up, and stared at me with his tired eyes.
I nodded. I watch the back of him leave my room..

Not entirely sure where to go with this... I don't think it'll be a long story..

x

Bank Holiday!!

Ughh!!!
(That was an outburst of excitement and happiness)

I'm sooooo glad! It has actually been an exhausting week. I'm glad I have that extra day to just recharge.

Well.. I won't be up to much this weekend, and I don't have to be.. just relaxing is enough for me to be honest.

..and I can't describe it, but I have this feeling of.. 'belonging' so to speak, like I've finally understood myself. It probably makes no sense to whoever is reading, but it makes sense to me.
We all need to understands ourselves-- why do we do the things we do, why we say the things we say, why we feel the way we feel about things-- you get the point; but for the past couple of weeks I've just had a good reflection about myself, and really cracked open a lot of things about myself and I've become more happier because of it-- back to how I used to be.

But even how I used to be.. now that I think about it.. it was masked happiness-- meaning happiness that existed because it was covering up something; so I wasn't actually happy, I made it seem as I was so people wouldn't pay attention, or think I'm yearning for attention.
I was actually a very sad person.. a sad person that still wanted to help people, and make sure everyone else around me was ok-- I find joy in helping people, making sure they're ok.. things like that. A sad person that thought that no one really loved her, but they were just around her for their own gain.

But.. with so many teachings and words from my spiritual father plus my own understanding and realisations.. My mind is a lot clearer and a lot more positive. Obviously.. moods will come and so will bad days, but they won't last.

So thank God for that.

Roll on the weekend!
x

Peaches Geldof

I'm saddened.

They now have found out how she died; and it was an apparent Heroine overdose, which is 'coincidentally' the same way her mother died.

But they have yet to reveal the toxicology tests. I really hope that she didn't die of that.. it's sad to see the history repeating itself.

There are things in this world...

Exhaustion

Jesus have mercy..

I was EXHAUSTED yesterday.

I don't know if it was the hectic-ness of yesterday evening. I was meant to follow up on yesterday's blog; it was WORSE than the morning! The station that is pictured in the earlier blog did not match how it was when in the evening.

I had to take the bus, and even the bus was the worse decision to make because the bus stops were rammed with people and their expletives.
So many buses zoomed by because they were packed with people-- I think I got on the 4th or 5th bus that passed. The trains were all delaying and cancelling.. so I couldn't really do much.

When I finally boarded the bus, why did it take 2 hours or I think it was an hour and a half to get to where I was  going? I was going to church for prayers--- I was late, but I still made it in for a couple of prayers.

And when I got home.. I literally collapsed on my bed.. my whole body was sore; but I just think that was from the hecticness of work.. as well as the running around of the hectic train station.

But I also think the holiday is catching up with me too.. None of those did I sleep early.. I was always up late, or I literally stayed up all night-- and to go back to the routine of waking up at 6am is hitting me hard.

Oh well, I'll be back to normal next week.. where there is not ANOTHER tube strike.

Great.

x

Tube strikes, foggy mornings

Well this morning was interesting as ever..

I had to queue up to board my train, and instead of my normal 7:45 train... I had to jump on an 8.00 train.
But they seem to have calculated how much people they let in quite well, because there was a little room to at least be able to move from someone's butt being on yours on the train. How they did it was like groups for each train time.. it was.. an interesting experience. And then the lovely and frustrated traveller exclaiming 'F off, I'm trying to pass' Everyone's trying to get to work... so there was really no need for that..

It was incredibly smoggy/foggy this morning as well-- It wasn't that thick like fog, fogginess, it was like a bit misty.. it was a little out of place for my liking, but it seems to have cleared up now.

But these tube strikes.. they've had so many now and nothing's changing.. I just think it's their way of just having a day or two off to be honest-- but can you imagine-- just a tube strike has such an impact on the transport in London.

I always marvel at it because it's something else.

But the station you see there must look familiar, and I did expect it to be busy.. but it was literally like MANIC. Screaming train station conductors standing at about every point of the platforms..

It was just... meh!

And they made everywhere very restricted, so there was no option to go through the passageway or the tunnel.. it was either you HAVE to go through the tunnel to exit and you HAVE to go through the passageway to get onto a platform.

