She hides behind the smiles

The tears that seem to never end stream down her cheeks. Each time a tear streams towards her chin, ready to plop onto her scarf, she flicks it away with her index finger.

There's a mother and a little girl sitting across from where she's sitting. The little girls big brown eyes stare at the amount of tears that are leaving her eyes. Her vision is too blurred to notice. The tears are becoming too much now, that she uses her scarf as a tissue; wiping away the pain.

Her lips begin to quiver while the train alights at the next station. She looks at the mother and the little girl--still looking at her-- as they get off the train.

I didn't do anything wrong

The train is on the move again; she wipes underneath her nose and sniffs. A gentleman with unkempt black hair sits in front of her, with his large skullcandy headphones. She looks away from him as he notices the tears dropping off her face. His eyes every so often glance at her.

Her train stop finally arrives; her head down, she exits the train and wipes the remainder of what she has to leave behind.

She sighs as she walks down  the stairs and to the barriers. She looks up and sees her friend waving.

"You alright?"

"Fine", she says, smiling.

We all lead a different life

So after my immensely crappified day yesterday..

I'm a little more at ease today-- but still feeling a little scattered and fragile.

If you ask me why, I really couldn't tell you.


But today's been a bit better... work wise.. but in my head-wise.. it's a no no.

Every thought that I have managed to put in the nothingness parts of my mind have come to the forefront.

But enough about that.
I was just thinking about how we all have different lives-- and what triggered that is today when a delivery man came to deliver some boxes of stuff, I noticed he had a kenyan bracelet on his wrist.. and he said he went there around December.
Why did he go there? For family?

It's like.. we all come from different places in the world, and we all don't know what it had to take in order for us to get where we're at now...

Ugh.

I won't even bother myself..

I'll make more sense in another blog

x_x

Pain is good

Why do we like to hurt ourselves?

I was walking to work.. and a lady lit up a cigarette in front of me-- and starting her puffing of her cigarette as she was walking-- and then I noticed she had a pack of Orbit chewing gum in her other hand.

Now.

I could be assuming-- but I believe she will chew that gum after she finishes her cigarette-- which means she knows her breath will smell.. so why have such a habit that will cause your breath to smell?
My thought for the rest of my walk to work was.. 'Why do we do these things?'

She's already doing a habit that is harming her on the inside.. she knows she'll smell.. but she's continuing to do it? Why do we like to hurt ourselves?

Why do we like to keep people around that constantly use us? Why do we like to keep people around that aren't necessarily benefiting us, but we allow them to hang around? Why do we allow people to make us feel in a way, but they say that they love us, and they only have our best interests at heart?

Why do we do it?

Do we like to feel pain? Do we like to hurt ourselves, all in the name of love? And love doesn't have to be just the sexual kind-- the kind of love you have between your parents, your friends, anyone.

I was literally asking myself those questions, and then evaluating my own self.

There's so many reasons why we do such things..

The main one being fear. We're afraid to lose people that we've known for so long, because we think that we can never get those kind of people again-- or if we lose those people, we'll wonder, who do we have left?

When it comes to those kinds of habits like the one I mentioned earlier-- it's a comfort thing. We don't want to stop because we know once we do it, we will get that same buzz or high, and for a little while everything is ok.

We're so layered as human beings, and we do so many things to mask how we truly feel.

I'm in those kinds of moods today. And I guess because it's a dreary day as well..

Hm..
x

And the cycle continues

Always at the end of the month.. the same of feeling of 'Why', and 'When?' and 'Is this ever going to end?' and that Unfulfilled feeling, and just down right feeling like a piece of poo.

Every month, without fail.

And it's not like I don't know things will get better, and it won't last forever-- well it's been going on for long enough, and I'm getting a little tired of it, quite frankly!

It's getting irritating, like that little fly that won't go away as much as you shoo it with your hand.

But what else can I do but persevere? There's nothing else. So.. God... I always look to you.. when the end of this comes.. I will be so happy.

