Identity Crisis-- Searching for who I am again

Is it possible to lose your identity within your identity?

What?

Does that even make sense?

Let me break it down a little more...

Me, personally, I'm a mother, a writer, a friend, a sister...
But since I've had kids... it seems all of those other things have faded away and the only thing I seem to be is a mother.

It's not a bad thing-- but it seems as if-- that's all I'm doing.. being a mother. Changing nappies. Baby talk. Feeding. Sleep routines. Discipline. Buying clothes and shoes. Bedtime stories. Bedtime routines..

But all of the other things I am known as are nowhere to be found. I'm so encapsulated on being a good mother that.. the rest have disappeared.

It's so funny how I read something similar about how being a mother shouldn't stop me of forgetting who I am... and it's so true.
Having children are blessings.. but it is all determined on what you do.

It's horrific to read stories and hear things on the news about mothers or parents even, that have killed their children and then killed themselves. But for what?

This doesn't only apply to mothers.. fathers too. We all were someone before we had children and having children doesn't change that fact-- what are we going to leave behind for our children when all we are doing is just knowing how to be a good parent?

Really... an identity crisis is figuring out who you are; whereas this is more of seeking your identity.

You want to try so hard to be a good role model for your child.. a good parent... just to do what is right by your child.. but you get so lost in that, that you forget everything else that you used to do.

I used to write.. a lot.
Writing has become non existent. And so many people ask me why am I not writing...
Writing in itself is not an easy craft, mind you! But I always thank God for giving me the gift to write-- I need to use it!
Being a parent can be so frustrating and stressful, especially when your child is going through growth spurts, teething, developmental milestones... it's neverending to say the least.
You can get so lost in the cycle of parenthood that you're not able to make time for yourself.

But that's just it... you gotta MAKE the time. Anytime you have free.. utilize it.

This is literal mumbo jumbo going on in my mind that I just wanted to put down. It may not make sense to you, but it makes a whole lotta sense for me!

The motherhood dilemma: Going back to work or stay at home

So.

It's been about a year since I've written a single word in here.


Don't beat me up... life gets in the way sometimes... situations get in the way sometimes.. but at the end of it all I do come back!

It's been a whirlwind of a year though.

Because of some staff changes and developmental changes in my workplace, I decided to stay at home and take care of my children.

It wasn't an easy decision because to be honest, I didn't want to be a mother on benefits; but to be honest I feel I need to spend time with my kids and make sure they are prepared when they start primary school.

I was in Primark the other day, and I bumped into a young lady who had a 1 year old-- it's her first child, and she's a single mum so she's had to go back to work against her will. Now she wants to change her decision because she feels she's not able to spend as much time with her son as she likes but the workplace is giving her hell.

Even when I was working-- when I would finish work and come home I'm so tired, that I can't even have quality time with my children.. it would be time for bed anyway!
And then the whole childcare situation...

Childcare is an absolute biatch-- I really didn't see a point of going back to work to practically be working to pay off childcare fees.

So tada. Here I am.

A letter to my Son (Part 2)

If you want to read part one, it's HERE.

Dear Matthew,

I've only known you for 5 months-- but I have fallen in love all over again. Despite me forgetting a lot of how to take care of a new born, everyday I am being reminded because obviously, your older brother went through the exact same process as you! Meeting milestones, growing month after month-- the first smiles, the rolls, eating solids, crawling-- and I'm already experiencing some with you!

You are so different from your brother-- but that is to be expected because you are two different people!(babies, lol) I can't wait for your personality to truly unfold and I get to see your character in full! I can already get a hint of how you are, but when you start crawling and becoming more independent-- I can't wait.

You were a very big surprise for mummy-- but I am so happy God has blessed me with you. It can be challenging at times with handling you and your brother-- I have my days where I'm down and I even question my ability; but just to see you and your brother smiling and laughing-- it means I am definitely on the right track!

The first time I heard you laugh.... MY HEART! And the fact it was the first time and I heard it first, it was a very beautiful moment for mummy! I almost cried!

What caused my heart to just burst is when you look at your older brother and smile at him. Even though you are only 5 months at the moment, I know you know that is your brother and  you love him!
I can already foresee that you guys will be best friends... you will quarrel.. and you will disagree... but at the end of the day, you guys will always have each other's backs.

