Waiting patiently... (painfully..)

So.. remember a couple of weeks ago when I was talking about I sent some pitches to some newspapers?

I'm still waiting.

It's been two weeks.

I'm just hoping and praying one will answer.. there is one that I want to answer... so I'm being patient. There's not much else to do.. I've sent everything... so..


Lord, have your way.

God knows

You know sometimes I sit down and think.. 'Technically, I'm an orphan.'

Yeah.. a 26 year old Orphan. I have no mom, no dad.. so who?

But then obviously God has given me spiritual parents.. They can't always be around, but when they are, they stand in the gap.

I have to thank God for that.. there are particular things that they both do that just make me go 'Thank you Lord for these two people..'

God really takes care of us..

x

Am I an encourager?

Ooh. Double post today.

Gifts.

We all have gifts that have been instilled into us.. they can vary from spiritual gifts, to gifts of speech, writing, singing.. etc.

 Well.. I believe one of them is definitely writing.. but then a lot of the times when people come to speak to me about things, they always 'feel better' or are very 'glad that they talked to me' or feel like they can come and talk to me without the fear of being judged or ridiculed.

Now... Am I an encourager? That is my question. The people that know me could probably answer this question.. the best. lol. But, I always feel good when I've helped someone, or I feel happy that people feel they CAN confide in me and that at least some words that I've said have made some type of impact.

Have you ever thought about the type of gifts you have? And be mindful that the gift you do have is not only for yourself.. it's for the people around you.. and the people you have yet to meet..

x

God searched my heart

He always does something to let me know that he is listening.

As you know.. last week I was very troubled and didn't know why.. so many things were just running through my mind.. random theories, emotions, flashbacks to places that my mind didn't need to take me...
So, Yeah.

I'm a little bit more at ease-- inwardly today-- despite from a weird dream I had the previous day-- well weird, but also confirmed a vibe I had, I know God is with me.

I just need to suck it up. Chill. Relax. Kick back.

I want to live until I'm like 95-- I need to adopt a more relaxing attitude.. my mother died at 54, which is far too young.. I will live past that.. but stress and lack of sleep(I'm actually sleeping fine.. but lack of sleep is definitely an underlying factor to why we get ill..) is definitely not going to aid in that! This is the month my mother died.. I'm silently mourning.. but God is my strength. 5 years and it feels like it only happened last month.

Other than that-- I'm ok. Dealing with the last little itty bits (hopefully) and I hope (I pray) my mind will be at some type of ease.

I was watching X Factor last night and SAM SMITH performed!! I love him.. and now this song is stuck in my head:

Happy Monday x

Revival

Dude.


I'm not a huge Stephen King reader, but I am a follower of his work and this new book 'Revival' looks so good.

I got the Goodreads newsletter and I read his interview.. it looks so good.


I gots me another book to sink my teeth into!

Yay!

The Heart

So last night I felt compelled to search for scriptures in the Bible concerning the heart-- while simultaneously catching up with 'The Leftovers'  (not to mention it was the most disturbing episode to date that I have watched...)

Anyway. This scripture popped out at me :

Proverbs 4:23

'Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.'

I went 'Wow..' what you do.. is a reflection of what is in your heart-- that's the understanding I gained. But the only question that I had is how do you guard your heart? There's a difference between guarding and letting your heart becoming so cold that you don't even care about anything anymore. 

I have a feeling guarding is in line with the control of emotions.. but that scripture spoke to me because the things that I do.. unless i'm upset or angry-- actually even if i am those things, I still do the things I usually do.. but just I'm fuming with fire inside. 

But.. I'll grasp it somehow.. and I think it will actually help me because I wouldn't say my heart is fragile.. but I can get quite emotional and when people say things.. even if they are a jokey.. they still mean something, because despite someone saying 'I'm kidding' there's truth behind every joke..

So I'll once again over think and be like 'Well.. why did you say that then?' Then my heart will sink.. etc.

Yeah.

But.. I believe it's a scripture to just advise that your heart should be pure and to keep it that way it needs to be guarded so that it doesn't fill with hate..

Either way.. it did speak to me one way or another.. constant self improvement.

Then.. I even googled 'scriptures for a trouble heart'

I felt troubled.

And I was led to John 14:1

'Do not let your heart be troubled, You believe in God, also believe in me'

What.

My goodness.

I smiled, looked up and went, 'God'. 

It's only one sentence but it speaks multitudes. It's right smack bang in the face to God.. like 'Well.. you believe in God.. so.. why is your heart troubled? Trust him.'

Sometimes things become overwhelming and you start to take matters into your own hands.. when really that's why God is there.. he wants our burdens, 'Cast your burdens onto me for I care for you' 1 Peter 5:7

My heart is a little more at ease.. but I still have worries lingering around in my mind..

Jeez.. peace must prevail.

x

Unlock

You know.. sometimes it's good to talk..

Especially when your heart becomes so heavy, it feels like there's a weight on your chest. But sometimes, you know... don't you have those thoughts in your mind like 'What are they gonna say if I say this?' or, 'What will they think of me?' or, 'Are they gonna think I'm aiming all of this at them?' because you know when you talk to people.. or even generally.. about half of what they say is mainly their body- so you're talking and you're seeing something shift as they move their body and you're like 'Ohh no..' but maybe that's just me because I've become a lot more observant nowadays..

But.. yeah, because one major thing I notice is when I speak a little of my heart out.. I feel.. like space! If that even makes sense? Like a gap has formed where that weight was filling. But then..,. it gets filled up with more worries.

Jesus. Am I a piece of work or what? I thank God that I'm not stressed out-- or at least I don't think I am? I don't really feel 'stressed' per se-- but more overwhelmed if anything.

I'm the kind of person that will put someone else before myself.. but then I'm also learning that I must think of myself otherwise.. no one will. That's life... everyone thinks of themselves.. I really think there are only a selected few of people in this world that will fully forget about themselves and think of other people and their needs.

But anyway, I guess my general fear of heartfelt talk is that what I am saying will get taken completely the wrong way, rather than letting that person know how I am actually truthfully feeling.

So when someone asks if I'm ok.. my default answer is 'I'm fine'.. but we all know the meaning behind that statement don't we.. and it's not even the statement, it's the tone of the statement that tells you if you actually are or not..

Oh Lord... bit by bit I'll get there..
x