Because I'm not content where I'm at.. I'm surviving. That's about it.

But all will be well, I do believe.. but it can get so irritating and tedious when it keeps happening.

Otherwise, I'm blessed. And I can see the signs. I have no doubt God is working it out for me-- but sometimes you sit and ponder and just come up with all sorts of malarky in your mind.

But after the preaching I heard on Sunday.. and what I've accomplished this far... this thing is a miniscule of my life-- but it's something that shouldn't be there at all and should be driven out.

And then I think all sorts of thoughts about myself, and if I'm a good person, and If I'm doing the right thing.. and what will people think of me.. and this and that.. and this and that.

It's ridiculous. I wish my brain had an off switch.. but then.. I think I'd be brain dead. lol.

But not a literal off switch.. just switch off the stupid thoughts!

I did have something meaningful to write.. and then it just turned into a rant.

I'll write about it later..

x

And here's to another Monday.. + Stress

I always want Monday's to zoom by.. I just don't like Mondays. The fact that it's the day after the weekend.. and you have to put in your head that you have to endure another 5 days at work..

Such and such, bladdee-blah.

But they're not all bad-- I've had some great Mondays.. it's just Mondays aren't consistent.. as in, they're not consistent with it being fun... it always drags (on that rare occasion when the day literally ends in the blink of an eye..) and it's a day where I'd really prefer to be in bed.

I protest that we permanently have a three day weekend.. or Monday is included in the weekend.. but then that means kids will also have one less day at school.. and we can't deprive them of their edumacation!

Ok I'm going off on a tangent here.

Yeah.. Monday's suck.

And I was reading in the paper that Stress in women cause them to be infertile. It just shows that stress is much of a silent killer than we realise.. and what is stress anyway? Unnecessary strain on our minds on things we have no control over? or strain on our minds over things we could have changed or prevented?


Ohhh life, and this country...

Anyway!

Onwards to Tuesday!
x

Mucho inspired!

After attending that Creative Writing day on Thursday, I've felt super inspired and I'm even thinking to compile some stories that I've already written into a series.. because a lot of them have the same kind of theme..

The holidays are coming so I'll have some time.. and God willing I'll have my laptop back too.

I sent some pitches to the Guardian as well-- I've written for them before so hopefully I can start writing for them on a regular basis! That would be amazing..

Otherwise everything is well.. and I hope this fire stays.. I miss writing how I used to..

x

Hello? Anyone out there?

So.. I did a little make over to the blog space.

I liked my previous design.. but the blog was a little 'dark'.. so I wanted some colours.

Whaddya think?

And please do not be a stranger, send me comments, I like feedback. :)

I believe this is the last post of the day..

x

I'mma still do a Flashback Friday

Despite all the excitement..

Flashback! (University assignment..)

Real World


"Hey, I'm God, what would you like done to the world?" He says, stroking his beard.

"You're not God." The guy at the counter says. "He doesn't exist, the world came about through science."

"I am God. My son is Jesus. My wife is Mary. I want to do good by you people."

"Oh yeah? So why do good things happen to bad people? Why do we lose so many innocent people, like Princess Diana? Where were you when she died?"

"The devil took over. There was nothing I could do."

"Oh yeah? But I thought you were God? God is all knowing, all seeing, all powerful right? What a crock, get out of my shop." The guy points to the door.

He obeys. God walks out of the shop, looking at the streams of people walking, running, skipping, and jumping. His halo is dirty, so he wanders to a car wash to see who he can help next.

"Hi there, I'm God, I need to wash my halo, and in return can I do anything for you?"

The woman at the cash register stares at his face. She looks at his long brown beard, and his draping white cloth.

"God? Where were you when I prayed for my daughter 3 years ago?"

"I was there watching over you, and protecting you, just like you asked for, Jill."

"So why did you let her die?" She says, starting to weep.

"I can't save everyone, I save who I can."

"I'm an atheist now. We don't wash halos. Go back to heaven or whatever is up there and get it done yourself." She turns her head away from God.

