Christmas Eve

It's Christmas eve...

And my mood has been up and down today.
My mind took me back to 2009 again... the year that my mother died... and the fact that year was the first Christmas I spent without my mother. Even that Christmas is a complete blur to me-- it's as if my mind wiped that entire time out of my head because I couldn't cope.

Even so... as much as I want to try and not think about it.. I end up thinking about it!
I always have a conversation with my colleague at work as well because she lost her father not too long ago and one thing I told her is that you can't completely get over something like the loss of a loved one. You learn to live with it, but you don't actually 'get over' it or 'move on from it', which is why we get moments where we feel down because those memories and thoughts have come in the forefront of our minds.. but it's not necessarily always bad memories or sad thoughts-- but it is more of the realization that they are gone.. you get that empty feeling.

But I always see my loss of my mother in a weird way, as an encouragement to others around me-- the fact I'm still standing-- I lost my mother when I was 21... and I'm 27 now.. I've kept my sanity, and myself in a good place with the help of God-- and I've been able to survive by myself.. and yeah..

But overall--- I'm really not feeling the 'Christmas spirit' this year-- Christmas seems to have... crawled upon me this year-- it's like December happened and I blinked and now it's Christmas.

Totally crazy!

But, I'm grateful I'm still here and to celebrate with loved ones and close friends.

Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas x