5 days until the new year

Sitting at this train station waiting for this delayed train.. I'm just thinking about all that I could have done differently or not at all this year.. Not necessarily regret, but just.. To improve.

Already made a mental note of what I need to work on.. And I just pray God to help me..

I really need his help..

The Day before Christmas..

It's not night... so it's day. lol.

My heart, my mind, my soul has been in such a muddle. It's my own thought.. it's my own decision.. but I know why.
This Christmas season.. I'm not particularly as happy as I would be.. I'm not really even feeling Christmas this year. I really feel like bursting into a sea of tears for multiple reasons. If I had my own way.. I would actually spend Christmas by myself.

I don't think I've been the best daughter/sister/friend this year that I could have been.. and I really think I'm tearing myself into pieces because of how I feel. There's not much that can be done.. the year has passed.. but I've just been reflecting on myself and how I've been this year..
I've been so selfish.. so stupid.. so vulnerable.. so irrational.. so.. any other synonym for just plain stupid.. that would be me.

Why? I really don't know? Because I act straight from my emotions?

What I want to do for 2014 is really work on myself again... and get my spirit and my mind straight and re establish that closeness with God that I used to have. I really want to withhold my mouth.. I don't want to talk too much.. but rather talk when needed and talk with sense.
I pray God will help me here and help me especially with my mind.

My mind and my thoughts have been the main culprit to why I've acted so stupidly throughout the year. And it's our thought that God judges us through rather than what we do--- Something my dad Pastor Danso always says.. so I don't want my thoughts to take me to hell.. not at all.
I don't have bad motives... but sometimes my thoughts are not good.

One thing I do a lot.. is I don't fully say how I feel.. and I'm going to work on that in 2014.. communicate more and communicate truthfully.. if something is really bothering me.. I'll say it. If I see something that I don't like.. I'll say it. but I pray God will help me be WISE when doing this.
Because a man that talks too much makes mistakes..

But yeah... as my eyes have been leaking with tears as I write this blog.. I just hope God can mould me more.. and that I don't chase away the little people that I have around me.

Creative moments

I'm in a deep reflective space at the moment.. And i've just been writing things here and there..

Sometimes it's good to have an outlet... I'm in the perfect state to write something..

Gonna use it to my advantage..

Natural Magic

So... As I stand on this packed train... Aka part 2 of my journey to work... I must marvel at the fact that just yesterday I was on the verge of becoming sick as a dog..

You know when you can feel if you don't do something you're just gonna be flat out ill.. Bed ridden. The whole shebang.. Yeah.

Me specifically when I feel like I'm gonna be ill I know it's due to lack of rest..
So what did I do?

When I got home.. I did all the stuff I needed to do to unwind.. And then to tackle my scratchy throat.. (that's always the first symptom) I made tea with honey.
BLACK tea at that... No milk, no sugar. And just added honey.

As soon as I finished the drink... I felt so much better and went to sleep.
When I woke up.. My nose was filled... Blew my nose.. And my throat was no longer scratchy.
For me.. When I'm blowing my nose a lot it means whatever I did worked... It's good to know yourself and how you tick!

But anyway-- black tea and honey. Did the trick.
All these lemsips and beechams and things I refuse to drink.. You have to drink about 5 before you feel anything.
Gonna have another cup when I get to work!

It's getting so cold...

And on that note...
Until next time :)

Beloved Friday

This week went SUPER SLOW for me!

It really felt as if yesterday was Friday.. I probably was just getting ahead of myself because I really want next week to just come and go and then I'll be on holidays.

Ohhhh Lord  Jesus.. I've been doing a lot of thinking... and there's just somethings that you don't have the power to do.. you can't control anyone.. neither can you stop anyone from doing anything.. all you can do is advise and hopefully they take the advice they think is good.

But sometimes in life you encounter people that will be around you... that just need to learn things on their own..

It's painful to watch someone do something silly... but if you've advised them I guess you've done your part..

People like to learn the hard way I guess?

Either way.. one week left.. the countdown continues!

x

Chilly morning

Lord in heaven it is cold! It's that abusive wind chill cold..