Lawd. Just let this be over and let me be able to get a seat on my normal 7:45-- actually! Even that I had to change, USUALLY I get catch a 7:39 train, but when I got off my first train, the platform was already at capacity, and there was one word to that: No. The platform is small as it is, there was no way I was getting on that train this morning.

I wonder how it'll be this evening -__-

Peace

I finally feel like.. I'm at some kind of peace in my head.

And I know it's God.. I do get the occasional thought here and there, but that's because of me. In all things we have to make some kind of effort before some kind of change or progression is happening.

My mind isn't as cluttered, and I'm a lot more clear with where I am in people's lives and what I bring.. as well as a whole bunch of other things..

When you know who you are.. you will never have a problem--  that always echoes in my mind, something my spiritual father says a lot, and it's so dang true!

I just hope I can maintain this and not have stupid mood swings and irrational moments.


...and I really want it to be Friday.. :D

A difference to your generation

After this recent programme I've had at my church.. a lot of my persepctives have changed on so many things.

And there was one statement that my spiritual father, Pastor Danso declared that has just stuck within me, and I believe it's a word that needs to be heard by so many people; I've put it on my Facebook, I've written a note on Facebook expanding on it with my own revelations and thoughts, but this was what was said:

"Don't think you are serving God for yourself, you are serving him for your generation"

My goodness gracious.

Immediately though, that took me to Matthew 5:13-16 which reads:

'You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.

You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.'

Salt and light. What does salt do? It adds flavour-- we are all salt in the world; our flavour is our personalities, our outlooks, our perspectives, our opinions-- we are all different. Light. What does that do? Add brightness to wherever it is placed. You are all lights in this world, and are here to make a difference, as well as impact whoever is around you.

The reason why statements and scriptures stay in me is because I feel so many people need to be encouraged and need to understand how important they actually are. We always look down upon ourselves.. and I'm the number one culprit-- 

We think we're not good enough

We think why are we even here?

We compare ourselves and think those other people are better..

But to be honest, we were fearfully and wonderfully made.. everything about us was created because that's how we are meant to be. Do you see that there's no one EXACTLY like yourself? Even twins have distinctive differences as much as they may look alike.

It's that deep..

And all I really wanted to say is, keep your head up because you are a lamp in this dark world we are in-- whether we like it or not.. there are things that are unseen that are happening, and if you've allowed God in your life, there is no doubt that he will use you to do great things as well as make a difference to your generation.

I'm not saying that if you don't believe in God you won't be used to do great things-- not at all, but it's just that when you've invited God into your life, because he is not a by force God, if you invite him he will do what he needs to do, because you have made the decision that you want him in your life.

Either way; you were made to impact. You were made to make a difference.

Your life, is not in vain.

x

So tired

I went to bed at 1am last night.. and I'm sooo tired this morning.

Still posting blogs from the comfort of my work computer. (Ha ha)

Not much to say really.. I really really really need my hair to be put away in braids or twists or somethin! But the funds.. I'm gonna have to definitely get it done this month.. because.. having natural hair is good, but it's so much maintenance.. and it's the evenings that get to me..

Blah blah... I'm moaning about my hair too much right? It's at an awkward stage where it's not really really short anymore but it's not long either so it's irritating because the styles don't look right...

Anywho!

Bank Holiday Monday next week.. CAN'T WAIT!

SLEEP!!

:D

How could I forget? Flashback Friday!

I know I haven't done one for two weeks..

A lack of laptop doesn't really help as well...

Anywho!

Very old story I did.. and I really do need to come back to it..

Perfection

I stand in the middle of my room, hesitant to come closer to the mirror. My white T-shirt with winnie the pooh on it drapes over my plump body. I scuttle to the bathroom, face to face with my own unbearable reflection. Large black circles are around my brown eyes. My red tipped fingernails analyse ever imperfection on my face: the red blemish sticking out on my right cheek and the group of small red bumps on my square chin. I groan to myself, the lines on my forehead show in the mirror as I run out of the bathroom. I rummage for the latest health and beauty magazine that I bought. A woman whose body is like a pole, poses provocatively on the front page, her shiny made up face looking into my brown eyes. I flick the pages, remembering I saw an article on skincare. My slender fingers swipe across each page until I see the word “blemishes.” My eyes widen, scanning every instruction and direction. I dump the magazine, and scurry back to the bathroom. Cold, slimy, sticky, warm"I put different products in the palm of my hand. My index finger, the red polish starting to chip, I wipe the cream on my forehead, cheeks and chin. I slam the container on the ledge, and I look at myself. My hair is ruffled, and the crust still dangles from my eyelashes. I press my plump lips together and vigorously wipe off the cream with a piece of toilet paper. I notice a little beam of sunlight shining on the black carpet. I grab the rough material until I can’t see it anymore.

