Christmas Eve

It's Christmas eve...

And my mood has been up and down today.
My mind took me back to 2009 again... the year that my mother died... and the fact that year was the first Christmas I spent without my mother. Even that Christmas is a complete blur to me-- it's as if my mind wiped that entire time out of my head because I couldn't cope.

Even so... as much as I want to try and not think about it.. I end up thinking about it!
I always have a conversation with my colleague at work as well because she lost her father not too long ago and one thing I told her is that you can't completely get over something like the loss of a loved one. You learn to live with it, but you don't actually 'get over' it or 'move on from it', which is why we get moments where we feel down because those memories and thoughts have come in the forefront of our minds.. but it's not necessarily always bad memories or sad thoughts-- but it is more of the realization that they are gone.. you get that empty feeling.

But I always see my loss of my mother in a weird way, as an encouragement to others around me-- the fact I'm still standing-- I lost my mother when I was 21... and I'm 27 now.. I've kept my sanity, and myself in a good place with the help of God-- and I've been able to survive by myself.. and yeah..

But overall--- I'm really not feeling the 'Christmas spirit' this year-- Christmas seems to have... crawled upon me this year-- it's like December happened and I blinked and now it's Christmas.

Totally crazy!

But, I'm grateful I'm still here and to celebrate with loved ones and close friends.

Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas x

Ups and downs, smiles and frowns

So.. it's almost been a month since I've posted anything again..

It's been a very adventurous month or so..
A lot has happened.. I can say.. good things have happened.

I've been having a very bad ankle of recent-- very swollen and very painful. I've had an on again off again problem with my ankle but it's never gotten to this level..
But I'm not really concerned too much.. it will go. I just need to take care of myself...

It's practically Christmas... and I can't believe it. There's a lot I want to achieve in the new year and I'm praying to God that I can fulfil it.

This year hasn't been all bad... there have been good points about the year... despite not completing some of the goals that I had previously envisioned.
But everything in its time, right?

God is with me every step of the way anyway--- just have to keep pushing through!

Almost reaching the end of the year

I just can't believe it!

We're already in like the third week of November.. and Christmas ads and music are just playing so cheerfully.

The end of the year always causes me to reflect.. just about what I've achieved throughout the current year and what I plan to achieve in the forthcoming year..

Things do happen and we may not achieve what we want.. but it doesn't mean that you have failed.

So many things happen towards the end of the year that should make you really appreciate life and all it has to offer..


Christmas is in 5 WEEKS!

:0

I'm in my own world

I was speaking to one of my brothers... and I said to him 'I'm just in my own little world you know... where everything is positive and shiny..'

He goes..

'Yeah. I don't get it.'

I've adopted a perspective on life where I look at everything in a positive light; and I try to look at the good in every situation-- sometimes that can make look a little oblivious and naive-- but really I'd rather think and look positively than be amongst the majority that think negatively or have given up on positivity; and have a 'glass half empty' look on life.

I always uphold hope that something better will come out of the situation.

Clearly... I am a human being and I will have days where I'm a little down-- the difference is to get up and not remain in that slump.

But yeah.. sometimes I feel like I'm in my own world with my positivity and rainbows like good ol spongebob over here:

:)

Youtubers hustle

Well... seeing as I haven't posted... that much....

I'm going to do TWO posts today.


So... Today's Saturday... the day that I catch up on practically everything. My shows. My belongings... my LIFE. lol.

But today I was mainly catching up on my youtube vloggers.. my regulars that I try and watch during the week but I don't finish them because I fall asleep.. because I need to wake up at the crack of dawn the next day.

But yeah... I always tend to gravitate to the comment section because there are so many people with... for a lack of a better phrase; very colourful with their opinions.

But at the end of the day... these people work hard, and they get paid for what they do. They work hard to provide content for us for our viewing pleasure...

...that's THEIR hustle. I appreciate all of the vloggers. I HEART all of you. Your content is beautiful and genuine and it's great to watch when you're having a bad day, a good day, or when you just want to get away from your life a little bit,

They be hustlin' to make a living too!

They be running through the 6 with THEIR woes!

Don't ask. lol. But you know what I mean!

Everyone is trying to make a living.

Shoutout to all the youtubers-- you all are very dedicated individuals and continue what you do!

The LaVigne Life
GabeBabeTV
Thedailydavidsons
Latoya's life

<3

Love

So... it's been almost a whole MONTH since I've posted in here.