I can't wait to see how God is going to use you my son..
Mummy loves you so much

xxxxx

Strength

Strength.
What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear that word?
Bulging biceps? a six pack? Eight pack?

That is a particular type of strength but not the one that I'm going to address to you today.

Each and everyone of you has an inner strength that you tend to overlook. As you venture through life, and experience problems and what it may appear as situations that you think you will never come out of-- some way or another you come out of those problems, stronger than you were before.

Do you know why? Even though you maybe cried, lashed out, felt to give up-- you were still able to stand; you were still able to endure and you were still able to persevere. All of these things show that you are strong.
Life doesn't always go the way we want it to, but God is taking us down the path he has destined for us-- it will not always have a straight road-- it will be bumpy, it will be curvy, there will be some places where we slightly go off course; but as we endure in these times, we will end up where we are meant to be.

Every situation we encounter is for a purpose-- we will never see why until we come out, but one realization is that you see it makes us stronger, so when we encounter the next problem, we are able to stand even stronger than before.

Life isn't easy-- but it's worth every day, every second and every minute. Appreciate and be grateful you have the gift of life.

God first

When you wake up in the morning... do you first tell God 'Thank you?'
I will be so honest with you... the first thing I do when I wake up is look at my phone. It's due to the world we are living in now.. everything is heavily technology based so it's so easy to forget about God and focus on the world.

But with being a child of God, it is imperative that we devote our days, our life in the hands of God.
He is our scriptwriter, he is our maker, he is our all in all, he is the one that guides us everyday.
Especially with a being a mommy-- I always pray for my kids and pray that God will always keep them safe and protected.

But what it actually means by 'putting God first' is remembering him in everything that you do-- when you are looking for a job, when you want to make new friends, when you are deciding on a new career, when you want to look for a partner, when you even want to just go out-- put God first. Ask him, 'Is this what I'm meant to be doing today?' and he will most definitely give you the answer. God speaks to us everyday but we just aren't listening. We are too busy focused on making money, and our own passions that we forget about the purpose to why we have been put here.

We are human and we will forget things and make mistakes, but God is a loving God and understands. All we need to do is run back to him. He knows what is best for us, and he knows where he wants to take us-- we just have to involve him in all that we do and he will show himself strong in our lives.

Matthew 6:33
" But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

Humbled life

Being a mother is a blessing in so many different ways--- it's not an easy task, but it's something I always give praise to God because I didn't even know if I was going to be a mother.
To be honest, you don't need to have a child to be called a mother-- but personally, I didn't think I'd have children.. I wanted them but I didn't know when or if it was going to happen.

One thing about being a mother is your children teach you a lot. Children are so innocent and so honest it's unbelievable. Can you imagine this is how God wants us to be like?

Matthew 18:3
"And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."

Let me not digress from what I want to say-- but if you observe how a child is, you will understand this scripture wholehear
tedly.

Anyway, having children, raising them and just being around them teaches you so many life lessons-- it causes you to be patient, to be more observant, and to be more understanding. When children aren't at the stage where they can't talk or are just learning to talk, they use signs to communicate, or they cry and it takes you as the parent to understand what they need.

To be honest, having children humbles you-- because as an adult you have a level of pride in you-- but there's these little things that children do that just put you back in line-- especially when you don't take the time to understand their need and you end up lashing out or shouting and all they wanted was for you to cuddle them.

This life is a continuous journey of life lessons-- pick up that book and make notes!

Time to yourself

It's been a long time I've posted...

Definitely not intentional... sometimes life just gets in the way.. or you lose motivation... so many things get in the way, and if we allow it to... we delay ourselves.

I just got a new laptop.. by the grace of God.. so now I'll be able to post more and do more things writing related.. because tbh I've been very demotivated...

But God willing you will be seeing me more again

x

I am a mother of a 1 year old

Glory to God.. my son turned 1 on the 15th of October.

Before you even go there.... I know it's been a very very vehrrryyy long time since I've posted anything on here.
It's not easy being a mother.. I tell you. Now at the slightest movement of my son.. I'm up-- I'm now going to bed a lot earlier than I used to, and the balance of nightly routines and getting up super early in the morning for work has its effects.

