Instability

I'm really trying to hold onto that peaceful feeling I had a couple of weeks ago.

I've also come to the clear enough realization that happiness/joy/peace/love-- all of those feelings and/or emotions are all a CHOICE.

I was reading through these notes I took at a '7 feelings seminar' that was held by my spiritual father, Pastor Danso and the 7 feelings were:

Fear
Pain
Anger
Sexual
Sensational
Happiness
Love

and one thing that struck out at me for 'Love' was

 'You don’t have to love just because you know the person, you love because you make the DECISION to'

'It is a choice… ‘Remember YOUR first love’

The fact of the matter is that every feeling that is listed there, (as well as all the other ones we feel) it is a DECISION to feel them. It's a choice.

That seminar was 3 years ago, and I just decided to re-read it yesterday. So I DECIDED to feel peaceful.

And it's not that I don't want to be peaceful, it's just my brain always works overdrive and little minute stupid things decide to invade my mindspace and cause me to overthink.

So basically. I'm doing myself.

Great.

But on a positive note, it's not as much as before. One mistake I found myself doing is not thinking before I actually say something, and it's the case of thinking AFTER the damage has been done. And it would be the case that I repeat this mistake, even though I am consciously making an effort.. but you know that mouth vomit thing, in mean girls (the movie!) when you just blurt stuff out.. yeah.

So I've managed to correct that.. 

But... yeah!

That darkness tried to come two days ago but I cancelled it out. I don't need it. And frankly, I put myself in that place. 

A lot of the time I feel to isolate myself and be alone, because the way I am, the way my moods switch, I will never be understood--  you'll think I'm upset, but I just want to be quiet-- or you'll think I'm irritated at you.. when I'm really irritated at myself..

But.. once I know that I may not be understood well, I need to try my best to at least be understood a little.. but *shrug*

We'll see.

Friday.. I need you...