He walks away from the car wash, not turning back. The sky is turning black. He waves his hand in front of his face; the sky is blue with no clouds in sight. God sighs, and walks within the lines of people on the busy sidewalk. He sees an old woman struggling with her groceries. He floats over to where she is and helps with her bags.

"Here you go." He hands her the bag full of fruits and vegetables.

"Leave my stuff alone, go and hassle other old ladies. I've been burgled enough. Go away!" She snatches the bag from his bony fingers.

He shakes his head, and continues to walk down the sidewalk full of people in suits, people in jeans, and children. Cars are honking, and people are yelling. He runs over to the first car in the intersection. The engine sputters.

"What's happened?" God says by the man's window.

"My car broke down. I think I might need to call the AA."

"I can help." God mumbles something under his breath and does the sign of the cross. "Try it now."

The man twists his keys in the lock; the car engine hums.

"What do I owe you, mister?"

"Nothing at all."

"I have to give you something, there must be a catch."

"No catch. I just wanted to help."

"Who are you, anyway?"



"I'm - I'm no one."

Published baby!

So last night was an amazing night for me as a writer.
My writing was picked to be part of an anthology of writers from my university, Roehampton.
Seeing it on the printed page was an amazing feeling.. And seeing my name in the contents page and my bio at the back just made me think 'Ok... I can do this'

The story in the anthology was actually a university assignment I did during my creative writing course that I submitted to be part of the competition when I was still at uni (the creative writing day has been going on for a while)
And the assignment was to literally sit at a train station, cafe, bus stop etc and listen to conversations. Believe. I heard some conversations.. But why that convo struck me the most is because of the language... The aim of the assignment was the to capture dialogue, and it was out of my comfort zone.

Minus the language, (profanity lol) I like the story because even though it's short, you see as you read that there's a little more depth to the two boys and by the language you can kind of tell their age.. And I lived by the sacred rule of writers, 'show don't tell!'

And even more unreal I got asked for my autograph! Me? Little old me?
Who knows, it may be worth something one day.

But I've been so inspired by that night, and I have so many unfinished stories.. I think may even compile some and make a series...

All in all.. I thank God.

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!! :D

Myths of being a believer

As soon as you mention God or any type of belief, there is always a change of intonation and expression.

Or is it just me?

In all honesty, when you decide to be a believer of God, there are particular aspects of what you used to do, and even your personality that begin to drop off, or change. This isn't done on purpose, but if you decide in your mind that you want to change, and you want God's help, and you INVITE him in your life, there's no doubt you will change, for the better.

The one myth I can clear out right now is the whole 'They can't talk about sex, etc..' It's like (it still happens in church) if you mention sex, or relationships or anything of that nature, you get a small gasp, and a 'You meant to be talking about that?' expression.

Really?

Are we not human? Do we not feel? Do we not have penises and vaginas? We're not trees..

Anyway.

We're Holy.
Since when has ANYONE been holy? Yes, we are the image of Christ, but because we're human and we sin.. we tend to fall short. That's why there's something called grace. Everyone has their skeletons in their closet, and the things that they used to do in their past-- and this is the same reason why this is used against us, because many Christians appear as if they are holy, when they're not. They have flesh and they will surely sin.. so why not just be truthful?
Genesis 1:27 reads (KJV) 'So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them'
In his own IMAGE. We may not be JUST LIKE God, but we should be able to be in a way where we represent him. So if we make a couple of mistakes on the way, it's not the end of the world.

The: 'You need Jesus' phrase.

This isn't necessarily a myth, but it's something that I just wanted to extend my opinion on. You're scrolling on facebook, or any social networking site, and you see a couple of tweets or statuses that are ridden with cursing and inappropriate pictures.. and you see a comment saying 'You need Jesus. Go to Church'
Instantly, the person will take that offensively because it's like you're telling them something that they may not want to do-- and they will also attack you and ask you, 'Well what makes you so much better?'
And actually, they are right.
Don't we all make mistakes? Don't we all fall short?
As long as you have acknowledged what you've done wrong, instead of blaming someone else because of it, and make the effort to change out of your ways, (with God's help), then you've not only grown, but when someone else sees that, they may find it influential.
Proverbs 19:20 says 'Listen to advice and accept correction, and in the end you will be wise.'