Plus.. I haven't really felt the need to write anything; but I've had a lot of experiences to write about which I will do at the right time.

Jeremiah is walking-- new sense of independence-- he really enjoyed his birthday and had a cake all to himself-- I just can't believe he's 1--- where did the time go?

He's no longer a baby anymore.. he is a toddler. Lawd.

One thing I will address is... as a parent you really need to keep an eye on what your child picks up, habits, etc-- I've completely stopped breastfeeding now-- but in that Jeremiah obtained a bad habit-- waking up at 1am and 5am for a bottle of milk-- which he DIDN'T need.
It was the fact when he woke up he would get something, so he would always wake up at those times.

I had to nip it in the bud quick-- so the week before I went back to work, it was 'operation sleep through the night' and in just a week he adjusted. It was tough for the first three days, he cried for almost two hours the first night-- I've been hit and scratched in the face...

But yeah. He now sleeps through the majority of the night-- he tends to winge a bit around 4:30.. but he doesn't wake up and that's where I've gotten.
All I do now is before he goes to bed, I make sure his belly is full.. and it work like a charm.

But yes.. I have a lot more to write about... soon!

7 months, behaviour and going back to work

My boy is currently 7 months and 2 weeks and I have been learning A LOT.

As a mother, you learn every single day about your child and what to do-- I've noticed something that my son does that is also a development milestone-- he knows that when he cries or he does something that will draw my attention, my attention will be on him.
Example-- he has learned how to get up from his car seat to the point where he has tipped out of it (He didn't hurt himself, don't worry) but because a couple of months back, I would always pick him up as soon as he cries, so he got used to that-- and when I caught on, I stopped.

I looked this up on google (Honestly, google becomes your best friend) and this can be called 'manipulative' behaviour; Manipulative according to dictionary.com is 'exercising unscrupulous control or influence over a person or situation.'

Babies are learning new things, so without even knowing it, they are doing this. We take for granted how smart they actually are-- children are very perceptive and are very observant.

Now, before you look at what I'm saying in disgust, I'm not saying my son is manipulating me, but he is doing it unknowingly because he's learning the ways of the world. Just how children learn how to throw things and drop them-- they want to know what happens when they do so. So just like this, if your child falls down and cries, and every time he does that, you come running to his rescue-- that is what he will believe and grow with that perception.

The reason why certain children become clingy, or bossy or whatever is based on their childhood and what you allow them to do. But it's our job as parents to be their guardians and to steer them when they are going off track so they don't spoil.

If this happened to you-- your child has been doing this thing where if they cry you pick them up, if they do something for your attention and you give it to them, as they grow in life and they see that doesn't always happen, it will mess them up-- but if you let them know from now, that things will not be like that all the time, things don't happen when you want them-- they will have a healthy perception of life and will not be disappointed when it comes to that.


I'm going back to work in a couple of weeks and I have mixed feelings. I NEED to go back to work financially wise, and it will be good for my boy to get used to not seeing me and to break off the attachment to me-- I ecen sense a hint of separation anxiety already-- because I test him by going out without him for a little while and each time I go out he cries until I get back.

Ideally I would have loved to have gone the whole year on maternity, but reality has kicked in and it would be beneficial for the both of us.


I just can't believe how fast time is flying.

Gummee Glove: Review

When my boy's teeth started cutting through, I had to rush and get some type of teething toy to soothe the pain that he was experiencing. Upon my purchase, I stumbled upon this (pic below)

Called the 'Gummee Glove'; what attracted me to it as the colours and the fact that it has so many parts for the child to chew on, and the fact that they can WEAR it. 

Especially with my boy, he can hold things very well, but he likes to throw things too so at least with this, I can secure it on his hand and he can chew away. The glove makes a crinkly sound like a plastic bag and my boy seems so fascinated with that sound, so even better.

It even comes with its own little travel bag for hygiene purposes-- how much better can you go?

And most of all, my boy likes it. So, can't go wrong! His two teeth are fully out now, but obviously there's more to go!

When you're down...

We all have our down, not so good, don't want to talk to anybody, wanna be quiet, anti social, just want to stay in bed kind of moods.. and that is perfectly ok.

The only difference is to not stay down. Life comes with a lot of disappointments, setbacks, regrets and doubts, but to put a positive spin on it, it means you are preparing to be lifted up.