I woke up with a heart full of irritation.

After a brisk walk to the bus stop this morning and some encouraging notes and words I feel a lot better... the situations we are in are tests for strength.. not to weaken us but to build us up for what life has to throw at us.

One thing we need to do on a daily basis is constantly look at everything that happens to us positively.. it may look bad, but 'All things work together for good for all those who love God.' (Romans 8:28)

I was saying to myself last night I'm so fed up.. with everything.. and why this and why that.. and when we get like that.. you don't know your prayer answer/testimony/miracle is around the corner..

And so... regardless of what is dashed at our head pieces..

We will overcome.. we are all stronger than we actually believe.



x

Super slow week

How is tomorrow only Thursday?

Shouldn't it be Friday? I guess I'm just going way ahead of myself.. but I really think this week is going by super slow.. and I'm so tired!

It's the penultimate week before we break up for holidays and I really wish it was this week..
I'm so ready to just have a good ol lie in.

It's getting to that time where it's getting harder and harder to gather energy to get out of bed.. but programming in my mind that I still have a week and a bit of work.. I just have to get up.

I've been in a weird state today.. not happy, not sad, not angry, not upset.. just dormant.. and in deep thought.

You know where you get to a stage where you're like 'This isn't all life has to offer, is it?'
Life is not about routine, repetition and the like.. it's about learning and adventure...

But anyway.. at least tomorrow is a day closer to Friday...

Optimism!

x

Don't think about it too much..

Life is too funny..

Just sitting in bed right now... Listening to my magic fm..and kind of just reflecting and wondering what the future holds.

Obviously it's never good to think about anything too much... But sometimes you really just have to sit down and marvel about your own life and what you've personally had to endure and encounter by yourself..

Hmph.. It's all amazing.. I feel I should stop there before I start to not make sense due to tiredness..

x

I bid you goodnight

It's been one of those days that cause you to reflect so deeply...
Just about everything in life...

*sigh* Only God will understand...

But I got encouraged... Check out the pic!
God is using me :)

Quick one

Got my phone back baby! Looking and feeling like new!

On my way to work and just wanted to share this picture...
Believe!

x

A new week begins..

Got my hurr did... feeling good...

Just have to look a little better.. and I'm good!

Anyway...

I'm just excited because I get my phone back... after an excruciating week.. of struggling to use a loan phone.. I finally get my phoneeee!

I believe that's the only highlight of my week besides Fridays.

Need to up my pace with the writing.. but holiday time is soon approaching.. so i will definitely get on that.

So yay!

New week
x

Friday, Friday

Ohhh Finally...

I'm not as excited because I can't express my excitement on Facebook because of lack of phone!

So I went back to the repair shop.. my phone screen is all done and my phone is looking and feeling so fresh!
....and I couldn't take it because I don't have the monies!!

So I have to excruciatingly wait until Monday.. *cries*

But anyway, the loan phone is a complete nightmare.. the charger slot broke, which is why it wasn't charging.. but it wasn't charging that much in the first place so it might have already been broken.. But now it looks like I broke it.. but the guy seemed a little passive, and replied 'Please don't break it any further..' But I didn't break it?

So I was given a battery charger.. which is also a little useless.. because I charged the battery for a good 2-3 hours yesterday and it had only charged 15%!

But let me stop complaining.. the guy has been really nice and helpful to even bother with anything.. so I really appreciate him for that.
The battery is currently on charge.. and I'm hoping 8 hours will suffice.. and the battery will be full.

I've realised I really need to sort my head out.. my head is full of junk and unnecessary imaginary things that aren't even.. relevant!
Lord... I have issues.

But don't we all..

x_x

But thankful I've made it through another week..

Oh, the small things..

So... I'm on this downward spiral of internal meltdown because it seems as if nothing is going right for me.. but everything is ok for me?
It may not make sense to you.. but you're not in my shoes.. so... *boop* Sorry if it makes no sense..

Well anyway, the loan phone I got until I get my Sony back has now given up on life.. and has refused to accept any cable of charging ability.