Bible Bashers

Now.
I know people who have wanted to come to God, or wanted to go to church, but because they had that one experience where they were 'bible bashed' meaning, that they did something wrong, and at the end of it, there was that one person who slashed them up with the bible (in a negative way) to prove to that person that they need to come to church before they 'go to hell'
Now, in Hosea 4:6, it reads 'My People are destroyed for Lack of Knowledge'
These people, they had lack of knowledge. It doesn't make them bad people, it's just they didn't know any better, and were probably trying to do a good thing but it came out wrong.
This doesn't mean that all Christians are like that.
And I find it so irritating when we are all generalized.. not all of us judge people, not all of us are bible bashers, not all of us are people who are condescending and look down at people and think we're better than them.

No.

As a believer, I personally would love if all the people I know accept God in their lives and see how much their lives will change-- just like how I said in my other post that I'm not selfish and just want to share what God is doing in my life-- how about if I see someone else I know also being joyous and sharing what God has done in their lives?

It would be such a beautiful thing to see.

And I understand that people have had past experiences with people and church, and they don't really want to go there.. but really, if you wanted to go to church in the first place, you really shouldn't let a person stop you. No?

The whole reason for this post was to make some things a little more clearer and to put it out there that some people don't have knowledge yet of being a believer-- and that there are levels.
So forgive them..

And leave me comments.. thoughts.. something :)

Flashback Monday (since I didn't do it on Friday..)

Completely forgot about it!

Well.. here's another one of my past writings..

Conscience

He whispers sweet nothings in her pierced ear. They have been doing the same routine for two years. He calls her at the same hour, telling her what he thinks she needs to hear.

She’s had enough of the ‘I wishes’ and the ‘I wants’ No more.

She can’t fight the temptation to run back into his arms. He holds her so close… the smell of his aftershave mesmerizes her as his arms drape across her shoulders. He has her captivated in his spell. But she can’t do it anymore.

It’s not that easy for her to push him away. She looks at him and sees he is so comfortable in this situation. But why is she so bothered? A hopeless romantic—who only wants to be loved—just like all of the women she sees in the films. But she’s not them.

No. It’s much more than that. The urge comes within her to tell him. She’s sick and tired of this vicious cycle of pent up emotions, unsaid words, and impulsive actions. She doesn’t want to lie anymore.

She stands at the white door. The white door that has witnessed their adultery.

She can hear movement inside. She raises her clutched hand to the door to knock, and looks down at the green carpet lining the entire hallway. She sighs. She hears footsteps coming towards the door and starts to panic. But there’s nowhere to hide.

“Jess?” His voice soothes her soul.

“David!” She masks the sorrow in her voice with surprise.

“What are you—“

“I can’t do it anymore David!”

She flings her arms around him.

They kiss. Her lips pressed up against his, she loves this. She loves getting lost in his eyes, she loves being in that trance, not aware of the world. But she is in the world. She knows she’s not meant to be in this love trap anymore. She’s sinking in quick sand, but refuses to fight herself free.

This is a story I never finished!! Lawd... I must revisit this..

Don't judge me.. God is all I have..

Well.. I've been meaning to do a post like this for a while. I don't want it to be too long so you lose interest, but I want it to be in depth enough for you to understand and understand well.

I've always believed in God. But the belief was nowhere near the way it is now. My mother wasn't heavily Christian, and we weren't a family that went to church habitually every Sunday. Well, we didn't go to church at all.

We had faith. And we believed that there was someone watching over us.

I remember (this was when we were all in America; I used to live there...) we were having a conversation about heaven and God, and what we believed.. and we all believed something.

We still didn't go to church.