“Tiff! Breakfast!” My mother shouts from downstairs.

I roll my eyes, and stroll out of the room, cautiously descending each step. I see the light shining from the kitchen. I see the food on the table; the steam is floating away from the food.

“I’m going back upstairs mom.” I say with no emotion.

“Why? You need to eat something, you haven’t had anything all day.” She says, without laying her eyes on me.

“Well, I’m not eating.”

Before I let my mother say anything, I’m already upstairs in my dark room. I turn the lock slowly, feeling the cold metal and head to my bed. I sit down on my bed, it creaks. I grunt looking around my room. I notice my mirror again. I flinch, my brunette hair brushing across my shoulders. I take a deep breath and get up. I stretch to the curtain, letting a small beam of sunlight illuminate the room. My flat feet brush across the black carpet. My image in the mirror gets bigger. I stare at my reflection. I put my hands on my hips, like the models do, analysing every part of my body. I put my two index fingers on either side of my mouth forcing my lips to pout. I let out a sigh. I lift up my long shirt; revealing my round belly folding over my pants. I rub my belly, holding onto the roll of skin hanging. I take my hands off it; taking a deep breath, I suck in my gut. A smile creeps onto my lips. It disappears. I examine my body: bumpy, smooth, bumpy again. Stretch marks. I scoff and I let my shirt cover my body. I shake my head and gaze at the side table drawer. I scurry over and open up the last drawer. The sunlight has disappeared, as I rummage through it. A bottle. The contents inside of it rattle like a maraca. I perch on the edge of the bed; my hands shaking, I pour the contents in my chubby palm. I fold my fingers over it and close my eyes.

A question to myself.

I've been at my job, for 4 years.

I've seen 4 different people come and go that work beside me..

Yet I'm still in the same position.

Is there something wrong somewhere?

Mind you, I like my position.. I'm comfortable with it, and this is not the job that I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life. I like where I am.. and the variety of my job.

But.. people either leave or get moved to another position..

Is there something I'm doing wrong here?

Holidays are over

Well... seeing as I STILL have no laptop...

I was on holiday from my blog for two weeks too..


But yeah, not much went on--- just got a lot of church things done, rested.. reflected, recuperated...

And.. yeah.

Will fill you in, in more depth in another blog

x

Misconceptions of life

So... I'm on holiday now.

2 weeks.

Still no laptop. So working with what I have.. But it's still not enough.

I won't complain.

But.. We are such complicated beings. So many layers, so many walls, so much things..
I don't even know where to begin..

But.. I'm dealing with my inner self this week.. Because that's where everything reflects from.

This will be an interesting holiday.

False Belief-- Flashback Friday

False Belief

It’s been 5 years since I’ve actually talked to my mother seriously. The house is dark, because she’s afraid of running up the electricity bill. The only form of electricity is the television. She’s watching her regular GOD channel service at 6pm. I remember she missed a service, locked herself in her room, and prayed for 3 hours straight; repenting her sins and all. I’m sitting in my room, biting my nails and looking at the inspirational lines I made for myself when I’m ever stuck in a rut. I am stuck in a rut. I can hear my mother singing her hymns, speaking in tongues, and clapping.

5 years ago, I was 15, overweight, and had low self esteem. I had a couple of friends here and there, but I truly had one friend. We’re still friends now, we talk, but we don’t talk about everything. It’s an unequal friendship. She tells me every little detail about her life. I can’t. I’m paranoid about what people will think of me if I tell anyone this. When I was younger, I could tell my mother anything. I remember I told her that I won’t get a boyfriend until I’m 50. That’s how bad I felt about myself. I want to tell my mother this, but I’m afraid of what she’ll think of me when I do. What am I going to do if she doesn’t accept what I tell her? My friends will accept me; I know that for one thing, I know that they’ll always be there. But my mother, she disowned my older brother because he’s gay. Her belief is, that men should like women, and women should like men. That’s how God made us, she said to me. She doesn’t talk to him. She doesn’t visit him. He doesn’t exist. I still talk to him of course, he’s blood. I accept him. I can’t abandon him. I am her only child now, and I don’t want to let her down if I tell her this.