There are so many reasons to feel down in the life we live in, but you need to believe that everything happens for a reason. I am a living testimony to that statement. There are so many things that I have sat down and contemplated about and wondered what was the point of this happening and meeting this person-- but after everything passed and I could see clearly, I realised that it all helped to where I am now.

We will never see why something is happening right at the start, but with time and a little bit of patience, you will see it actually adds to who you are.

Don't be discouraged if at this time you're feeling down and wondering what is next in life-- it's part of the process towards becoming great. Before you get to the top, you start from the bottom-- when you fall down, you get back up.

The point is, when you are down, the only way is up. The time to get up is all based on you.
x

Ella's Kitchen: Review

I've been actively weaning Jeremiah for a month now-- and I've been mainly using the Ella's Kitchen range to do it.
There are a wide array of flavors to try and I absolutely love them.

Above is literally only about 20 percent of what is available to try. The Ella's Kitchen range is perfect to try for your child from 4 months. 

But only attempt to start your child on these foods when you see that they are ready for weaning. What I mean is, you can see that when you're eating your food they look interested in what you are eating and they are going as far as opening their mouths when you offer your food to them.

But yeah, it starts from 4 months onwards-- and there are pouches that look like this for 4 month old babies:

and they usually only come as singular flavours such as mangoes, sweet potatoes, bananas, pears, peas, carrots, and then if you want your child to get a taste of a mixture of flavours, again from 4 months, there are pouches like these:

(Jeremiah really likes this flavour) and as you can see there's a little label with 'super smooth' on it; at 4 months especially, when introducing semi solid food, this is the best option to try because for them it's a completely new experience for them, they're not used to textures, so for the food to be super smooth, it's quite liquid like, so it will be easy for them to eat.
Once you can see that they've mastered the super smooth texture, you can move them onto this kind of Ella's Kitchen pouch:

It usually starts from 6 months, but it's now 'Smooth and creamy' so these particular pouches are a little thicker than the super smooth pouches; but every baby is different, Jeremiah started eating this at 5 months; but you as the parent will be able to tell when your child is ready to move to the next level.

There are more pouches from 7 months which I can't review at the moment because I have yet to try them! But the Ella's Kitchen range is very good, and the flavours are very favourable, lots of fruits, lots of veggie selections-- it's actually inspiring me to do my own recipes!

The FULL Ella's Kitchen range is available in your local Tesco(not express, the larger ones) or Waitrose. And sometimes they run a deal where you can buy 7 for the price of 6.. so you basically get one pouch free.

But yes, give it a go and see how you get on! There are so many ranges of baby's food but Ella's Kitchen caught my interest.

Happy Weaning! x

Silence

In each and everyone's lives... there is a time where you are meant to be silent.

Ecclesiastes 3:7

"A time to be silent and a time to speak."

When this particular time comes, it doesn't mean that you have to be absolutely mute and even when someone says 'hello' you don't pay attention to them-- no, lets not take it that far.. but what I mean is, there is a time where you are just meant to take in your surroundings and listen. We all like to talk and we all like to share our views and opinions; but sometimes it's good to listen and to understand the people around us; and to take time and understand our own selves.

It sounds a little funny to hear, but a lot of us do not know who we are, what we are capable of, or what our purpose is to why we are here.

Silence can also be considered a weapon; you don't need to shout or use profane words. Just be quiet.

You never know, something that you said years ago could be used against you-- but if you were silent, then no one would have anything to stand on and say 'Oh but that time, she said this...'

When you are silent, you see a lot more that is happening around you, and things begin to make sense; you understand why particular things have been happening to you; you begin to understand why you have been feeling a particular way-- and most importantly you gain a better understanding of yourself, because in this time of silence, you can reflect.

When was the last time you just sat quietly at home and reflected on your life, your goals and your aims?

You must set a time at least once a week and do this because it makes all of the difference-- we make time for people, but what about yourself? You are the most important person-- and this is not being selfish; you must take care of yourself from the inside out.

Always make a time and just be silent. You will be surprised at how much you hear.

Living with a newborn: Teething

My boy's teeth are coming through!

He's been teething for a little while, and I didn't really realize until a couple of weeks ago and saw little white stubs on his bottom gums!

