"You still have time"

'How old are you?'

''26"

"Oh ok, you still have time to get married then"

What does this mean?

Is there a time limit on when you should be married? Who made the rules up to when you should get married? Is there a designated age where you NEED to be married before you start to look weird to people?

I've been getting this a lot of late, and just had to pose that question out. Like... it's always at the back of my mind but I'm not worrying too much about it--I'm not focused on it too much anymore because to me it's just 'When it happens, it happens..'

But it was just a passing thought..

5 years, today.

I had to have a release.. I posted on my Tumblr in regards to my mother's death.

This month in particular I really don't know why it's hit me so hard-- but I just wrote a little of my heart .. and just expressed how much I miss her and how much I want to make her proud.

Now.

I don't know what else I can do really.. I'm just trying to be a good person and to be successful. But it's so hard when you are by yourself. By yourself meaning no parents, no relatives, no anybody. I DO have parents, spiritual parents, but it's not the same as having a physical parent there with you all of the time. I'm grateful for them, because they have helped me in the most smallest of ways.

Only realising now that I lost my mum at 21, I've had to literally grow up by myself, learn the right things to do.. (again with my spiritual parent's guidance)
You feel a bit different when you overhear people talking about their parents, and that they are going to visit them, or they're planning to buy them things for their birthdays and for Christmas..

And you're just there.. thinking about the mother that you used to have.
And no one can really empathize with you because they all still have their parents. So all you can do is smile and nod, and try your best not to mention the fact that you don't have any parents.

One thing that I always notice is, for people who don't know that I lost my mother, they ask me, (this usually happens at work.)
'So, who do you live with, your mom?'
And then I hesitate to answer, and go 'My mother's dead'
And there's a short pause, and then 'Oh, I'm sorry.'

I just brush it off, and go 'It's ok' Because IT IS ok. Just because the person is dead doesn't mean you need to act differently-- I know it's to pay respect for the person that has died.. but there shouldn't be any awkwardness or anything. But how else are you supposed to respond..
But within this five years I definitely have mothers that God has placed in my life.. I have two. I can call them mothers because they love me like I'm their daughter, and they take care of me as if I am one of their own.

It's still not the same. It's never the same.
But I am always grateful.

If it wasn't for God.. I don't think I'd be here.
Because losing a mother at any age I think it's heartbreaking.. and a big chunk of yourself is lost.

I don't really know how else to describe it.. I'm hanging in there. I just need to get through today and let God take control. Well really, the month just needs to pass..

It's like.. I've lost her again for the second time.. it feels like I'm going through it all gain-- hence the feeling of mourning. It's so strange and I don't think anyone will understand me.. and that's ok.

I was quietly tearing up on the train this morning while I was writing that Tumblr entry.. and looking at a picture of my mother's smiling face-- it was before her health deteriorated.

And oddly enough I have a friend who also lost his mother in this same month, not too long before my mother's death.. and this is a male. I thank God that he has also kept him.
God is amazing you know.. you think you're going through it by yourself, when he is there holding your hand all the way through.

I wonder sometimes will I forget about her? Will I forget what she looks like? Will i forget her voice?

One thing I imagine is standing on a stage, or standing somewhere, cameras on me, thanking my mother for allowing me to be born and to honour her for all she has done for raising me up to be the person I am today.
It will happen.

A better week

I believe.

Feel a little more at ease today.. had a good release with God...

My emotions and my mind are so all over the place at the moment, but I know things can only get better.

I'm always on a positive slate because negativity takes so much out of you.. so much energy.. so much peace.. I don't want that.

As the year is ending.. I'm also reflecting.. this 2015 that is coming needs to be so much different from the past 3 or 4 years.. take risks.. do things I thought I couldn't..

I mean I'm gonna be 27 next year.. what can I say for myself about the achievements I've made?

The time is now...!

Waiting patiently... (painfully..)

So.. remember a couple of weeks ago when I was talking about I sent some pitches to some newspapers?

I'm still waiting.

It's been two weeks.

I'm just hoping and praying one will answer.. there is one that I want to answer... so I'm being patient. There's not much else to do.. I've sent everything... so..


Lord, have your way.

God knows

You know sometimes I sit down and think.. 'Technically, I'm an orphan.'

Yeah.. a 26 year old Orphan. I have no mom, no dad.. so who?

