She hides behind the smiles

The tears that seem to never end stream down her cheeks. Each time a tear streams towards her chin, ready to plop onto her scarf, she flicks it away with her index finger.

There's a mother and a little girl sitting across from where she's sitting. The little girls big brown eyes stare at the amount of tears that are leaving her eyes. Her vision is too blurred to notice. The tears are becoming too much now, that she uses her scarf as a tissue; wiping away the pain.

Her lips begin to quiver while the train alights at the next station. She looks at the mother and the little girl--still looking at her-- as they get off the train.

I didn't do anything wrong

The train is on the move again; she wipes underneath her nose and sniffs. A gentleman with unkempt black hair sits in front of her, with his large skullcandy headphones. She looks away from him as he notices the tears dropping off her face. His eyes every so often glance at her.

Her train stop finally arrives; her head down, she exits the train and wipes the remainder of what she has to leave behind.

She sighs as she walks down  the stairs and to the barriers. She looks up and sees her friend waving.

"You alright?"

"Fine", she says, smiling.

We all lead a different life

So after my immensely crappified day yesterday..

I'm a little more at ease today-- but still feeling a little scattered and fragile.

If you ask me why, I really couldn't tell you.


But today's been a bit better... work wise.. but in my head-wise.. it's a no no.

Every thought that I have managed to put in the nothingness parts of my mind have come to the forefront.

But enough about that.
I was just thinking about how we all have different lives-- and what triggered that is today when a delivery man came to deliver some boxes of stuff, I noticed he had a kenyan bracelet on his wrist.. and he said he went there around December.
Why did he go there? For family?

It's like.. we all come from different places in the world, and we all don't know what it had to take in order for us to get where we're at now...

Ugh.

I won't even bother myself..

I'll make more sense in another blog

x_x

Pain is good

Why do we like to hurt ourselves?

I was walking to work.. and a lady lit up a cigarette in front of me-- and starting her puffing of her cigarette as she was walking-- and then I noticed she had a pack of Orbit chewing gum in her other hand.

Now.

I could be assuming-- but I believe she will chew that gum after she finishes her cigarette-- which means she knows her breath will smell.. so why have such a habit that will cause your breath to smell?
My thought for the rest of my walk to work was.. 'Why do we do these things?'

She's already doing a habit that is harming her on the inside.. she knows she'll smell.. but she's continuing to do it? Why do we like to hurt ourselves?

Why do we like to keep people around that constantly use us? Why do we like to keep people around that aren't necessarily benefiting us, but we allow them to hang around? Why do we allow people to make us feel in a way, but they say that they love us, and they only have our best interests at heart?

Why do we do it?

Do we like to feel pain? Do we like to hurt ourselves, all in the name of love? And love doesn't have to be just the sexual kind-- the kind of love you have between your parents, your friends, anyone.

I was literally asking myself those questions, and then evaluating my own self.

There's so many reasons why we do such things..

The main one being fear. We're afraid to lose people that we've known for so long, because we think that we can never get those kind of people again-- or if we lose those people, we'll wonder, who do we have left?

When it comes to those kinds of habits like the one I mentioned earlier-- it's a comfort thing. We don't want to stop because we know once we do it, we will get that same buzz or high, and for a little while everything is ok.

We're so layered as human beings, and we do so many things to mask how we truly feel.

I'm in those kinds of moods today. And I guess because it's a dreary day as well..

Hm..
x

And the cycle continues

Always at the end of the month.. the same of feeling of 'Why', and 'When?' and 'Is this ever going to end?' and that Unfulfilled feeling, and just down right feeling like a piece of poo.

Every month, without fail.

And it's not like I don't know things will get better, and it won't last forever-- well it's been going on for long enough, and I'm getting a little tired of it, quite frankly!

It's getting irritating, like that little fly that won't go away as much as you shoo it with your hand.

But what else can I do but persevere? There's nothing else. So.. God... I always look to you.. when the end of this comes.. I will be so happy.

Because I'm not content where I'm at.. I'm surviving. That's about it.

But all will be well, I do believe.. but it can get so irritating and tedious when it keeps happening.

Otherwise, I'm blessed. And I can see the signs. I have no doubt God is working it out for me-- but sometimes you sit and ponder and just come up with all sorts of malarky in your mind.

But after the preaching I heard on Sunday.. and what I've accomplished this far... this thing is a miniscule of my life-- but it's something that shouldn't be there at all and should be driven out.

And then I think all sorts of thoughts about myself, and if I'm a good person, and If I'm doing the right thing.. and what will people think of me.. and this and that.. and this and that.

It's ridiculous. I wish my brain had an off switch.. but then.. I think I'd be brain dead. lol.

But not a literal off switch.. just switch off the stupid thoughts!

I did have something meaningful to write.. and then it just turned into a rant.

I'll write about it later..

x

And here's to another Monday.. + Stress

I always want Monday's to zoom by.. I just don't like Mondays. The fact that it's the day after the weekend.. and you have to put in your head that you have to endure another 5 days at work..

Such and such, bladdee-blah.

But they're not all bad-- I've had some great Mondays.. it's just Mondays aren't consistent.. as in, they're not consistent with it being fun... it always drags (on that rare occasion when the day literally ends in the blink of an eye..) and it's a day where I'd really prefer to be in bed.

I protest that we permanently have a three day weekend.. or Monday is included in the weekend.. but then that means kids will also have one less day at school.. and we can't deprive them of their edumacation!

Ok I'm going off on a tangent here.

Yeah.. Monday's suck.

And I was reading in the paper that Stress in women cause them to be infertile. It just shows that stress is much of a silent killer than we realise.. and what is stress anyway? Unnecessary strain on our minds on things we have no control over? or strain on our minds over things we could have changed or prevented?


Ohhh life, and this country...

Anyway!

Onwards to Tuesday!
x

Mucho inspired!

After attending that Creative Writing day on Thursday, I've felt super inspired and I'm even thinking to compile some stories that I've already written into a series.. because a lot of them have the same kind of theme..

The holidays are coming so I'll have some time.. and God willing I'll have my laptop back too.

I sent some pitches to the Guardian as well-- I've written for them before so hopefully I can start writing for them on a regular basis! That would be amazing..

Otherwise everything is well.. and I hope this fire stays.. I miss writing how I used to..

x

Hello? Anyone out there?

So.. I did a little make over to the blog space.

I liked my previous design.. but the blog was a little 'dark'.. so I wanted some colours.

Whaddya think?

And please do not be a stranger, send me comments, I like feedback. :)

I believe this is the last post of the day..

x