Gratitude

So.. As of this week, I have started a gratitude journal.. An electronic one..
When I get my hands on some new stationery (yay!) I will also have a physical one..

As a writer, I want to always have those things I am grateful and thankful for in the forefront of my mind.. So when I get to a place I won't ever forget where I came from.. Even though even now I don't forget where I came from..

And I believe it will also help me to realize I am more privileged than I actually think..

So. More writing and reflecting.
And also my birthday is this Saturday!

Relevance

Isn't this the most coolest story ever?


I SO want to write for them.. I love the diversity, the open mindedness, and just the general feel of the magazine and their topics and what they are about.

Love it.

Well.

I feel a little better today-- whoever prayed for me God bless them.


I feel ok within.. but I'm still thinking about heaps of things and anticipating tomorrow..



But.

All is well :)

Oh Friday! *swoons*

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!


Finally.


lol.



This has been a long week... and I've been battling with my own mind.

I just needed the weekend to come... and I really hope this weekend goes SLOW.


:)

Instability

I'm really trying to hold onto that peaceful feeling I had a couple of weeks ago.

I've also come to the clear enough realization that happiness/joy/peace/love-- all of those feelings and/or emotions are all a CHOICE.

I was reading through these notes I took at a '7 feelings seminar' that was held by my spiritual father, Pastor Danso and the 7 feelings were:

Fear
Pain
Anger
Sexual
Sensational
Happiness
Love

and one thing that struck out at me for 'Love' was

 'You don’t have to love just because you know the person, you love because you make the DECISION to'

'It is a choice… ‘Remember YOUR first love’

The fact of the matter is that every feeling that is listed there, (as well as all the other ones we feel) it is a DECISION to feel them. It's a choice.

That seminar was 3 years ago, and I just decided to re-read it yesterday. So I DECIDED to feel peaceful.

And it's not that I don't want to be peaceful, it's just my brain always works overdrive and little minute stupid things decide to invade my mindspace and cause me to overthink.

So basically. I'm doing myself.

Great.

But on a positive note, it's not as much as before. One mistake I found myself doing is not thinking before I actually say something, and it's the case of thinking AFTER the damage has been done. And it would be the case that I repeat this mistake, even though I am consciously making an effort.. but you know that mouth vomit thing, in mean girls (the movie!) when you just blurt stuff out.. yeah.

So I've managed to correct that.. 

But... yeah!

That darkness tried to come two days ago but I cancelled it out. I don't need it. And frankly, I put myself in that place. 

A lot of the time I feel to isolate myself and be alone, because the way I am, the way my moods switch, I will never be understood--  you'll think I'm upset, but I just want to be quiet-- or you'll think I'm irritated at you.. when I'm really irritated at myself..

But.. once I know that I may not be understood well, I need to try my best to at least be understood a little.. but *shrug*

We'll see.

Friday.. I need you...

Internal lessons

Well.

I've learned a lot about myself in the past two weeks.

When you start to become more aware of your actions, and the things you say-- you start to spot the mistakes you make and how much you actually take to heart, rather than just letting it fly over your head.

There were some things I already knew, and there were some things that I found incredibly surprising.. or more like I was in denial about it and thought it would just go away.. clearly! I was wrong.

But I thank God, because I already self evaluate myself, but this time was different-- I was in a very dark place, and I just wanted to be alone.. I was SUPER critical of myself, and I was crying almost every night, and a million thoughts were running through my mind-- I thought everyone was distancing themselves from me, didn't want to talk to me (which was actually true.. because when I get in that kind of place, no one feels like they want to come close to me) or they were planning to just abandon me..

Yeah. It was alot.

But then I came out of it in a blink of an eye on Friday.. and I'm alright again. But it was kind of like I was thrown in an unknown area trying to fend for myself-- and I know with me specifically, my mind is a very powerful thing.. it can cause me to go through unnecessary misery just because I was thinking about something.
I just need to know how to control it, I need guidance and advice.. and I thank God I have a spiritual father to gain advice from.. so that's something I have to look into.

But other than that.. I'm thinking about a multitude of things but they're not bad-- they're more of things I want to do for people and I'm hoping I can..

So we'll see.

x

Worship is a universal language

This is so beautiful...

Hayfever attack!!

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Both of my eyes were swollen this morning..

Lovely.


It looked like I had been crying the whole night, in which I hadn't.

But the way it's warm and humid today.. I'm afraid for my eyes... and I have no eye drops. I don't like taking medication either..

On the other hand.. it's a new week and God is gracious.

:)

Feeling appreciative

I wrote a note on Facebook this morning about appreciation... and not waiting until things get bad, or worse, someone dies before you appreciate who they are in your life.

Why do we do that? Why does someone have to die before we recognize how great and how amazing they were?
I know as human beings we become so familiar with each other and we think that there's so much time-- but in actuality there isn't as much time as we think... time is always ticking, it's always moving, it never stops, so as much time as we have we should appreciate the ones that are around us.

Even the ones that necessarily didn't add great value, but they came into our lives for a lesson, and that later benefited us in the long run, anyway.

We're not invincible.. I always get a wake up call to how precious and fragile our lives are.. so even me, I'm learning to appreciate all the people in my life, everyday--  not just when they've done something.

But it's not like I don't appreciate them at all, I just forget to acknowledge how much they have actually done, and that they have never left, but remained with me.

And that.. that's is more than enough to appreciate someone.

Bettering yourself

My half term was a little awkward.. I had to work one day in the week, but then there was a bank holiday.. so say wha?

But yeah, a lot of self evaluation and reflection.. you know, it's always good to WANT to better yourself as a human being because it helps you to grow, and helps you to gain a better understanding of yourself as well as the people around you...

And may I reiterate I STILL HAVE NO LAPTOP.

I'm just itching for my laptop back.. I miss my leisure at home just relaxing on my laptop.. *sigh*

But why the half term was strange is because this time around I didn't have much time for myself.. I was in church for most of the week-- not a bad thing at all-- it's just I'm making more of a sacrifice..

Well... Anywho, glory to God.

Can't wait for work to be over.. 3 hours!

-_-