So... back at square one: No phone.

I'm going back to the place today to see if anything can be done... or even (not possible though) I could get my phone back and I'll pay on Monday-- the guy told me that it would take 2 days for it to get fixed and I gave it in on Monday.. and it's Thursday..

But money talks.. so I have to wait until money drops on Monday.

Getting my hair done on Saturday.. I guess that'll be a pick me up.. sorta.

Still blogging from work.. Been in a very contemplative mood.. probably being a bit selfish too.. I've been in my own mind working out solutions to problems.

But funnily enough this morning when I was on my way to work.. I was so down it was unbelievable; and this old lady sits next to me on the train and we just strike up a conversation.. and when I'm about to get off.. she gives me two Maoam Sweets and goes 'Suck on those love, it'll get you through the day-- they're amazing'

lol. Made me giggle a bit.. and it did lift up my spirits a little

Didn't eat the sweets though.

lol..
x

There's always light at the end of the tunnel...

Hurrah!

So... I had a good scrummage around my area to find a price on fixing my phone screen...

*drum roll*

£160

Now. I was actually expecting it to be that price anyway, as long as it wasn't over or above £200 (but even that I wouldn't have paid anyway..) Even the  guy told me that he had fixed a screen like mine and it was £150.. I'm really praying that he will be really nice and fix the back of my phone as well.. because it's cracked... lol. But oh well, the priority is the screen.. so as long as that gets fixed.

So now my phone is in the capable hands of the gentleman who is going to fix it.. and he was nice enough to give me a loan phone-- an HTC... which is android, so it's not alien to me.

I'm collecting my phone on Monday evening... So I have a week without my beloved Sony Xperia... that phone I have had no issues with it.. if the screen didn't crack I'd be merrily along my way.

But anyway... if you've been reading my past blogs... there was a stage where I was 'picking scabs'
Yeah well... one scab has formed and healed, and now another small wound has appeared, scab slowly forming again.

I don't know why I keep hurting myself like this... and it's becoming a cycle. I really don't know... I guess when you care about people so much you'd do anything to make them happy, or at least feel ok, right?

But anyway.

On a brighter note.. I have a lot of stuff in store for myself this next year coming... there's one big thing I want to achieve and I will try my hardest to do it. By all means.

Anywho... I'm at work blogging again..

So till next time!
x

After a little joy, there's pain

So.. as I found the beauty of blogging on the go..

I crack my phone screen, and now I can't unlock my phone, make phone calls, answer phone calls.. all I can do is stare at it ringing, or receiving texts.. etc.

Lovely. And on top of that the phone isn't insured. Yay!

So I have no means of contact.. I don't have internet at home.. I was using my phone as a hotspot! *cries*

So I'm blogging at work right now.. seeing as I won't be able to meet the net when I go home!!

I'll be running around like a headless chicken in the next 20 or so minutes trying to find the best place to fix my screen... because besides the screen the phone is fully functional.. it vibrates.. it makes noises.. and thankfully my alarm still can go off.. I just can't stop it. x_x


Oh  the Joys of a Monday.

x

Crisp Sunday

I now have found the beauty of blogging on the go... So now typing from my Sony Xperia Z on this train to church...

I'm in a really contemplative state in regards to my life and the impact I have on the people around me. Because my spiritual father has said once a time along the lines of 'You create your environment, if you don't have an impact, it'll.definitely have an impact on you'
Meaning! If you haven't made a positive impact on the people around you... They surely will--which is why you should have positive, uplifting people around you.. That can lift you up when you are down!
Being your brothers keeper..
When they are weak, you lift them up and vice versa.

So what kind of person am I in this equation? What kind of person are you in your position?

Life... You're always learning, eh?

Happy Sunday
x

Thought Transition

Had a deep thought so hard I woke up with a headache this morning.

No lie.

But.. I know all of us wonder what we're meant to be doing. As in, our purpose. No one out there just believes that they are alive to just work, or smoke, or drink or have sex? If you believe that is what life is all about.. you are truly missing out on the gift of life.