We all came back to London in 2002, and my mother fell ill around 2007, going to 2008, and she was on a rapid search for a healing. We went to about 2 or 3 different churches, until we found my church now, God's Solution Centre.

Now before I get into that, even before we did that, we were making constant trips to the hospital, I had to sacrifice days of uni to go and accompany her because there would be some days where she would be too weak to go by herself, and she kept on deteriorating.

When we set foot at God's Solution Centre, our faith soared. 

She started to get a little better--- but then tragically in 2009, she died of a heart attack, brought on by the cancer she had been suffering from, called Multiple Myeloma. (Has to do with the bone marrow..)

Now you would have thought that this kind of thing would have made me lose all faith in God.

It didn't.

It grew stronger. I obtained enough knowledge to understand that God gives and he takes away-- and also that God will always want our attention, and I believe this was God's way of seriously grabbing mine. 

I wouldn't say that my mother was my god per se-- but she was someone that was my source of strength and joy, as much as she would get pissed off at me, she was still my friend at the end of the day, and my mom.

But anyway, when she died, my faith grew, and I know that God wanted to use me for something great. I didn't endure all of that to not become strong out of it. My brother, who is currently estranged at the moment, completely broke down, and up until now is still asking, 'Why did God take her away?'

God isn't a mean God. He isn't. Everything he does is for our good. Even if the situation is bad, it's for a reason.

But. Yeah. So once I obtained that knowledge, I kept on feeding myself with more knowledge through my spiritual father, Pastor Abbeam Danso and here I am today.

Facebook statuses, twitter statuses, etc, this is why I flood them with God and how much I love him, because even though I lost my mother, he is still there looking after me, and I have a place to go and be amongst people that have the same faith as me-- these same people helped with my mothers funeral, and were generally-- and still there for me now. Why shouldn't I be eternally grateful to God and my church?

So.. I apologize to anyone that feels like I'm engorging their Time lines and news feeds with too much of God, but I am eternally appreciative and grateful for all that he's done for me, and that doesn't mean I'm going to bash you or whatever because of what you do or don't believe in- I'm sharing my relationship with God with you-- I don't want to be selfish and not let you at least know how God is changing not just my life, but people's lives everyday.

Oh, I didn't tell you.. I was held at knife point in 2009 as well. 

I got mugged. And God kept me.. I could have died-- the knife was held against my stomach-- It was so dark, that  I'm not even sure if it was a knife, i just saw something shiny pointed at me .

Either way, that night could have been the end of me, and I was by myself too.

It may not seem like anything because it's not your life.. it's mine, but I'm sharing how wonderful and beautiful God is. 

I have a relationship with God, that I'm perfecting everyday, and I believe it's selfish to not be able to share the glorious things he has done.

Just because I know God doesn't mean things are peachy. They aren't perfect either. But I'm living. I'm learning, and that is what life is for. To appreciate all it's beauty within the hardships and the joyful times. God has filled in that gap for my mother and become my source of strength, and that driving force backing the faith I obtain.

Romans 1:16 reads

'For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.'

I am not ashamed of God and all that he has done for me-- but I do sometimes become a little worried about what people think about me... because I had a scroll through my Facebook back in like 2004 and my statuses were not like how they were now! I'm not the same person I was then. 

In this life I know people are fine the way they are, they don't need to believe in everything, or even if they do.. I acknowledge that every one's paths are different, and this was mine. I'm still the same as in I still care, I'm still loving, I still worry (I really shouldn't!) and I'm still goofy-- it's just now I acknowledge and accept God in my life.

I've seen that some people I used to talk to have backed away from me.. and don't really talk to me as much.. and if that's due to my heightened faith and spiritual awareness.. then it's all part of the plan of God. I just hope that people aren't intimidated by me and still see me as someone they can still come and talk to.

I was distracted by so many things, and 2009 was the year God decided 'Right. Enough is enough. Her time is coming. I need her attention'

And here I am today.

Licked paper and ripped leggings

So I seem to just have a problem with tights, leggings, and jeans.
THEY ALL LIKE TO RIP!!

