The battle

What is going on...

One minute I'm ok.. then the next minute I'm hurt.. One minute I'm thinking about something positive.. then I hear something.. and the next minute I'm down again..

It's been happening for the past two weeks.. and internally I feel ok (I think) I think there's shards of my heart that have fallen off (figuratively speaking). I'm still trying to comprehend what is wrong.. I know a major part of it is someone that is very close to me upset me to the point of tears.. but it was due to my own thinking and over analyzing (mentioned in the previous post).

I don't want to say I'm a wreck.. but I think I am at the moment! I feel unsettled.. I feel sad, I feel like I'm all over the place-- but I think it's because of the fact I've started this new role at work and this week has been quite hectic and I haven't had the 'me' time that I need... and on top of that this weekend is busy for me.. and then the next week is going to be the same..

Also... this month (on the 24th to be exact) would be 5 years since my mother's death.. and I think that is another contributing factor.. even though I STILL don't understand why NOW I'm mourning. But I think it's because the past couple of years I pushed it to the back of my mind and decided to kind of ignore it... but I should know myself by now.. anything I push to the back of my mind will get pushed to the forefront at some point and kick me right in the butt.

..which is what has happened.

I've already acknowledged that my mind is something else.. so I really need to try hard to work on it, and also with God's help. But one thing I just realised,.,. what would help is if I communicate more. But I was having a think on the way to work.. and to me.. the people that I communicate with the most.. I feel or I think don't really like to communicate.. and the more I want to talk.. the more I think they are getting fed up and think I'm just being an over emotional person.

A lot of the time I really don't think people understand me.. which is why I keep myself to myself. I feel like people think I'm too emotional or too sensitive when all I really want is someone to understand me and know when I say a certain thing.. I mean something else.

I concluded that I am a bit complicated too.. lol as a person because I will always say one thing and mean another.. like I will say 'no' but I mean 'yes', or I'll say 'go away' when I really I want you to stay..

*sigh* Yeah... there's a battle going on within myself at the moment.. a battle of emotions... thoughts..

I need your help God...

The biggest demon in my life

Is my mind.

I was speaking to one of my little sisters yesterday, and that was a statement that came out of my mouth. Now I'm sitting back, thinking about it..

I overthink. I overanalyse. I over criticize (myself), I dwell.. there's so many things that float in my mind everyday... and I don't stop thinking.. it can be bad stuff.. good stuff, old stuff, new stuff.. it will stay in my mind..

And the fact that I bottle things up.. --something that I am working on-- doesn't help.

My mind I believe is my biggest standing block and only God can help me to work on that..


Hm. Life!

EDIT; But on a more positive note.. I sent out 4 pitches last week.. and I'm anticipating responses.
Eeee!

I really do thank God, every day of my life.

#positivity

Despite the little bumps in the road, and the little situations here and there... my life is great.

Sometimes I think to myself that I'm a useless person and that what is the point of me being here.. blah blah all of that jazz, and I wonder what is the point of me being here?

But then when people are telling me they are glad they know me, and they feel comfortable enough to waste their time and tell me about their concerns, feelings and their problems and actually SEEK advice from me, or just a sympathetic ear-- is that not humbling or what?

It makes me feel like 'Yes... I have purpose' Because I have this thing where I know I'm not here just to be here.. there is something that I am meant to be doing, there are people that I am destined to meet and encourage or impact, or just HAVE to meet.

But.. when I sit back and think about my life and think about the people around me and who I've had to advise and etc I'm just like 'wow.'

It's not just about the problems in life.. because the problems are just what makes the great things more valuable.

Thank you God for all that you do for me.. and that you even CREATED me... and that I'm still alive to see the people I love and care about, and that they love and care about me as well..

Just... grateful.

The last week before half term

THEN I'M OFF FOR TWO WEEKS BABY!


Yes. Much deserved methinks.

I can't wait. I can feel like i'm on the verge of getting a cold and I REFUSE it.

No way.

Do the right thing

I'm a person that lives by the scripture in Matthew 7:12 'So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the law and the prophets' (NIV)

In life, there are things that happen.. and do you ever think on the other side of the spectrum if whatever is happening to that person, or whatever that person is doing, would you like it? If someone was talking to YOU about someone else that you love and care about, would you keep it quiet or would you let that person know and rectify the problem?

No one likes being spoken about, especially in a negative way-- so no way would I allow it, and I don't think anyone else would unless they aren't a truthful person or want to avoid conflict..

But either way, the key phrase in here is 'Do to others what you would have them do to you' and to me this also relates to karma as well.. as long as you do good to others and do the right thing, they would surely do it for you-- whatever you give out is what you get back.

That's life.

But yeah.. that's one of the scriptures that I live by and actively portray in my everyday life.. and I pray to God that this is what people will do for me.

You know it's nice to know people can be comfortable enough to tell you where you're going wrong, and that's great because it can solve so many problems and avoid less problems.

It would be a better world if we all could just be truthful with one another and not have to go around and tell other people-- why not go directly and tell the person how you are feeling? I'm learning from my spiritual father everyday-- if you have a problem with someone, go and tell them-- why are you going to another person when the problem is with a different person?

Is that right?

Before I'm usually fearful of what people will think-- but at the end of the day people will think what they want to-- we can't control what people think, but as long as I'm doing the right thing and finding a solution, then my spirit is at rest.

Lord.. have mercy.

Quick one

It's frickin freezing!

And why today I woke up at 6:37am.. but my body refused to think it was 6.. it felt like 5am,

But anyway, I was able to get up and leave my house on time for work.


Looking forward to this week.. I'm going to conquer my fear of sending pitches.. and just email a whole bunch of pitches to places.. and see where I go..

I have to start moving .. and not remain where I am..

Questions for God

Why have you placed me in this particular job that I am in?

What do you want me to do in  regards to the people around me?

Am I an encourager? A motivator? A writer?

Am I meant to be someone to consult for a source of counsel?

If the word you have given me is true, how will I get to fulfilling it?


Only God will know what I mean.. and Lord help me to keep my eyes open and to see the answers...