Do you know why it's called a gift? A gift is something someone gives to someone right? Well it was given to you.. not everyone made it into this world alive. Even if they did, there are even some people you know that aren't even alive today. Life is precious.

But let me not go off on a serious tangent, I was just thinking about what I need to do.. what I find fulfilling.. What plan God has for me.. and what I am doing to make it come a reality.

You know, God doesn't lie. He doesn't leave us.. we leave him. God is not a person to impose himself on you.. he is gentle. That's why we can make our own decisions. Unless you invite God into your life, your heart, your situation-- he hasn't left you, he's overseeing you and watching you.

God knows your heart-- you may not be doing things that are right, but regardless he loves you.

Yeah.
So. Purpose. Don't you ever just sit down and wonder 'What am I meant to be doing?' Don't you ever get that feeling that there is MORE you should be doing with yourself? Or there's something nudging at you inside where you feel there's something else you should be doing.. rather than just wasting time?

If you feel any of those things... run with them. Pray. Chase that feeling, investigate it.. because it's more than likely linked to where you're meant to be heading.

We all want to be dream chasers... and we think it's impossible. It becomes possible when you get up and start moving.

Til next time... Purpose must be fulfilled. We are here to make a difference.. and leave a legacy.

x

Time for a revival..

Well, as you guys can tell...

I've slowly but surely gone back to what I used to do.. and NOT UPDATE!!

There's a lot of things I want to mention, like why do the ones closest to you hurt you the most? Why is it so hard to change out of old ways? Why is it when you do change, people can't seem to get accustomed to it?

Yeah, pretty much just a string of unanswerable 'why' questions. But that's the thing about life.. it's not knowing about everything.. it's about experiencing life and learning...
But you know sometimes when things aren't going the way you want it to.. you want to know what's going to happen just so you have that wee bit of comfort because you know everything isn't going to get burnt in the fire...

On a different note... IT'S GONNA SNOW!
As much as I'm not prepared or wanting to experience bitter, toe numbing cold.. snow is always pretty.

Hehe.

Till next time..
x

Oh man...

I seem to go through a vicious cycle at the end of every month and I find it so irritating..

But when circumstances arrive... I need to tend to them.. and just *sigh*


When the new year reaches... I need to turn over a new leaf. This is just... the most irritating situation I've ever been in.

But God knows... so... yeah.

So much for stability..

So.

I know I haven't posted in a while.
It's been a crazy couple of weeks. My life right now is.. it could literally be written as a book.. this particular time in my life.

Now.. I know God works with times and seasons.. but now I've stopped asking God why.. and now I'm wondering what God wants me to learn, or what he wants me to gain from what I'm experiencing at this point in time..

God isn't wicked... he does what he does because he knows us.. and he knows what we can handle.. and he knows what we will become.

But the time that it takes.. that's the test for us.

Growth and reflections

Hmmm... I have just said to myself I am not going to sleep until I finish all of the writing I need to do... so just gonna get this blog out of the way.

It's so painful to lose people that you love so much-- I don't mean as in death, but sometimes do you see after a while there are particular people that are in your life that start to fade away... or just plain disappear-- when I find they just leave like that.. it's of God. Maybe that person that was there-- their time is done in my life.. and we move on.

Have you ever thought about that?

That everyone in your life, or some of the people in your life are only there for a time? When you monitor the type of people around you.. you want to keep the people that are positive and you see the presence makes you feel good.

...just random thoughts....

Quiet day..

Reflective... on a lot of things... good and bad.

Hmm.... I think I need another one.

I just want a holiday..

Like... a proper holiday... away from here.

I just need some... unwinding time... because of where I currently am at this moment in time.. everything is literally just up in the air and I really don't know what's going to happen next.. so it's literally all in God's care. I don't know what to do.. where to go... I'm just doing the work that God has given me to do... and being in his house 24/7 as usual.

I wouldn't say I'm lost... but I really need to think hard and plan about my life. Like.. today I was having a conversation about marriage-- because I seem to have this consistent problem that dudes my age don't seem interested in me, or they literally get chased off because of my maturity level, and in return causes them to not be able to handle me.