That was not in any way intentional-- life gets in the way.. you know? But I have been writing... just not in here.. x_x

But. I was reminded about love earlier on this week.

Love isn't selfish.
Love is kind.
Love is patient.
Love can come with pain.. but that only validates to you that you really do love the person. You wouldn't allow someone to hurt you if you didn't love them.
Love can be so blinding that you don't see the faults of the other person.. so much so, they could be hurting you and you will never see it that way.

Most of all... love is a complex emotion all of the same... how can you hate someone so much but still love them with all of your heart?

Love... most of all.. is ACTION

Saying it is all well and good... but what have you done for the person to truly see that you mean what you say?

Love is more than an 'I love you'-- have you been there when the person has been at an all time low? What did you do?

Love is something that if it is true-- it can change someone's life for the better. I'm not just talking about love between a man and a woman, but just genuine love for one another.

And don't just wait until someone is on their death bed to finally tell them... show them while they are still on this earth!

Share the love. Everyone needs it.

Loyalty

Yesterday I heard a word at church... and it has caused me to reflect. So much.

It made me delve deep into my whole life... myself, my motives... everything.

I'm a firm believer in the Lord because he has definitely been my rock and foundation through some of the hardest times of my life since I was 20.
But the question has arisen... 'How loyal am I to God'? When things are all great and wonderful, I'm happy and praising God.. but when things get tough I always ask God 'Why?'.
When things are good.... why am I not asking him 'What do you need me to do now Lord?'

God isn't someone you pick up whenever you feel like.. once you decide to invite God into your life, that is it-- he is the one who is guiding your life.
It shouldn't be a thing of just acknowledging him when things are good... but when they are bad also.

I'm still reflecting... but it's just some things that are flying around in my head..

#thoughts

Gratitude

My heart has really been on gratitude for the past week or so.. and I've been reflecting on it so much.

It shouldn't have to be when the going gets tough that we appreciate what people do for us.. but we should always take into account their existence and the fact that they have stayed around and supported for so long.

But not even just people.. just our lives in general. Do you ever think when you get home, all of the the things that could have happened to you?

You could of been hit by a car.
You could have choked on water or food.
You could have collapsed.
You could have just stopped breathing.
The bus you rode on could have been in an accident.

I know these seem extreme.. but when you think about it, any of these things could have happened. Not too long ago in my area, someone got hit by a car-- full on collision. Thank God he survived it, but imagine all of the injuries?
There is someone that is protecting you every single day. God. And I am forever grateful that despite the circumstances.. me forgetting to acknowledge him, constantly complaining to him.. he still loves me and he still protects me.

Don't you ever sit down and take a look at your life and where it is now? What could of happened to you, or what you just avoided going through. There are some places we are not even meant to experience..

It's a lot.. but adopt a gratuitous attitude. It makes life that much more sweet.. and you will just see how much people do care about you.. and you will see the people who are really in it for you and who are not.

Life is always a learning process.

x

A writers cry

It's 12:48am.

There is a lack of motivation. To write. To visualize. To feel. To comprehend.
You could have been writing from 48 hours to 48 years... This same problem still rears its ugly head.

Writers block.

But it's a new species.
To me anyway.

The blockage is not what to write.. But just writing in itself.
The indecisiveness and the ultimate procrastination.

"Ah buck up.. All you need to do is just write. It's easy"

Forgiveness

Over the past weekend I've been learning in depth about forgiveness.

It has really sunken in.. and I know there are things I have yet to let go.

It's hard. I won't lie to you. It's so easy to say 'Just forgive.. let it go'

But there are so many things that people have done to you that have caused so much pain.. so much hurt.. that sometimes you can't even bare to speak or even see the person. Even to look at them, it's too painful.

Some people manifest their lack to forgive by being bitter; or intentionally doing things to make that person feel the way they feel. Or some people do nothing at all. They just hold onto it.. and allow the pain to manifest within them.

It's not good for you. 

Forget what they did. You don't deserve such pain. Why are you holding onto it? What is it doing for you?

Let it go.. if you need to go to that person and apologize to them for holding so much against them.. 

Hug them.

Tell them you love them.

Unforgiveness will get you nowhere. Trust me. 

Forgiveness is a tool that we are meant to harbour and use. 

It is hard. But do it. And see how different you'll feel.

x

Thankful Tuesday

Looking at the beautiful blue skies with the fluffy clouds...
The breeze blowing calmly over my face..