Jeans like to rip in the same place, mid upper thigh, in the same oval-ish shape.
I have big legs, I get it..

Tights don't like me.. And rip in the most awkward of ways.. And leggings rip the same way as jeans! Can't a girl catch a break?!

And I really find people that lick their fingers and turn the page of a paper so cringe worthy..

#rantover

We bless God.
That you and I are alive.

Today.. My mind is in a quandary about a couple of things.. And I found myself thinking out loud about certain things..
When you're doing something right, are you meant to feel as if it's wrong? I don't even know how to explain it..

It's still early.. I'm on my way to work.. I'll just continue to stare at the fog and get lost in the nothingness..

'I'm so sick and tired..'

Double whammy... (I didn't post yesterday)

On the way home on Sunday, I was on the train, and there were three girls that came to fill in the seats that were empty around me. They were all dressed up as if they were getting ready for a night out. They all looked about maybe 18, 19ish and there was one girl who wanted to phone her mother and tell her where she is.

But what she was saying, she was lying.

She told her mother that there was an accident somewhere and she had to get a bus back to where she lives-- (in actuality, they were on a train to Croydon)
Her mother then began to tell her off for 'following her friends' and I can assume the mother was African. After the phone call she began to well up, and say she wants to leave her house and tired of her mother always telling her off.. etc.
Now.. I give the girl points for at least calling her mother and letting her know of her whereabouts, despite that she lied-- but then at the same time her mother shouldn't of had a go at her-- but it could be possible she has done something like this previously, because why would the mother respond in such a way? Even before she phoned her mother, she was expecting her mother to react in some type of way.

Anyway.

Then her other friend phoned, and got caught out because she told her mother she was on a bus, and the train announcement blared through the speakers-- the phone cut out luckily for her, because we went under a tunnel.

I laughed.

Then the third friend phoned.

Now.. what I noticed (I'm a writer.. have to be observant..) was that once the first girl called, all of them called? Which is a good thing.. because even one of the girls said to the first girl that phoned (with the assumed African mum) that she 'wouldn't bother phoning her mother' But she ended up doing it!

Influence?

But.. the point of this is I felt so compelled to say something, after the first girl phoned after her saying she wants to leave her mothers house and she's tired of her.. etc and  because my stop didn't arrive yet-- but all I did was rub her shoulder as I was getting off and say 'Cheer up'
Her friends probably thought I was a weirdo.. but I didn't want to intrude on their conversations-- but I should of said something?

What if God judges me right now and asks why didn't I say something?

You see we have the power to make a difference.. and I wasn't confident enough. All I really wanted to say was something along the lines of is 'where you're going really worth lying to your parents about?' etc.
But I had the thought of, what will they think of me.. and will they just get up and move.. etc

But if it results in saving someone's life.. we shouldn't really care?
And I believe God tests me in this way because this is not the only time a similar situation like this has happened.. I've had people crying in front of me.. and I want to say something but I don't..

I think I've failed a lot of tests...

But.. I always say if you feel it... do it.

Lord have mercy-- give me the boldness to speak!

..And you're probably wondering how this story is so detailed and how I heard everything... I was just quiet and observant.. lol. And this is even good story writing material.

#lifeofawriter

Resist Temptation

Do you find it hard to restrain yourself when it comes to particular things?

Food? Sex? Gossiping? Lying? Splashing the cash?

We're human beings aren't we.. so it's only normal that we will encounter various types of temptations; but it's how you handle them that counts..

Oh... you just see that little bit of chocolate in the shop and you know you're on a diet, or cutting out chocolate from your usual snacking regime.. when you say to yourself 'Oh.. just one bar won't hurt..' and then you find yourself buying that same one bar every week.. when you're not mean to have it at all!

Or.. you've had some history with a particular person and just want to 'reminisce' for old times sake.. the attraction is heavy, and the feelings are jumping around like a teen in heat 'Oh.. just one more time won't hurt, what's the worst that could happen?'
Catching feelings? Catching an STD? The list could go on..