But then obviously God has given me spiritual parents.. They can't always be around, but when they are, they stand in the gap.

I have to thank God for that.. there are particular things that they both do that just make me go 'Thank you Lord for these two people..'

God really takes care of us..

x

Am I an encourager?

Ooh. Double post today.

Gifts.

We all have gifts that have been instilled into us.. they can vary from spiritual gifts, to gifts of speech, writing, singing.. etc.

 Well.. I believe one of them is definitely writing.. but then a lot of the times when people come to speak to me about things, they always 'feel better' or are very 'glad that they talked to me' or feel like they can come and talk to me without the fear of being judged or ridiculed.

Now... Am I an encourager? That is my question. The people that know me could probably answer this question.. the best. lol. But, I always feel good when I've helped someone, or I feel happy that people feel they CAN confide in me and that at least some words that I've said have made some type of impact.

Have you ever thought about the type of gifts you have? And be mindful that the gift you do have is not only for yourself.. it's for the people around you.. and the people you have yet to meet..

x

God searched my heart

He always does something to let me know that he is listening.

As you know.. last week I was very troubled and didn't know why.. so many things were just running through my mind.. random theories, emotions, flashbacks to places that my mind didn't need to take me...
So, Yeah.

I'm a little bit more at ease-- inwardly today-- despite from a weird dream I had the previous day-- well weird, but also confirmed a vibe I had, I know God is with me.

I just need to suck it up. Chill. Relax. Kick back.

I want to live until I'm like 95-- I need to adopt a more relaxing attitude.. my mother died at 54, which is far too young.. I will live past that.. but stress and lack of sleep(I'm actually sleeping fine.. but lack of sleep is definitely an underlying factor to why we get ill..) is definitely not going to aid in that! This is the month my mother died.. I'm silently mourning.. but God is my strength. 5 years and it feels like it only happened last month.

Other than that-- I'm ok. Dealing with the last little itty bits (hopefully) and I hope (I pray) my mind will be at some type of ease.

I was watching X Factor last night and SAM SMITH performed!! I love him.. and now this song is stuck in my head:

Happy Monday x

Revival

Dude.


I'm not a huge Stephen King reader, but I am a follower of his work and this new book 'Revival' looks so good.

I got the Goodreads newsletter and I read his interview.. it looks so good.


I gots me another book to sink my teeth into!

Yay!

The Heart

So last night I felt compelled to search for scriptures in the Bible concerning the heart-- while simultaneously catching up with 'The Leftovers'  (not to mention it was the most disturbing episode to date that I have watched...)

Anyway. This scripture popped out at me :

Proverbs 4:23

'Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.'

I went 'Wow..' what you do.. is a reflection of what is in your heart-- that's the understanding I gained. But the only question that I had is how do you guard your heart? There's a difference between guarding and letting your heart becoming so cold that you don't even care about anything anymore. 

I have a feeling guarding is in line with the control of emotions.. but that scripture spoke to me because the things that I do.. unless i'm upset or angry-- actually even if i am those things, I still do the things I usually do.. but just I'm fuming with fire inside. 

But.. I'll grasp it somehow.. and I think it will actually help me because I wouldn't say my heart is fragile.. but I can get quite emotional and when people say things.. even if they are a jokey.. they still mean something, because despite someone saying 'I'm kidding' there's truth behind every joke..

So I'll once again over think and be like 'Well.. why did you say that then?' Then my heart will sink.. etc.

Yeah.

But.. I believe it's a scripture to just advise that your heart should be pure and to keep it that way it needs to be guarded so that it doesn't fill with hate..

Either way.. it did speak to me one way or another.. constant self improvement.

Then.. I even googled 'scriptures for a trouble heart'

I felt troubled.

And I was led to John 14:1

'Do not let your heart be troubled, You believe in God, also believe in me'

What.

My goodness.

I smiled, looked up and went, 'God'. 

It's only one sentence but it speaks multitudes. It's right smack bang in the face to God.. like 'Well.. you believe in God.. so.. why is your heart troubled? Trust him.'

Sometimes things become overwhelming and you start to take matters into your own hands.. when really that's why God is there.. he wants our burdens, 'Cast your burdens onto me for I care for you' 1 Peter 5:7

My heart is a little more at ease.. but I still have worries lingering around in my mind..