I hear the priest on the television finishing his service. I can hear my mother repeating, “Praise his name! Praise his name!” I take a deep breath, and continue to read one of my inspirational phrases that stick out at me: “Through thick and thin, family will always be there.” I re-read it 10 times. I’m nibbling at the skin of my thumb. My stomach gurgles. I hear my mother calling my name. I stand up, and read my phrase one last time. I walk out of my room, and into the living room lit with the lights of the TV.

“Yes, mom?”
“So what is this you wanted to talk to me about?”

I sit in the chair opposite of her and face the television. I see in the corner of my eye her doing the sign of the cross.

“Well, I just feel I haven’t talked to you like I usually have.”
“Ok, well what’s going on?”
“Ok, well I talked to Dave the other-“
“Hannah, you know we don’t mention that name in this house.”

She looks at me dead in my face.

“Ok, I’ll get to the point then mom.”
“Yes?”
“Well you know how I’ve been with Greg for 3 years now?”
“Yeah, you guys need to get married so I can have me some grandchildren!”
“Well... that’s just it mom.”
"What?”

“You’re going to have a grandchild, in about 9 month’s time.”

So need to edit this story... Another one of my favourites though..

Childhood crushes

I just heard someone say the name, 'Antoine' and it made me remember a boy I used to like back in the 3rd grade!

(I was in America those times)

3rd Grade is equivalent to Year 4 here.

Yeah, so at the age we don't know a dang thing! I was convinced I was in love with this boy, writing 'secret admirer' notes, and what made it worse is he lived on the same road as me as well, so not only going to the same school, but also living near enough to each other.. Lawd!

My mother caught me writing one of my secret admirer notes.. and oh my goodness gracious.. How embarrassing! But he never found out it was me, so nevermind!

But when we're children, we're in love literally every day.. lol.

I just found that random flashback humorous. 

Anyway, the day has finally come... and I'm so happy. 

FRIDAY!

x

I'm so proud of him!!!!

This is someone that I admire, and I'm proud to have met him.



I am sooo proud of him.. he has come such a long way.



So amazing what faith, strength and perseverance can get you.



xx

Knowledge

Well.. I was reading some articles in the guardian on my phone..

And I came across two articles that struck up some questions in my mind.

One was about using ketamine to help treat depression..
And the other was one about children staying at home due to the smog that seems to be hovering around London.

Now, the whole Ketamine use thing-- Ketamine is a drug, we all know that, but the main worry I have is that they're going to upgrade it to a Class B drug because they are aware that it's caused psychological and physical harm to people who use it for recreation.. so what's stopping the people from being 'prescribed' Ketamine for their supposed 'depression' to abuse it and use it as recreation as well?

There's always pros and cons with drugs and being prescribed drugs, it's so easy to overdose, but at the same time they seem to help with certain sicknesses, YET they have serious side effects, for example, when taking the Ketamine, you're prone to vomiting, suicidal episodes, and anxiety. To me, when taking any type of medication or prescribed drug, I think the side effects overbear the actual reason why you're taking it to aid in helping rid of whatever you've been diagnosed with!
Depression though, I believe is a very varied psychological sickness and everyone reacts differently to drugs and treatment. But, who knows..


Next.

This smog came from nowhere. It is worrying because for the past couple of mornings it's been quite foggy, or misty rather, and there's a particular smell in the air, it's not sulfur, but it's that kind of smell, if that makes sense? It doesn't look good, and I really wonder what's going to happen-- we can't all just be cooped up in our houses due to polluted air? The air is already polluted due to bus and car fumes, cigarette smoke etc. But they're saying the air quality NOW due to the smog has been lowered.. and people with asthma or any other breathing complication will be affected...

Hm.. sometimes the news can be a little depressing at times to be honest! lol

On a lighter and brighter note, I have one more day left until I'm on break!!
And I'm very proud of myself this morning... I caught my train after a 2 minutes dash from the bus stop to the station, (I got off the bus at 7:18, and my train alights at 7:20, to leave for 7:21.)
Lawd! My legs were wobbly already because I was tired.. so I think I did well!

Looking to get back into swimming during this time off as well hopefully!

x

Oh, my God.