So I came to the conclusion that there is 'no one out there' for me, (which is a complete lie.. it was something I was doing to get a reaction) but I honestly haven't thought about it.. but I don't think I'd be able to be with someone my age.. which is ok because I always had a thought that I'd like to be with someone a little older than me.. but by maybe 2 or 3 years.. not 5 or 10... but according to the person I was having the conversation with it may be that!

But... I really don't know. I just need some stability... and I need to know where my life is going.. because right now it's an actual mess and I need to clear the debris.

3am

So.. it's one of those moments where I can't sleep.. so I'm up thinking and writing...

There's a lot that has happened with me in the past couple of months that need to be documented in stories.. but for some reason I'm finding it difficult to put it down.. I don't know if it's because I don't want it to be too literal.. meaning I don't want it to directly be written like how it happened... but rather aspects of it being in the story and it being embellished and to match the characters themselves..

Because what I like to do with stories is obviously base the main inciting incident on what's happened with me.. but obviously exaggerate it a bit.. and go from there.. my stories are based on real events in my own life or i've witnessed.. I believe it's more interesting then writing a completely fictional story.. but on the other fictional stories are for the people who like to escape... so both have a purpose.

But yeah... not sleepy.. thinking and drafting...

x

Pollen Attack

Hayfever can be a real.... Yeah!

But today has been a day of such deep thought and evaluation of myself..
I feel that I'm starting to become passive... and I don't really want to go back there...

I just need to.. sort me out.

I will... eventually.


My eyes are actually stinging..

G'night!

Going back..

So.. I gots my new phone...!

And within a week the back of my phone is already cracked.. x_x

It didn't fall from a death defying height... it gently slipped off my lap and onto the CONCRETE ground.
It's not too bad and it's not the front of the phone so... yeah.

ANYWAY.

I miss reading. I miss writing (stories).. so what I've done is.. I've purchased myself 2 books.. and I'm gonna start reading again-- I haven't read anything fictional for a very long time.. and I need and want to get myself back in the loop.. I miss my writing being an outlet for my pain and emotions.. it still is.. but not to the extent it used to be.

But the two books I've ordered were 'The Hour I First Believed' by Wally Lamb (Who also wrote, She's come undone which I've read 3 times and is one of my favourite books) and 'On the Island' by Tracey Garvis-Graves
So I'll lose myself a little in those two books.

Update with my videos... I WILL start very soon.. I just need to sort out my phone (because I also managed to chip a little of my front screen camera-- I fell down on the way to work one day and went WHAM on the floor.. with my phone..)
But it's not too bad.. I may just need someone to film me doing it...

But I have to do them.. I always feel like I have something to say.. and that means something for me.

But yeah... trying to turn my 2013 around a little bit.. I've been a little deviated and distracted.. I need to get back on course.

Lord help me..

Upgrade

I'm getting a new phone!!


SONY XPERIA Z!!

I'm gonna join the touch screen nation..

Wish me luck oh!

x

Not again..

Noooo...

It's once again been a while since I blogged!

But yeah... I'm at a place.. where it's either I get up or I stay sitting down..
I have so much stuff going on in my mind.. but I'm not executing it!!

Like... first I had that idea about the book.. Now I kind of want to revamp my youtube channel and do weekly or daily videos.. and I'm going to have assistance and everything..

I JUST NEED TO DO IT DANG IT!

But yeah.. besides that.. half term is coming up soon.. so I can probably start that stuff..

My life is something.. everything is just going topsy turvy.. but strangely in a good way?

Only God knows..

x

During the holidays..

So I'm in the last week of my Easter Holidays... and it's been such a reflective time.. and just thoughtful time.. I don't even know where to begin.

I'm really, really, really trying not to worry about things... but when you see an incredibly low amount as your bank balance, and you still have however so weeks until you get paid again.. you begin to wonder. But to flip it, at least I have a job, where I can look forward TO getting paid.. rather than completely wondering where another lump sum of money will come..