I know everything is in line.

My heart may be heavy... My mind may be in overdrive... But

I am blessed. You are blessed.

There is hope in the storm.
All the tribulations and persecutions are part of the process of life and necessary for the journey.

#thankful

Easier said than done

Have you ever gotten to a point where encouragement no longer encourages you, or when you receive encouragement, it is so easy to hear it.. but to go all out and apply it to YOUR life is proving difficult? Someone tells you to 'Get up and move' or 'Make a move...' but you just can't do it?

Have you ever gotten to that point? Were you able to pass through it?

Sometimes in life.. there are things that we don't want encouragement for.. but rather we want answers. And we want them now.

Wherever we find ourselves in.. have you ever thought to yourself 'God.. what do you want me to learn out of this?' or 'God.. what are you trying to bring to my attention?' Because everything that happens in our lives.. God has allowed it to happen.. the good and the bad.

But we are so quick to come out of the bad that we don't actually have the time to be still.. and wonder what we need to get out of it.

God speaks to us all the time.. but do we hear him? We are too distracted by the multitude of thoughts in our minds.. to all of the other external distractions that we don't even seek for his counsel. Sometimes God wants you to himself.

There's so much that we can be encouraged about.. but until we decide to get up.. we will stay in the same place.

There's a lot of things that are said to us that seem so easy to say.. but to actually do them is a completely different story.

But... I know it's not coincidental.. whenever I'm troubled I'm always reminded in Philippians 4:6

Pray.

Pray.

It's the best thing to do.

In everything. Pray.

Who do you run to?

Do you ever think to yourself.. The people that you run to for help, who do they run to when they need help? Who is their person that they can rant to; that they can unload to?
A lot of the time we are so engrossed in our problem that we don't think about what anyone else is going through.
We are human yes. We do get caught up in the moment.. Yes. But after everything is said and done.. You've unloaded your burden.. But what about them?

They have solved your issue.. But what about theirs?
We are all meant to help each other..

Just some food for thought...

It's not always about you

I am learning so much in this life that always thinking about yourself doesn't get you:

Anywhere!

But when you think of others, it will come back to you; my spiritual father, Pastor Abbeam Ampomah Danso always says 'When you do good, you do it for yourself'. 

When you think of others with a kind heart, not expecting, and not doing it just for show, you will see at the time you least expect, somebody will remember you and it will be at the time you need it the MOST.

Has it happened to you before?

It's good to be a little selfish, in terms of taking care of yourself and your well being.. yourself comes first in some aspects, but it should not be COMPLETELY about you all the time! Too much of everything is bad; when was the last time you thought to check up on someone? When was the last time you helped someone in need? Offered a helping hand? A shoulder to lean on?

All of these things that seem very small, are actually the biggest things in the eyes of a lot of people. The fact that you have decided today, you are sacrificing yourself, your time, energy.. whatever the case maybe just for another person; it's more than a blessing.

We are living in a world where, unfortunately, people are caring less and less, and becoming more and more selfish-- but don't get me wrong, there are the minority of people that help and spend their time helping and supporting the wellbeing of others.

But think to yourself, what do you fall under?

Unseen Beauty

I stare into your eyes

The window to your soul

I stare into your eyes

You are in total control.

The others bypass your glorious beauty

But they don't see what I see

It's not your duty--

It's not their fault if they can only look

at the outward appearance.

They are blinded by the temporary mask

It's no bother to try and even ask--

if they will ever like you.

I remember the late night talks we had before

You spilling out your heart

Your soul

Your entire core.

The times we spent together, you crying on my shoulder.

I couldn't believe you can't see your beauty

As for me, I see the true you

You're loving, caring, and generous

It's finally due

to be with you.

God knows!

I have totally been uplifted after a message from my spiritual father came forth on the 28th of June 2015 entitled 'GOD KNOWS'

The title itself speaks multitudes and I am so happy that I was able to hear it.
I believe it was JUST for me. You know when you're in a particular situation, and you hear something and it's practically describing what you're thinking, how you're feeling at that point in time and describing right down to the 'T'..

Yes.

That's how I  felt so I know God definitely wanted me to hear something.

Well. In Ezekiel 37, it speaks about the 'The Valley of the Dry Bones'..
What have you considered in your life to be dry? To be run down; to be on its last tether?
Ezekiel was told by God to PROPHESY, (which just means to speak) onto the dry bones and they shall receive flesh, they shall receive life.