I am the most inconsiderate, stupid, self centered person ever.

And, I think one of my prayers has been answered.

I have the biggest apology to make today. Not on the phone either. But in person.

This person may not even see it as anything.. but I understand. Fully.

And because I'm thinking of myself and how I feel...

This person said so many things before and I didn't think of it as anything, but anything that comes out of a person's mouth has meaning behind it.. and it's only now that I've understood the depth.

God forgive me.

I hope this person forgives me.

..Sorry but..

EAST CLAPHAM?


Brixton... to EAST CLAPHAM?

Anyone see this article yesterday?

It better be an April's Fool article.. because Lawd.


No.

I'm not understanding this...

So after 5 years..

I'm really sad this year.. in regards to my mother.

I'm not understanding this? The years have flown by, and I know my mother has passed and what not-- but why am I feeling it now?

I felt down on Mother's day... and we're in April, I feel more down.. it's not down as in depressed, but there is a twitch in my heart feeling the absence of no mother.

I have a spiritual mother and I thank God for that, but no one can replace my mother.

Lord, I don't know what this is, but please let me have peace. It's weird that after all of these years I'm JUST feeling like this--

I can't really comprehend.. it's sadness and emptiness and feeling lost.

When I hear the complaints of the people around me about their parents and how they hate their mother's and how they wish they would die, and what not-- Well, my mother IS dead, and I didn't wish for that. Yeah.. we all have our moments where we had an argument with our parents or they said something that we didn't want to hear, but needed to hear.. and we didn't like it.. we say all kinds of things.

But the truth of the matter is, at least you have your parents there. At least you have guidance. At least you have a mother to go to when no one else can understand you..

Seeing all of those mother's day statuses and pictures on FB.. I was just.. empty.

But it's life.. I know I'm meant to be strong, and I know where my life is headed.. I know there are so many people that will need my support, and by this experience, I will be able to help all of those people..

Didn't mean for such a melancholic kind of mood.. but this is what a blog is for ya see!

x

Strength

'Once a upon a time, you asked me why did I like you-- you remember? I liked you because you're strong.'

This was from the last episode of 'My Mad Fat Diary' last night. Fell in love with the show with the plethora of issues that are in the show, and the time at which it's set..

Anyway, my point is, strength. Why would that be such a quality that would cause someone to like someone else?

For many different reasons. I think the main reason is, despite what the person is going through, they can still have that on them, and still be able to deal with the other issues involved with the people around them. I guess you could call it a form of stability or comfort knowing that this person is strong enough to be able to still be there for you.

Either way, strength is something we all have--- and I'm not talking physical strength.. muscles.. etc, I'm talking about emotional strength.
Things could be breaking down left, right and center, but despite that, you're still together, and you're still coping..

This is how I was at my mother's funeral/the announcement of my mother's death. My mother's funeral, I did cry, but throughout the day, I was the one comforting people-- they cried more than I did, and I was the one supporting-- I got told I was strong, and I didn't really know what that meant until I heard that line yesterday-- (can you imagine one bit of dialogue from a fictional television show can make my mind do this.)

But what I'm getting at is we all have inner strength-- and just because you cry doesn't mean you're weak. Crying is a form of release.. a way of getting the stress, the sadness, the anguish, the anger, everything-- out.

Some people tend to just have more strength than others-- it could be obtained in so many ways, or maybe it was always instilled inside of you.
And with this inner strength, it will always get tested-- and the only way it will build up is through experiences in life, let downs, set backs, failures.. that's how you become strong.

So if you see in your life that you experience so much set back, so much failure or rejection-- whatever it maybe-- it's not the end of the road and it's only making you stronger.

And this topic has so inspired me to write a story too.

lol. Writers eh? Isn't it great :p

She hides behind the smiles

The tears that seem to never end stream down her cheeks. Each time a tear streams towards her chin, ready to plop onto her scarf, she flicks it away with her index finger.

There's a mother and a little girl sitting across from where she's sitting. The little girls big brown eyes stare at the amount of tears that are leaving her eyes. Her vision is too blurred to notice. The tears are becoming too much now, that she uses her scarf as a tissue; wiping away the pain.

Her lips begin to quiver while the train alights at the next station. She looks at the mother and the little girl--still looking at her-- as they get off the train.

