The battle

What is going on...

One minute I'm ok.. then the next minute I'm hurt.. One minute I'm thinking about something positive.. then I hear something.. and the next minute I'm down again..

It's been happening for the past two weeks.. and internally I feel ok (I think) I think there's shards of my heart that have fallen off (figuratively speaking). I'm still trying to comprehend what is wrong.. I know a major part of it is someone that is very close to me upset me to the point of tears.. but it was due to my own thinking and over analyzing (mentioned in the previous post).

I don't want to say I'm a wreck.. but I think I am at the moment! I feel unsettled.. I feel sad, I feel like I'm all over the place-- but I think it's because of the fact I've started this new role at work and this week has been quite hectic and I haven't had the 'me' time that I need... and on top of that this weekend is busy for me.. and then the next week is going to be the same..

Also... this month (on the 24th to be exact) would be 5 years since my mother's death.. and I think that is another contributing factor.. even though I STILL don't understand why NOW I'm mourning. But I think it's because the past couple of years I pushed it to the back of my mind and decided to kind of ignore it... but I should know myself by now.. anything I push to the back of my mind will get pushed to the forefront at some point and kick me right in the butt.

..which is what has happened.

I've already acknowledged that my mind is something else.. so I really need to try hard to work on it, and also with God's help. But one thing I just realised,.,. what would help is if I communicate more. But I was having a think on the way to work.. and to me.. the people that I communicate with the most.. I feel or I think don't really like to communicate.. and the more I want to talk.. the more I think they are getting fed up and think I'm just being an over emotional person.

A lot of the time I really don't think people understand me.. which is why I keep myself to myself. I feel like people think I'm too emotional or too sensitive when all I really want is someone to understand me and know when I say a certain thing.. I mean something else.

I concluded that I am a bit complicated too.. lol as a person because I will always say one thing and mean another.. like I will say 'no' but I mean 'yes', or I'll say 'go away' when I really I want you to stay..

*sigh* Yeah... there's a battle going on within myself at the moment.. a battle of emotions... thoughts..

I need your help God...