We already know power lies on our tongues-- that situation or that problem that you think will never end, speak to it, and let there be a change.

The key for this to work is FAITH. How much do you believe? Or has the problem been going on for too long so you have lost all faith in you coming out of it? No. Nothing lasts forever. Everything is for a reason and there is a process of time before you move to the next level. How do you think you will be able to come out of anything unless you believe that you can?
Speak into that situation.. POSITIVELY
'I can do this!'
'I will come out of this'

And watch what happens. It is so easy to speak negatively about things, but we must be able to adopt a positive mindset.

Be Encouraged. God knows exactly what he is doing. Endure in that situation. You will come out stronger and wiser than you were.

Be positive

Think Positive

SPEAK positive.

And things will change.

Hugs

Well... anyone that knows me knows I love hugs..

So.. why not write a poem about it?

(Very old!)

Your embrace fills me with such calmness

I need more

Your arms wrapped around my body

The warmth fills my inner core

You do love me

And so do I

I just need one more hug

in order to get by

Your touch gives me goosebumps

and shivers up my spine

It's also another way

to keep me in line.

There's no one else who can hug me like you

All in all, it gets me through.

'My Father'

A very old poem that I wrote...

Almighty Father

He looks at me from above

Almighty Father

He manifests himself like a white dove.

When I'm alone, he is my comforter

He is my strength

If it wasn't for him

I would have met my death.

I can talk about anything with my king

Because he is the creator of all.

I can talk about anything with my king

Even when I fall.

In my bed, when I cry myself to sleep.

He is there, collecting my tears

When I wake in the morning

I feel joy, so deep.

The times I feel alone

I call out to my father

In the darkness of my shadows 

I'm completely in my zone.

My father is the one who is keeping me alive

My mother is no more.

He is my heart, my soul.

He has arrived.

'The man'

#storycorner
What do you think? Is this how men are?



He walks into Tesco, mentally taking notes of what to get for his newly bought flat. He grins, seeing as most of what he needs is in the confectionary aisle. With his gruff fingers, he grabs onto a packet of mini eggs, a packet of chocolate digestives, crisps, candy bars and sweets. He remembers something; limps to the next aisle down to pick up a bag of apples. He must keep tabs on his healthy eating as his doctor has told him;
“You are borderline diabetes.”

He shakes the thought off his shoulders and turns around to look at the checkout points: they are all rammed with ladies and their children sitting in overflowing shopping trolleys. He grunts underneath his hot breath until he spots the self service checkout. His eyes gleam in delight as he makes his way with the hand basket dangling from his meaty arm.

He steps in front of the screen and stares at the flashing start button. He looks at everyone else tapping the screens, and scanning their items with ease. Taking a deep breath, he points his index finger with a little grit under the nail, and pokes the start button. A female voice tickles his eardrums.

“Welcome, scan your first item.”

He takes the digestive packet and swipes it along the clear surface. It beeps. He sees the bag on the left hand side and dumps it in. With this new found knowledge, he scans the rest of the confectionary goods like a pro; he’s thinking about how he will enjoy all of this when he gets home.
He swipes the apples, but the price doesn’t go through. The woman’s voice comes on again.

“Scan your items, or press finish”

He pokes the screen again. Nothing happens. He pokes the other sections on the main screen to find where the apples are. He starts to tremble. Where is it? He scans the apples again. Nothing. It’s been a busy day in Tesco and the self service machines have all been filled. A queue starts to form. A sheet of sweat covers his pimpled brow. Out of all the items, it had to be the one I didn’t want! He grumbles again. He’s looking around seeing the people dispense the money and leave. He can’t.
He can feel his heart beat quickening. The queue keeps on building up and he’s now using all of his fingers to poke the button.
He takes a deep breath, bows his head down, swallows his pride and opens his mouth.

“Excuse me, can I have a bit of help please?”

'In your weakness lies your strength'

My spiritual father would say this so many times while he is preaching and I never understood it until JUST recently. It just dropped in my mind when I was thinking about it..

Can you imagine?

Your weakness tends to be looked at as something negative, right?
No. This is not the case! Your weakness is not something that should be looked down upon, or pushed at the back of the closet of your deepest darkest secrets.. (We all have that..)
But instead EMBRACE your weakness, because in it, your strength will also be found.

So lets have a little example; lets say, your 'supposed' weakness is women. Weakness being that you can't help to draw yourself close to a woman, or you just love being around women...
Your strength would be associated with women; encouraging them, empowering them; rather than the stereotypical 'womanizer' label that men tend to get.

