That Friday feeling

Ever heard of the wardrobe struggle?

Yeah... that uncertainty of what to wear every morning-- because half of your trousers/tights/leggings have holes in that same place on the right thigh??

Yeah. That.

Well.. I had that this morning-- and also had my hair to do (having your hair braided the night before and having to undo them etc... Naturals know what I mean.) BUT on the bright side I still caught my train, and got to work early.

That annoying feeling of waking up and having to rummage through all of your clothes, thinking if you've worn that already, if it's dirty, if it's ok to wear again even though you wore it two days ago-- that kind of thing.. where your clothes are literally on rotation.
But there's nothing wrong with that, we do the same with our underwear-- we wear it.. we wash it.. we wear it again.
It shouldn't be an issue.. but it is... because after a while we want new clothes and don't want to be out dated.

OH wells!

Every Friday, I have the 'I don't care.. it's Friday' attitude... because really it's the end of the working week.. I just want to stay in bed and not have to get up at 5.45 in the morning.. Ya know!

But regardless... despite all of that annoyance.. still grateful.
Glad it's the weekend though.. AND! The weather is going to be beautiful as well!

Oh.. and we turn the clocks forward this weekend.. don't forget -___-

Have a good one.
x

One last drag..

She flicks the lighter on-- the flame of fire warms her hand for a split second-- off. She flicks it off. She flicks it on again. Off.

She twiddles the cigarette in her other hand between her fingers. She takes in the smoothness of it-- and imagines the high she will get off it. The echoes of the past continue to haunt her. She flicks the lighter again.
She sighs, not being able to see her own hand in front of her once she flicks the lighter off.

She stands up from her fetal position on her bed, and walks over to her window. The windowsill drenched with rain, trickling down her bedroom wall. She puts the lighter near the head of the cigarette. She flicks it on.

'Who cares anyway?  It's only one cigarette.'

...I ached for him

My heart pounded in my chest

'Really?'

'Yeah, I did.. but after everything else that happened, I saw no point for feeling that way'

I smirked.

'So I don't really know how to feel. I care about you, but that's how far it can go.'

'No. You've decided in your mind that you don't want it to go any further

'I don't see the point'

'I do! We've had a long physical relationship that resulted in us both liking each other, but due to other circumstances you decided to become an emotionless pig..'

'Rude'

'It's true'

I ached for him.

I always found myself reminiscent of 'old times' coming to bed and meeting his warm body.. slowly undressing myself.. and him pretending not to notice... and I would know when I would feel his hand rubbing my lower back-- a subliminal invitation into our own little world where no one can interrupt us.

How we would entangle ourselves with each. others bodies.. the smell of faint cigarette on his breathe(that he claimed wasn't, but he's not a

very good liar) as he exhaled in sheer

pleasure.


After our euphoria, I would whisper, 'I missed you' while giving him playful pecks on his back; and he would whisper back without hesitation 'I missed you too'


He acted as if our encounters were forbidden--

because anytime I would ask a question he would--without fail-- avoid any form of a coherent answer. But when we're in bed together.. it's as if I just opened myself to a completely different human being.



...One of the many stories I need to flesh out and FINISH.....

Just to give a teaser.. this part of the story is a flashback.. or actually a multitude of flashbacks (first draft out 'ere!)
And the main issues that will be in this story are things like rape, self esteem, relationships, love..

I should be posting more snippets as the time goes on.. :)

Laptops, Lessons, Desires...

I've been deprived of my laptop for 2 months.

Withdrawal symptoms are kicking in!!

But anyway, besides that.. I feel so liberated right about now!

Have you ever had such a desire to be able to be the answer to everyone's problems? Or to have the answer to everyone's problems?

It's a stupid desire.

You know why? Because we're not God.. and if we EVER had the ability to have all of the answers.. we would destroy everyone that we know.

The things people want (or supposedly need) may not even be what they need OR want, but it's something that they see and THINK that they need for that specific moment.

So..  I'm not completely shutting down that desire-- but more realizing that there are other things that people people need like love, or a shoulder to cry on, or a sympathetic ear.

Not cigarettes, or alcohol or something that will temporarily alleviate feelings of sadness, loneliness.. etc but something that they need to soothe their SOUL.. a word, for them.

Bad company corrupts good morals, it says in the book of Proverbs, and the last thing you want to be is a person influencing someone to do bad, or even worse, giving in to their bad habits so you won't feel as if you're being a bad friend-- in their eyes of course.

And.. we ask so many questions in life that we really don't need the answers to at that present moment in time because we may not have the correct understanding or we're not really meant to know until later on down the line.

When I sit down and reflect about everything I always learn something-- and I'm not sure if it's only me that does this but I heavily analyse myself each day.. the stuff I say, the way I behave and revisit the moments where as soon as i've done something, I go 'Maybe I shouldn't have done that../said  that..'
And then regroup myself.

It's all part of improvement.. like I said previously.. this year is a year of improvement for me.. because I need to start making a mark!

And it's so beautiful today! <3

Rainy day Friday

You seeing a trend here?

As I'm sitting on this train with one more stop remaining.
I just wanted to get this question out there..

Why are we so insecure with ourselves? Why can't we see all of the great things in ourselves but we can see it in other people?
Is it easier to accept theirs than our own?

It's a time for change.. Because just doing that can set us back.. We are our own worst enemies sometimes and we cause ourselves to stand still.

Time to move! Time to achieve!

Happy Friday (woop!)

Rainy day Thursday

Well, hello person I cannot see in cyberspace!

It's been a while.. I know. Give me some credit, at least it hasn't been a month!
Anyway.. The new year isn't as bad as it began.. I'm starting to piece together things, and supporting and most importantly improving myself in small ways.
This year is a year of improvement for me because I really need to start moving and making  a mark.

And that leaves my question out to you-- what do you already do that people remember you by? I put on twitter this morning that if you do something and do it well you will definitely be remembered.
For me.. What i've been told many times is I encourage. I don't know how I do it, but I do it! Lol

One desire of mine is to be one of those people that are remembered for always being there and being supportive through the tough times, being that person that never left regardless of what's happened. I would like to be remembered as a person that caused them not to give up.
But there are things about myself I also need to change to be able to be that kind of person.
I want to make a change..

This life.. It's not all about what we want.. It's about others and how we can help them and make an impact in other people's lives..

Have it in mind that you are someone's helper... And just a word can change their life...

x

Nostalgia

Was looking through my writings and found this..



You really don't need to know..

These feelings I've been feeling...

You really don't need to know

How hard I've been trying at healing

Everyday it's a new cut, and you don't even realise

You go about your day, oblivious to what's happening to me

Internally.

The cuts never heal-- blood seeping out of the cracks

But who cares?

You're the straw that broke the camel's back.

I can't take it... you rubbing her all in my face.

Yet you are the one

That I am willing to chase.

All of the hurt, all of the emotions

Were all in vain.

But really, for your gain.

Internally I'm being cut piece by piece.

But what can I do?

I'm here for you no matter what.

Because I love you.