My point is, there are so many things in this world that we give into because we either just want to do it one more time.. or we don't take into consideration the consequences of our actions. Sometimes we just want to be a little daring and take that risk..
I'm always tempted.. and sometimes I do give into temptation.. and then my conscience eats away half of my brain afterwards.

And I literally ask myself why did I do that? Just to feel that smooth chocolatey taste in my mouth one more time... to feel him touching me in ways he shouldn't be... to feel 'prestige' because I bought those new shoes with money that I don't have.. that I bold faced lied in front of my parents face to go out with friends that we both know aren't good for me..

Why?

Temptation is everywhere.. but we have the power to resist it. I've been taught, we know, we KNOW when something is good or something is bad. No one has to say anything, we just know.

But we end up doing it anyway--- I don't want to use that whole 'we're human' line.. because that just gets used to do nonsense...

I know sometimes we have a weak moment and fall into it...

Everything has a consequence.. we just have to be that little bit stronger.


And this is a funny example to how tempting anything can be: (Gotta love Family Guy)

Beautiful Sunday

Ohhh the sun is shining.. And the warmth of the sun tickles my face..

So glad I'm still alive.. And I always say this.. It's an extreme encouragement to me.. Because the it means God wants to still use me for something.
Anything can happen in your sleep, but as long as you're still able to open your eyes and see the colours of your room, and feel the pillow underneath your head.. And acknowledging that you are still breathing...
You're blessed.

I don't even know how else to express it.. We take so much for granted.. We always say 'we'll see you tomorrow', but what if you don't wake up the next day?

Be grateful for all you have, no matter how small.. There's always gonna be someone out there who would wish to have what you have..

Again I say.. You're blessed x
Happy Sunday

Flashback Friday

So.. this may be a new thing.. don't know for sure.

Just went through my past writings... and found this... For people who know me, they will be able to catch it.. and the ones that don't; I lost my mom in 2009 to bone marrow cancer, (Multiple Myeloma), and this was written a little while after.. (well 2 years after..) I didn't like talking about it much because I didn't want empathy or pity, or people hearing me go on and on about my mother's death; and didn't want it to be taken as 'attention seeking' so I let it out in writing.

Thoughts

You don't know what goes on in my mind
The fact that I'm still here is a miracle.
It's all down to time.

2 years ago, my face was soaked in tears.

My whole body, trembling with fear--

My first encounter facing death.


I still can't find anyone to open up to

I don't want to burden anyone

Yes, this is true.


If it weren't for God, I'd be off the rails

Doing who knows what

But the devil would have no way to prevail.

I feel like a child, lost in a shopping centre

Unfamiliar with what's going on around me

How can this be?


But I have this feeling, that someone above

Is guiding me everyday

With an unconditional love


This hole in my heart will eventually be filled.

Time has to pass.

This is only a taste of what's in my mind.


I just thank God

That I'm still alive.

That Friday feeling

Ever heard of the wardrobe struggle?

Yeah... that uncertainty of what to wear every morning-- because half of your trousers/tights/leggings have holes in that same place on the right thigh??

Yeah. That.

Well.. I had that this morning-- and also had my hair to do (having your hair braided the night before and having to undo them etc... Naturals know what I mean.) BUT on the bright side I still caught my train, and got to work early.

That annoying feeling of waking up and having to rummage through all of your clothes, thinking if you've worn that already, if it's dirty, if it's ok to wear again even though you wore it two days ago-- that kind of thing.. where your clothes are literally on rotation.
But there's nothing wrong with that, we do the same with our underwear-- we wear it.. we wash it.. we wear it again.
It shouldn't be an issue.. but it is... because after a while we want new clothes and don't want to be out dated.

OH wells!

Every Friday, I have the 'I don't care.. it's Friday' attitude... because really it's the end of the working week.. I just want to stay in bed and not have to get up at 5.45 in the morning.. Ya know!