I didn't do anything wrong

The train is on the move again; she wipes underneath her nose and sniffs. A gentleman with unkempt black hair sits in front of her, with his large skullcandy headphones. She looks away from him as he notices the tears dropping off her face. His eyes every so often glance at her.

Her train stop finally arrives; her head down, she exits the train and wipes the remainder of what she has to leave behind.

She sighs as she walks down  the stairs and to the barriers. She looks up and sees her friend waving.

"You alright?"

"Fine", she says, smiling.

We all lead a different life

So after my immensely crappified day yesterday..

I'm a little more at ease today-- but still feeling a little scattered and fragile.

If you ask me why, I really couldn't tell you.


But today's been a bit better... work wise.. but in my head-wise.. it's a no no.

Every thought that I have managed to put in the nothingness parts of my mind have come to the forefront.

But enough about that.
I was just thinking about how we all have different lives-- and what triggered that is today when a delivery man came to deliver some boxes of stuff, I noticed he had a kenyan bracelet on his wrist.. and he said he went there around December.
Why did he go there? For family?

It's like.. we all come from different places in the world, and we all don't know what it had to take in order for us to get where we're at now...

Ugh.

I won't even bother myself..

I'll make more sense in another blog

x_x

Pain is good

Why do we like to hurt ourselves?

I was walking to work.. and a lady lit up a cigarette in front of me-- and starting her puffing of her cigarette as she was walking-- and then I noticed she had a pack of Orbit chewing gum in her other hand.

Now.

I could be assuming-- but I believe she will chew that gum after she finishes her cigarette-- which means she knows her breath will smell.. so why have such a habit that will cause your breath to smell?
My thought for the rest of my walk to work was.. 'Why do we do these things?'

She's already doing a habit that is harming her on the inside.. she knows she'll smell.. but she's continuing to do it? Why do we like to hurt ourselves?

Why do we like to keep people around that constantly use us? Why do we like to keep people around that aren't necessarily benefiting us, but we allow them to hang around? Why do we allow people to make us feel in a way, but they say that they love us, and they only have our best interests at heart?

Why do we do it?

Do we like to feel pain? Do we like to hurt ourselves, all in the name of love? And love doesn't have to be just the sexual kind-- the kind of love you have between your parents, your friends, anyone.

I was literally asking myself those questions, and then evaluating my own self.

There's so many reasons why we do such things..

The main one being fear. We're afraid to lose people that we've known for so long, because we think that we can never get those kind of people again-- or if we lose those people, we'll wonder, who do we have left?

When it comes to those kinds of habits like the one I mentioned earlier-- it's a comfort thing. We don't want to stop because we know once we do it, we will get that same buzz or high, and for a little while everything is ok.

We're so layered as human beings, and we do so many things to mask how we truly feel.

I'm in those kinds of moods today. And I guess because it's a dreary day as well..

Hm..
x

And the cycle continues

Always at the end of the month.. the same of feeling of 'Why', and 'When?' and 'Is this ever going to end?' and that Unfulfilled feeling, and just down right feeling like a piece of poo.

Every month, without fail.

And it's not like I don't know things will get better, and it won't last forever-- well it's been going on for long enough, and I'm getting a little tired of it, quite frankly!

It's getting irritating, like that little fly that won't go away as much as you shoo it with your hand.

But what else can I do but persevere? There's nothing else. So.. God... I always look to you.. when the end of this comes.. I will be so happy.

Because I'm not content where I'm at.. I'm surviving. That's about it.

But all will be well, I do believe.. but it can get so irritating and tedious when it keeps happening.

Otherwise, I'm blessed. And I can see the signs. I have no doubt God is working it out for me-- but sometimes you sit and ponder and just come up with all sorts of malarky in your mind.

But after the preaching I heard on Sunday.. and what I've accomplished this far... this thing is a miniscule of my life-- but it's something that shouldn't be there at all and should be driven out.

And then I think all sorts of thoughts about myself, and if I'm a good person, and If I'm doing the right thing.. and what will people think of me.. and this and that.. and this and that.

It's ridiculous. I wish my brain had an off switch.. but then.. I think I'd be brain dead. lol.

But not a literal off switch.. just switch off the stupid thoughts!

I did have something meaningful to write.. and then it just turned into a rant.

I'll write about it later..

x

And here's to another Monday.. + Stress

I always want Monday's to zoom by.. I just don't like Mondays. The fact that it's the day after the weekend.. and you have to put in your head that you have to endure another 5 days at work..