So I'm grateful to God for that..

I'm really trying to adopt this whole 'not worrying' thing... because really, why DO we actually worry? Is it because we have nothing to do with our minds when we're not actually busy with all the one million things we have to do during the day? Is it because we don't believe we will get any help from anywhere else so we want to put it in our own hands, and we don't even know what to do??

Worrying just adds stress.. and stress manifests into so many different sicknesses and diseases that have no portion in our lives!

Lord in heaven... I feel like I'm being grinded and pounded into pieces---theoretically/figuratively speaking.

I'm growing up! lol :)

Easter and all that Jazz...

It's been a longggg couple of weeks, or month or what should I even say..

I haven't updated for a long while.. it's been a time of reflection, re evaluation, everything.. all I'm thankful for is the upcoming Easter holiday.. I've mentally been so drained.. and wondering what's going to happen in the next couple of months.. wondering what God's gonna do in the next couple of months... there's so much I'm anticipating.. and so much I'm expecting to happen...

But.. it's late. I'm tired... and I'm thankful to God.


x

Be bold

So.

I think I've decided I want to do this.

I've just started a new writing project.. or more loosely, a novel.. MAYBE.. I'm still undecided of the length.
The story is provisionally entitled 'Triangle' and it's about a whole lot of emotional, cultural and self issues.

It's loosely based on myself.. I'm not going to give a lot away because the project is still in the working stages. I had the biggest fear of writing this.. but the way it's stayed in my mind, and the way I keep on feeling to write this-- it needs to be written.

Maybe it's not for me.. maybe it's for someone else who needs to read this and not feel guilty, maybe it's for someone who has held a secret for so long and feared to say anything for fear they will be judged.. I don't know.. but I'm going to stop being a coward and write it...

..and God will do the rest.

This may be the outlet I need to release my own self..

Who knows.

I will reveal more as time goes on..

And so...

The thoughts and the feelings and the emotions decided to flood up my vision sight.

Have you ever thought why you are friends with certain people? Or how you became friends with certain people? I know it sounds like such an idiotic thing to question or think about.. but I think about those things!

Do you remember how you even met your best friend, or the people that you call friends? I really believe that how everything happens is somehow intertwined...


But yeah, I was asking myself so many questions and thinking why the people I'm friends with are my friends and why they want to be my friends and what we have in common and a million other things floating around in the black hole I call my mind.


But then I came to the realisation that there are actually some friends that you have nothing in common with, but they're just meant to be there for a specific purpose, and then obviously the ones that you do share a common ground with are there for that, and to bounce ideas off each other and encourage etc..


But yeah!

Just random.


lol.

(and yes I do realise I haven't posted for a while.... Gonna come back to my nightly blogs :))

For everyday we are fighting a battle..

...so don't judge anyone!

You know as human beings we tend to judge as soon as we see someone.. but why not look deeper into the picture? Do you know why the person is acting the way they are? Do you even know what they are going through?

A lot of the time because we don't know people's lives and we don't know what they are going through.. we instantly judge and label.. and if we do eventually get the opportunity to become aware of someone's situation.. we then sit back and go 'Ohh... so that's why they were acting like that..'

But does it have to be until then? Because sometimes we may not even get the golden opportunity...
Instead of judging... why don't we try and understand?

We're in this world to help and make a difference.. not to destroy and criticize...

Faithful..

When I think there's no other way...

God makes a way.

I always panic in certain situations because I wonder what in the world am I gonna do.. but then God shows up... he likes showing up when there's no alternative..

All part of his greatness..

x

19/1/2013

I had a dream that I saw someone I knew from long long long time ago coming to my church.. with her sister.
I remember seeing them and them waving at me.

*shrug* Lets see what happens.

Special people

Ok.. so tomorrow turned to Saturday.

Well... you know when you have those special people in your life that you will do anything for them to stay?
Is that a bad thing if you want to do that?
Because you can see that since they've been there.. things have changed positively.. things seemed to have gotten a little better.. and are steadily improving.. why would you want them to leave?