But regardless... despite all of that annoyance.. still grateful.
Glad it's the weekend though.. AND! The weather is going to be beautiful as well!

Oh.. and we turn the clocks forward this weekend.. don't forget -___-

Have a good one.
x

One last drag..

She flicks the lighter on-- the flame of fire warms her hand for a split second-- off. She flicks it off. She flicks it on again. Off.

She twiddles the cigarette in her other hand between her fingers. She takes in the smoothness of it-- and imagines the high she will get off it. The echoes of the past continue to haunt her. She flicks the lighter again.
She sighs, not being able to see her own hand in front of her once she flicks the lighter off.

She stands up from her fetal position on her bed, and walks over to her window. The windowsill drenched with rain, trickling down her bedroom wall. She puts the lighter near the head of the cigarette. She flicks it on.

'Who cares anyway?  It's only one cigarette.'

...I ached for him

My heart pounded in my chest

'Really?'

'Yeah, I did.. but after everything else that happened, I saw no point for feeling that way'

I smirked.

'So I don't really know how to feel. I care about you, but that's how far it can go.'

'No. You've decided in your mind that you don't want it to go any further

'I don't see the point'

'I do! We've had a long physical relationship that resulted in us both liking each other, but due to other circumstances you decided to become an emotionless pig..'

'Rude'

'It's true'

I ached for him.

I always found myself reminiscent of 'old times' coming to bed and meeting his warm body.. slowly undressing myself.. and him pretending not to notice... and I would know when I would feel his hand rubbing my lower back-- a subliminal invitation into our own little world where no one can interrupt us.

How we would entangle ourselves with each. others bodies.. the smell of faint cigarette on his breathe(that he claimed wasn't, but he's not a

very good liar) as he exhaled in sheer

pleasure.


After our euphoria, I would whisper, 'I missed you' while giving him playful pecks on his back; and he would whisper back without hesitation 'I missed you too'


He acted as if our encounters were forbidden--

because anytime I would ask a question he would--without fail-- avoid any form of a coherent answer. But when we're in bed together.. it's as if I just opened myself to a completely different human being.



...One of the many stories I need to flesh out and FINISH.....

Just to give a teaser.. this part of the story is a flashback.. or actually a multitude of flashbacks (first draft out 'ere!)
And the main issues that will be in this story are things like rape, self esteem, relationships, love..

I should be posting more snippets as the time goes on.. :)

Laptops, Lessons, Desires...

I've been deprived of my laptop for 2 months.

Withdrawal symptoms are kicking in!!

But anyway, besides that.. I feel so liberated right about now!

Have you ever had such a desire to be able to be the answer to everyone's problems? Or to have the answer to everyone's problems?

It's a stupid desire.

You know why? Because we're not God.. and if we EVER had the ability to have all of the answers.. we would destroy everyone that we know.

The things people want (or supposedly need) may not even be what they need OR want, but it's something that they see and THINK that they need for that specific moment.

So..  I'm not completely shutting down that desire-- but more realizing that there are other things that people people need like love, or a shoulder to cry on, or a sympathetic ear.

Not cigarettes, or alcohol or something that will temporarily alleviate feelings of sadness, loneliness.. etc but something that they need to soothe their SOUL.. a word, for them.

Bad company corrupts good morals, it says in the book of Proverbs, and the last thing you want to be is a person influencing someone to do bad, or even worse, giving in to their bad habits so you won't feel as if you're being a bad friend-- in their eyes of course.

And.. we ask so many questions in life that we really don't need the answers to at that present moment in time because we may not have the correct understanding or we're not really meant to know until later on down the line.

When I sit down and reflect about everything I always learn something-- and I'm not sure if it's only me that does this but I heavily analyse myself each day.. the stuff I say, the way I behave and revisit the moments where as soon as i've done something, I go 'Maybe I shouldn't have done that../said  that..'
And then regroup myself.

It's all part of improvement.. like I said previously.. this year is a year of improvement for me.. because I need to start making a mark!

And it's so beautiful today! <3