Jeez.. peace must prevail.

x

Unlock

You know.. sometimes it's good to talk..

Especially when your heart becomes so heavy, it feels like there's a weight on your chest. But sometimes, you know... don't you have those thoughts in your mind like 'What are they gonna say if I say this?' or, 'What will they think of me?' or, 'Are they gonna think I'm aiming all of this at them?' because you know when you talk to people.. or even generally.. about half of what they say is mainly their body- so you're talking and you're seeing something shift as they move their body and you're like 'Ohh no..' but maybe that's just me because I've become a lot more observant nowadays..

But.. yeah, because one major thing I notice is when I speak a little of my heart out.. I feel.. like space! If that even makes sense? Like a gap has formed where that weight was filling. But then..,. it gets filled up with more worries.

Jesus. Am I a piece of work or what? I thank God that I'm not stressed out-- or at least I don't think I am? I don't really feel 'stressed' per se-- but more overwhelmed if anything.

I'm the kind of person that will put someone else before myself.. but then I'm also learning that I must think of myself otherwise.. no one will. That's life... everyone thinks of themselves.. I really think there are only a selected few of people in this world that will fully forget about themselves and think of other people and their needs.

But anyway, I guess my general fear of heartfelt talk is that what I am saying will get taken completely the wrong way, rather than letting that person know how I am actually truthfully feeling.

So when someone asks if I'm ok.. my default answer is 'I'm fine'.. but we all know the meaning behind that statement don't we.. and it's not even the statement, it's the tone of the statement that tells you if you actually are or not..

Oh Lord... bit by bit I'll get there..
x

The battle

What is going on...

One minute I'm ok.. then the next minute I'm hurt.. One minute I'm thinking about something positive.. then I hear something.. and the next minute I'm down again..

It's been happening for the past two weeks.. and internally I feel ok (I think) I think there's shards of my heart that have fallen off (figuratively speaking). I'm still trying to comprehend what is wrong.. I know a major part of it is someone that is very close to me upset me to the point of tears.. but it was due to my own thinking and over analyzing (mentioned in the previous post).

I don't want to say I'm a wreck.. but I think I am at the moment! I feel unsettled.. I feel sad, I feel like I'm all over the place-- but I think it's because of the fact I've started this new role at work and this week has been quite hectic and I haven't had the 'me' time that I need... and on top of that this weekend is busy for me.. and then the next week is going to be the same..

Also... this month (on the 24th to be exact) would be 5 years since my mother's death.. and I think that is another contributing factor.. even though I STILL don't understand why NOW I'm mourning. But I think it's because the past couple of years I pushed it to the back of my mind and decided to kind of ignore it... but I should know myself by now.. anything I push to the back of my mind will get pushed to the forefront at some point and kick me right in the butt.

..which is what has happened.

I've already acknowledged that my mind is something else.. so I really need to try hard to work on it, and also with God's help. But one thing I just realised,.,. what would help is if I communicate more. But I was having a think on the way to work.. and to me.. the people that I communicate with the most.. I feel or I think don't really like to communicate.. and the more I want to talk.. the more I think they are getting fed up and think I'm just being an over emotional person.

A lot of the time I really don't think people understand me.. which is why I keep myself to myself. I feel like people think I'm too emotional or too sensitive when all I really want is someone to understand me and know when I say a certain thing.. I mean something else.

I concluded that I am a bit complicated too.. lol as a person because I will always say one thing and mean another.. like I will say 'no' but I mean 'yes', or I'll say 'go away' when I really I want you to stay..

*sigh* Yeah... there's a battle going on within myself at the moment.. a battle of emotions... thoughts..

I need your help God...

The biggest demon in my life

Is my mind.

I was speaking to one of my little sisters yesterday, and that was a statement that came out of my mouth. Now I'm sitting back, thinking about it..

I overthink. I overanalyse. I over criticize (myself), I dwell.. there's so many things that float in my mind everyday... and I don't stop thinking.. it can be bad stuff.. good stuff, old stuff, new stuff.. it will stay in my mind..

And the fact that I bottle things up.. --something that I am working on-- doesn't help.

My mind I believe is my biggest standing block and only God can help me to work on that..


Hm. Life!

EDIT; But on a more positive note.. I sent out 4 pitches last week.. and I'm anticipating responses.
Eeee!