Such and such, bladdee-blah.

But they're not all bad-- I've had some great Mondays.. it's just Mondays aren't consistent.. as in, they're not consistent with it being fun... it always drags (on that rare occasion when the day literally ends in the blink of an eye..) and it's a day where I'd really prefer to be in bed.

I protest that we permanently have a three day weekend.. or Monday is included in the weekend.. but then that means kids will also have one less day at school.. and we can't deprive them of their edumacation!

Ok I'm going off on a tangent here.

Yeah.. Monday's suck.

And I was reading in the paper that Stress in women cause them to be infertile. It just shows that stress is much of a silent killer than we realise.. and what is stress anyway? Unnecessary strain on our minds on things we have no control over? or strain on our minds over things we could have changed or prevented?


Ohhh life, and this country...

Anyway!

Onwards to Tuesday!
x

Mucho inspired!

After attending that Creative Writing day on Thursday, I've felt super inspired and I'm even thinking to compile some stories that I've already written into a series.. because a lot of them have the same kind of theme..

The holidays are coming so I'll have some time.. and God willing I'll have my laptop back too.

I sent some pitches to the Guardian as well-- I've written for them before so hopefully I can start writing for them on a regular basis! That would be amazing..

Otherwise everything is well.. and I hope this fire stays.. I miss writing how I used to..

x

Hello? Anyone out there?

So.. I did a little make over to the blog space.

I liked my previous design.. but the blog was a little 'dark'.. so I wanted some colours.

Whaddya think?

And please do not be a stranger, send me comments, I like feedback. :)

I believe this is the last post of the day..

x

I'mma still do a Flashback Friday

Despite all the excitement..

Flashback! (University assignment..)

Real World


"Hey, I'm God, what would you like done to the world?" He says, stroking his beard.

"You're not God." The guy at the counter says. "He doesn't exist, the world came about through science."

"I am God. My son is Jesus. My wife is Mary. I want to do good by you people."

"Oh yeah? So why do good things happen to bad people? Why do we lose so many innocent people, like Princess Diana? Where were you when she died?"

"The devil took over. There was nothing I could do."

"Oh yeah? But I thought you were God? God is all knowing, all seeing, all powerful right? What a crock, get out of my shop." The guy points to the door.

He obeys. God walks out of the shop, looking at the streams of people walking, running, skipping, and jumping. His halo is dirty, so he wanders to a car wash to see who he can help next.

"Hi there, I'm God, I need to wash my halo, and in return can I do anything for you?"

The woman at the cash register stares at his face. She looks at his long brown beard, and his draping white cloth.

"God? Where were you when I prayed for my daughter 3 years ago?"

"I was there watching over you, and protecting you, just like you asked for, Jill."

"So why did you let her die?" She says, starting to weep.

"I can't save everyone, I save who I can."

"I'm an atheist now. We don't wash halos. Go back to heaven or whatever is up there and get it done yourself." She turns her head away from God.

He walks away from the car wash, not turning back. The sky is turning black. He waves his hand in front of his face; the sky is blue with no clouds in sight. God sighs, and walks within the lines of people on the busy sidewalk. He sees an old woman struggling with her groceries. He floats over to where she is and helps with her bags.

"Here you go." He hands her the bag full of fruits and vegetables.

"Leave my stuff alone, go and hassle other old ladies. I've been burgled enough. Go away!" She snatches the bag from his bony fingers.

He shakes his head, and continues to walk down the sidewalk full of people in suits, people in jeans, and children. Cars are honking, and people are yelling. He runs over to the first car in the intersection. The engine sputters.

"What's happened?" God says by the man's window.

"My car broke down. I think I might need to call the AA."

"I can help." God mumbles something under his breath and does the sign of the cross. "Try it now."

The man twists his keys in the lock; the car engine hums.

"What do I owe you, mister?"

"Nothing at all."

"I have to give you something, there must be a catch."

"No catch. I just wanted to help."

"Who are you, anyway?"



"I'm - I'm no one."

Published baby!