But do you see where I'm going with this?

If your weakness is... your emotions; (as women...) the only reason why emotions are a weakness is because we don't know how to control them.
So if you took heed and got on top of them.. do you know how powerful you would be? When you are in tune with your emotions, you are in control, and as women we have intuition.. our intuition would be heightened and we would be able to take control of wherever we are.

But this is the understanding that I have grasped, and I know exactly what my weakness(es) are.

Take a moment to reflect, and you will find out your strength.

x

To the Broken Hearted

Dear Reader,

I know that person hurt you.
I know that situation seems like it is never ending.
I know you have no money.
I know you feel like you want to give up.
I know you feel as if no one is there to help.
You're tired of crying. You're tired of keeping up the façade of being 'fine' and convincing yourself that everything is 'ok.'

I know.
How long you may have been crying; how long you may have been suffering, can I reassure you that there is a way out?

Hannah cried out of her heart to be able to bear a child; her deepest desire. God answered her cry.

Are you telling me that situation that you are so embarrassed to speak about; or that problem that you seem to have been in for far too long.. God can't turn it around?

He can.

I am inviting you, to come and receive that answer to that cry-- that desire that has been in your heart for far too long that you thought would never be answered.
A 4 day programme entitled 'Tears of Hannah'

Your cry WILL be heard.

Random story Idea

So.. on my way to church yesterday.. the most random story idea dropped in my mind.
I have an App on my phone called 'Write' and it's just an empty screen (similar to notepad.. etc) and I started writing.. and writing.. and writing.. and now I'm starting to fall in love with the story.. and wanting to add more.. formulating the characters... giving them their personalities..


It was so weird how it happened.

I'm going to continue with this flow.. I don't even know if it's a short story, novel, novella.. I don't know.. and i'm not going to limit it..

I'll see where I'll go..

Kind of excited actually!

I love being a writer... :)

Don't you sometimes feel...

Like you want to be alone?

Like you just don't want to be around anyone?

Like.,..there are just SO many things that need to adjusted with yourself and your life?


That's the kind of time I'm in now..

God help me.

Snippet of a hopeful short story

He came inside of her... she felt everything. 

He sighed; his hot breath on her neck.

'Mmmm....' a smile creeps onto her lips.

She rubs his back.. smoothing the goosebumps on his skin.

'Stay..'

He holds her by her side, lifting up his head, meeting her intense brown eyes.

'I can't...'

She exhales, taking his hands off her body.

'Don't do this again.. why do you think things will ever change between us?'

She sits up on the bed, her dark brown hair draped to one side.

'Because things have changed.. don't you see?'

He moves in closer.. his hands stroke her pert nipples.

Her whole body tingles... she swipes his hands away.

'Stop. Don't do this again.. stop avoiding this.'

He sighs

'What do you want me to say?'

'I love you, for a start?'

'Don't do this..'

'Do what?'

'You know we have an arrangement..'

'Fuck the arrangement! You love me and I love you, what more do you want?'

He looks at her eyes filling with tears.

'I can't do this right now'

He gets up from the bed, and grabs his clothes, puts his boxers on first.. his jeans, and throws his top over his head.

'I can't do this right now'

You can't do it alone

I have come to realize.. and also seen that you cannot do anything alone.

You can get to a particular point, but once you've reached it, you need help.

It's always good to know people and create relationships because you will never know when you need them in the future.

Just a reminder.. x

Trust

Have you ever thought to yourself, 'Why do these people trust me?'

The people that are around you, or the people that speak to you and tell you their most innermost thoughts and secrets (sometimes, these people aren't even close to you, they are just people that gravitate to you and seem to open up!)

But don't ever sit down and reflect on that? Trust is a very fragile thing-- it can be compared to an egg; once you drop that egg, it's never the same again. This is exactly what happens with trust.

I always fear when people trust me-- not in a bad way, but in a more respective way-- because why would someone want to trust me with their secrets, or anything else for that matter? It's a scary thing to betray someone's trust or to abuse it.

Whenever I see that someone trusts me, I'm always careful with that person, making sure that I do the right thing-- I wouldn't want someone else to do betray or abuse my trust, so why would I dare d
o that to somebody else?

Over the course of my life I've had people tell me their secrets, confide in me about things that they haven't told anyone else-- I've had people giving me responsibilities that I don't even deserve to have.. and I always ask myself why?