I don't get people like that everyday.. so when I do.. I grasp on for dear life.

If they hurt me.. I forgive instantly because I know it wasn't intentional..
Even if it was.. it must of been because of me or something I've done for them to do it..

Either way.. I keep people who are special to me around for the fact that you don't allow people who are beneficial to your life!

Keep them around... and support them..

#justathought

The cold is EVEL

Yes... evil has now been promoted to EVEL.

It's horrible how cold it's been recently!

This is our December.. in January.


I have nothing creative or thoughtful to mention tonight.. so exhausted. Bed is certainly needed.

...tomorrow!

Before I hit the hay...

...It hurts so much to care about someone.

But that's life...

Knowing where you stand..

So.

After the acceptance.. I now have realised where I stand... with people.
You know when you have friendships and relationships with people and there is a certain position that we all have with them?
Like.. there is one person that is always there..
Another person is the 'distress call' person
Another person is 'I need you at 3 am"

And so on and so forth.. you get the point!

I finally know where I stand with some people in my life, and it's made me so peaceful.. when you don't know where you stand.. you start to question yourself and your reason for why you are in some people's lives in the first place!

But... I am officially the 'Person who is always there' position.
*shrug*

But... I know where I am.. I know what I need to do.. and.. yeah I just know.

So I can relax about a lot of things now.

Thankful for that...

Acceptance..

Before I even begin..

...I picked the scab a lil bit! *shakes head*
But it was nothing fatal..  just a little corner of it. I'm almost healED.

Besides that.. in certain situations it takes a lot of acceptance to just move on. We seem to live in denial about things or try to ignore certain things in situations, but once we've accepted this can't work.. or the time on something has ran out.. the easier it is to move on.

Sometimes I guess staying in denial for a while is sometimes better?

Who knows.

But I've sat down in my quiet time and just accepted the cold hard truth about so many things... and now I'm working my way to getting back to normal and to continuing my plan for 2013.

Ugh. It's so hard...

But it's part of growth and it's a part of life.

Accept things and continue... nothing new under this sun.
x

What can you do..

Still sorting myself out.. the scab is definitely formed... just trying not to pick it.

It's just.. when you've released so much to somebody for it to just be... left. It's so so painful.

But it was a huge learning experience for me in the long run. Learned things about myself that I wouldn't have learned unless I went through it.

More reason of why I need to work on myself.

...besides that internal scab...

There's points during the day where I actually have the swallow the sensation of wanting to cry.. yeah it gets that bad!
But there's things I need to accept and move on with. I'm still hanging onto something that will never happen..

So.
*shrug*

Well besides that, (I did that before.. I know) things are looking hopeful for the year in regards to everything else. I just need to put in the work and dedication and everything should work out.. as well as God's backing.

...even sometimes I find that I've taken myself back there. Seriously.. we can torture ourselves with our own minds. *shakes head.*

Ok. I'm done.

Yesterday's dead and gone

It's madness how so much can happen in one day.

I think I'm finally done.

Healed. Scabbed up.

Only time will tell.

Renewed life..

Do you ever wonder what it would be like without me?

Would your life be better? Quieter? Would you be happier?

All of the things you said.. I do remember.. but actions speak louder... you've even said yourself.

I can't help but think what was wrong with me that you didn't want to stay..

I treated you like a king..
I loved you more than I loved myself..

..for what? Just to be hurt.
But the love I have for you.. covered it up.

Sometimes I sit in silence and travel back to the times of our euphoria..
that shortly had to come to an end...

I question myself everyday...
But all of the stuff you say...

I believe you.

But it's time to move on..
and get over the hurt and the pain...
It's really my choice to either keep it or lose it..

I know you wouldn't lie to me... and if you did.. it means the relationship that we have... has shrivelled up.. has become different than to what it began..

I just want you here...

Everything else is a distant memory.. dust of the past..
Struggling to forget..

But I know we have a special bond..

...tell me how you feel...

New year, 2013

Heavy eyelids as I type this..

I thank God for another year... and may he take control...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!