So last night was an amazing night for me as a writer.
My writing was picked to be part of an anthology of writers from my university, Roehampton.
Seeing it on the printed page was an amazing feeling.. And seeing my name in the contents page and my bio at the back just made me think 'Ok... I can do this'

The story in the anthology was actually a university assignment I did during my creative writing course that I submitted to be part of the competition when I was still at uni (the creative writing day has been going on for a while)
And the assignment was to literally sit at a train station, cafe, bus stop etc and listen to conversations. Believe. I heard some conversations.. But why that convo struck me the most is because of the language... The aim of the assignment was the to capture dialogue, and it was out of my comfort zone.

Minus the language, (profanity lol) I like the story because even though it's short, you see as you read that there's a little more depth to the two boys and by the language you can kind of tell their age.. And I lived by the sacred rule of writers, 'show don't tell!'

And even more unreal I got asked for my autograph! Me? Little old me?
Who knows, it may be worth something one day.

But I've been so inspired by that night, and I have so many unfinished stories.. I think may even compile some and make a series...

All in all.. I thank God.

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!! :D

Myths of being a believer

As soon as you mention God or any type of belief, there is always a change of intonation and expression.

Or is it just me?

In all honesty, when you decide to be a believer of God, there are particular aspects of what you used to do, and even your personality that begin to drop off, or change. This isn't done on purpose, but if you decide in your mind that you want to change, and you want God's help, and you INVITE him in your life, there's no doubt you will change, for the better.

The one myth I can clear out right now is the whole 'They can't talk about sex, etc..' It's like (it still happens in church) if you mention sex, or relationships or anything of that nature, you get a small gasp, and a 'You meant to be talking about that?' expression.

Really?

Are we not human? Do we not feel? Do we not have penises and vaginas? We're not trees..

Anyway.

We're Holy.
Since when has ANYONE been holy? Yes, we are the image of Christ, but because we're human and we sin.. we tend to fall short. That's why there's something called grace. Everyone has their skeletons in their closet, and the things that they used to do in their past-- and this is the same reason why this is used against us, because many Christians appear as if they are holy, when they're not. They have flesh and they will surely sin.. so why not just be truthful?
Genesis 1:27 reads (KJV) 'So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them'
In his own IMAGE. We may not be JUST LIKE God, but we should be able to be in a way where we represent him. So if we make a couple of mistakes on the way, it's not the end of the world.

The: 'You need Jesus' phrase.

This isn't necessarily a myth, but it's something that I just wanted to extend my opinion on. You're scrolling on facebook, or any social networking site, and you see a couple of tweets or statuses that are ridden with cursing and inappropriate pictures.. and you see a comment saying 'You need Jesus. Go to Church'
Instantly, the person will take that offensively because it's like you're telling them something that they may not want to do-- and they will also attack you and ask you, 'Well what makes you so much better?'
And actually, they are right.
Don't we all make mistakes? Don't we all fall short?
As long as you have acknowledged what you've done wrong, instead of blaming someone else because of it, and make the effort to change out of your ways, (with God's help), then you've not only grown, but when someone else sees that, they may find it influential.
Proverbs 19:20 says 'Listen to advice and accept correction, and in the end you will be wise.'

Bible Bashers

Now.
I know people who have wanted to come to God, or wanted to go to church, but because they had that one experience where they were 'bible bashed' meaning, that they did something wrong, and at the end of it, there was that one person who slashed them up with the bible (in a negative way) to prove to that person that they need to come to church before they 'go to hell'
Now, in Hosea 4:6, it reads 'My People are destroyed for Lack of Knowledge'
These people, they had lack of knowledge. It doesn't make them bad people, it's just they didn't know any better, and were probably trying to do a good thing but it came out wrong.
This doesn't mean that all Christians are like that.
And I find it so irritating when we are all generalized.. not all of us judge people, not all of us are bible bashers, not all of us are people who are condescending and look down at people and think we're better than them.

No.

As a believer, I personally would love if all the people I know accept God in their lives and see how much their lives will change-- just like how I said in my other post that I'm not selfish and just want to share what God is doing in my life-- how about if I see someone else I know also being joyous and sharing what God has done in their lives?

It would be such a beautiful thing to see.

And I understand that people have had past experiences with people and church, and they don't really want to go there.. but really, if you wanted to go to church in the first place, you really shouldn't let a person stop you. No?

The whole reason for this post was to make some things a little more clearer and to put it out there that some people don't have knowledge yet of being a believer-- and that there are levels.
So forgive them..

And leave me comments.. thoughts.. something :)