I find it to be a privilege-- and at the same time it's something that always puts me in my place and helps me to be a better person.

#thoughts

Prayers for Baltimore

Oh my God!

This is absolute madness. I know I don't live in Baltimore anymore.. but I grew up there and I can't believe what's going on.

Just as any chaotic thing will start... it started out as a peaceful protest, for a guy named Freddie Gray who died while in the custody of police. It is to be assumed that while in custody the police brutally hurt this man to the point of death; because he was alive and well when he was arrested. The reason for his arrest is unknown.
Freddie Gray is a black man.

That detail alone caused uproar in Baltimore-- and is causing schools to be closed. Riots and looting are going on everywhere and residents in Baltimore are in a state of fear.

It's so crazy that something similar has happened here right in London. The media are a focusing on the bad aspect of what's happened.. because it did start out as a peaceful protest for a genuine cause.

But only God knows what is going on..

I did it!

My new blog for us fellow writers:

http://writetouplift.blogspot.co.uk/

I'm TRYING to keep it up to date... this lack of a laptop is very annoying..


But.. check it out!


The vlogs will start soon.. ish..

:)

Thought nuggets

You know when you just have so many thoughts in your mind, and you want to do so many things?

But you're just sitting there asking yourself, where do I begin?

I still need to make this blog.. and I even want to start making vlogs at some point...


..you know what, I need to stop saying I'll do it and just do it and see where God will take me.


Lets' go..

Ideas?

Sooooo.....

I'm planning to make a brand spankin' new blog with all of the trimmings..


..I'll still have this one though.

This blog I'm going to make will be on an individual topic... (will be something in relation to writing.. advice.. etc) and hopefully it'll catch on..

It's hard to have a blog that people will come to, read, share, like etc..

But hopefully it will be good.

So here's hoping!

x

Sipping on my tea.. Sipping on my tea..

So for some reason last night I accumulated the most bunged up/runny nose EVER! And it came out of nowhere-- well, I've had a runny nose for the whole week but I thought that was just my nose.. my nose has a mind of its own and so I took it as normal..

So since last night I've been drinking black tea/honey/lemon and it's working wonders... so I'll keep it up and hopefully this nose will subside..

Other than that.. the lemon has made me hands smell lemony. lol..

But yeah. lol

Writing out loud

Been writing.. the old skool way with a pen and notebook..

I have to say, I almost forgot how therapeutic it feels..
Wrote a little of what was on my mind yesterday.. and I'm just like *sigh*

But I just need to take it as it comes.. there's so many questions I ask myself.. but then i don't even have the answers.. so I stay there agitated because I have no answers...

So silly.

Oh well.. will definitely get some writing done tonight again..

Zendaya + Natural Hair + Stereotypes

Reading about what Giulana Rancic from 'E' entertainment said about Zendaya's hairdo at the Oscars didn't phase me in the slightest, because this isn't the first time something like this has happened.. racist outbursts are said but done in the most subtle way, and just slip in between the cracks-- the comment although, was completely unacceptable.
Saying that her hair:  “smells like patchouli oils….and weed.”

Hold up, wait a minute!

Do you not see how racist that comment is? Sadly enough I was just thinking about this the other day that racism is still very much evident, even in this time and age. As much as her comment  got laughed off by her fellow colleagues on the 'Fashion police', it definitely was not-- in any shape or form- a laughing matter.

LOOK at this gorgeous-ness! Why would such a stereotypical ignorant view be said? It's like to say that all black people smell-- which I have heard being said before!
I mean, a lot of the time in the media, when things like this are being said, they are just shrugged off, when really it is a big deal and it does need to be addressed.

But Zendaya responded beautifully and maturely to such a childish slur:

Even if she (Giulana) said it for comedic purposes... it wasn't funny. At all. In the slightest. 

Flip it around, if something was said about Giulana, I bet the media would have a lot to say on it.

It just saddens me that people still have this stereotypical view of black people-- we are all meant to be equal, but some people-- I guess do not feel that way, and this is why such things like what was said about Zendaya, still happen.

I mean, I love how Zendaya embraced such a style, it represents beauty, versatility and uniqueness-- and for it to be made so small and to be put in a box by just a couple of words.

Ridiculous.

But each to their own. Zendaya pwned Giulana. End of.

Rock on, girl.

Who am I?

There's something that my spiritual father always says.. And I tend to think about it and then push it to the back of my mind..
He says 'The reason why a lot of people are suffering is because they do not know who they are'
And my first thought was 'Well, I know who I am.. I'm Diana' and that's when I push it back.

But really.
Who am I? I'm a person who is very in tune.. Or i'd like to believe I have a level of intuition, I am really passionate, emotional, loving, caring-- I can be possessive, jealous, passive aggressive..
But in all these things, is this who I am, or am I just recycling this from what people have told me? Because you know sometimes people can tell you how you are and you take it on board..

I definitely do think about it.. And I do analyze myself on a daily basis..

It's I still have issues about myself that I need to deal with, but are those issues the result of not knowing who I am?
Like, someone can say to me I'm a great person, but I instantly shut it down.. I don't believe I am.. And I guess this is where the issue lies..

It's a lot.. But I will get there.

Realizations

Well.

God has touched me. He touched me real good. He dealt with me REAL good.

Because you know what.. as much as I perceive myself as a strong person-- well, I have to be I have no other choice-- I have my weak moments. I have my flaws. I have the times where I just want to bury my head in someone's arms and cry my heart and my soul out.

Yes.

I have these moments. But I have no one to help me embrace these moments. So I have to continuously stand firm and hold myself together.

It's so hard. God, it's so hard.
But what else can I do? I know for sure that I'm a strength for a lot of people.. so to see me in such a broken state.. well.. it wouldn't discourage them but you know how you just look up to someone so much and you kind of gain your strength from that person kind of thing?

Yeah.

Well. I've realized that.. whether I like it or not.. I'll always have flaws. As much as I will have those weak moments, I shouldn't feel as if I'm a weak and helpless person.. it's just what makes us human. We can't ALWAYS be strong.. there will be focal points in our lives where we can break down, but the decision on our part is to get back up.

I'm still learning about myself.. and I really thank God.. because I know he knew EXACTLY what he was doing.

He's really all I have... and I'm thankful.

x

When I think about it...

My life is in the hands of God..

Everything that has happened to me.. and what I've gone through and still going through.. I'm being kept by HIM.
Sometimes when I sit down and reflect.. I go, 'God.. how?' because it's very emotional and very lonely.. but God has me in the palm of his hand.. and I know he's watching over me..

Thank you Lord..
I love you x

A little encouragement/Self improvement goals

On Sunday, there were awards that were given to particular members in my church, and I received one!
An 'Outstanding contribution award' for 'Faithful and diligent service in the GSC Media department'

Because I'm a worker in my church, I'm pretty much there all of the time because the work that needs to be put in and the vision that is over that department is very big! So the work has to definitely be hard and passionate.
But I will be so honest, when I heard my name called I began to shake and was like 'Oh my God' because I was not expecting it at all.
But it humbled me because it means that I am doing something right, and people are seeing my dedication and my love for the church and the vision.
But then it also scared me because it means I have something to maintain, and I hope that I don't begin to lag behind or the dedication begins to waiver or I don't work as hard as I did.

 I will try my best to even work harder than I did last year.

I was encouraged by a fellow sister of mine in church who told me that I did deserve the award and that I'm strong and 'nothing seems to bother me' and I just 'get on with it' which I went 'Really?' But it goes to show that people do see what you do and are quietly encouraged by it.
I was marveled for a little bit but it did encourage me a lot.

Now.
I've been quietly contemplating how I'm going to improve myself this year. I have so many flaws about myself that CAN be changed for the better.. and so that I can grow and excel in life. Because there are things about us that can literally stop your own growth and progress.

So.. for this year I'm--

**Going to work on my self confidence
**Going to work on speaking in front of people (I've improved but I'm going to have to get a lot better)
**Going to work on my emotions
**Going to work on reactions
**Going to work on letting things go (really letting things go and not convincing myself they have gone but they really aren't)
**Going to work on MY MIND, and think more positively.
**Work hard on my prayer life, get it back to where it used to be.

There's others but these are the ones that are at the front of my mind right now.

2015.. I believe will be a good year for me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I feel... so much better.

Happier.

Upbeat.

Ready to tackle the ride of 2015.

2014 was a very horrible year for me for many reasons... but it wasn't all horrible.
Glad I can finally say 2014 is in the past.

I really have a positive outlook on this year..

It's my year to build, as my spiritual father has declared, a year of building myself, building houses.. etc.

So I'm definitely going to work on myself this year.. emotionally, physically and spiritually..

I will try my best.


x