Now I'm really seeing the effects of teething-- the drool seems to have quadrupled over the space of a couple of days-- he lost his appetite just yesterday and didn't really eat much... he was crying A LOT... even as he's falling asleep.. he's crying. Whenever I give him his little teething toy, he's chomping and biting on it like no tomorrow.

My little strong man-- he's doing so well-- every day I'm seeing more of his two teeth it's so cute!

One thing I'm noticing is that he wants to sleep a lot more than usual which I guess is part of it as well-- am I a bad parent? I don't really want to give him paracetamol, but rather I want him to ride out the pain-- he's been handling it so well this long; I put his teething toy in the fridge for it to be a little cool against his gums, and that tends to do the trick.
I want to try to only give him medicine when he really needs it, (Temperature, when he has his injections etc) is that a little harsh?

I really don't like seeing my boy like this.. I had to spoil him with cuddles and kisses yesterday because he was so miserable!
But I read up on teething and it's usually only the first two teeth that are the worst-- and when the others come through it's not as bad.
But.. I'll guess I will have to see that for myself!

Another milestone-- so many more to meet! Exciting stuff.
x

Simple Baby Bath Review

So.. through a good friend of mine, I discovered the Simple baby bath range.

There's three different types:

Moisturizing bath, Moisturizing Shampoo, and All in one.

I've had the opportunity to use the 2 out of 3 h is the Moisturizing bath and shampoo and with Jeremiah's history of products and dry skin; this has been the best thing that I have used for him.

The moisturizing bath and shampoo are no tears, so if it accidentally enters in his eyes it won't sting which is great because the way Jeremiah is so mobile in the tub I have no worries.

The smell of the shampoo and bath is great, very gentle and it makes my boy's skin very soft. I love the shampoo especially, it lathers great in my boy's hair and it has helped with his dry scalp.

The only downside is you can only find this range in chemists and pharmacies. If you go somewhere like Tesco or sainsbury's you will not find this particular baby range. 

They only sell for ONE POUND! It's really good and it's best to stock up now before they become very well known.

Living with an infant: 6 months!

Thank you my Lord!!!

My boy is 6 months!! He turned 6 months on Saturday and I am so thrilled. I can't believe he has made it to 6 months. I really can't. It's just unbelievable.

I just had you yesterday!

The way time is just flying is unbelievable-- I'll blink and then he would of turned 1,

That's how it literally feels like.

But wow. Jeremiah has come a long way already-- I remember him so small and I was carrying him everywhere in my arms-- now he's on his way to becoming a little gentleman, I leave him to do his own thing and play-- he can sit up for a little longer now by himself, he's smiling and giggling now... not to mention pulling my earrings and my hair! Oh Lord!
I like big earrings.. I'm going to have to stop wearing them for a while until he stops...! (Will he stop? lol)

He does the most cutest thing now-- if I bring my face closer to his, he will lift up his arms and stroke my face. It's so adorable.

He's getting so vocal now, more 'ba-ba's and 'da-da's, and a heap of squealing.

Jeremiah is known for being 'wiggly'-- he likes to kick his legs ALOT when he's excited, when he's playing... anytime really. That has increased a lot-- I'm wondering if he will be a speedy gonzalez when he starts to walk... lol

I'm reducing on the breastfeeding.. only breastfeeding at night and will gradually wean him off the breast-- Ideally I would have liked to have stopped now-- but I will actively work on the breastfeeding this month so hopefully by next month he'll be off the breast. He's on bottles and is eating semi solids so it shouldn't be too bad.

Things are changing... Soon he'll be getting teeth.. and eating proper food and talking!
I can't wait for him to start talking!

Teehee!

Naked

The most scariest thing that I find hard to do is to open up.

Truly open up. To reveal my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my disappointments and reveal the real me. Broken, imperfect, me.

Does that make sense? We live in a world where someone says they are with you one day and leave you the next.

Unfortunately we are surrounded with some people who are only around for their own selfish gain.

Let me break it down a little more for you.
As individuals we have a choice to who we open up to-- we have a choice of which side of us we choose to reveal to the people who have decided to be in our lives. But it is not all that we reveal... 

Why?

Is it the fear of rejection? The fear that once we have stripped off that barrier we are vulnerable? The fear of being judged? Regardless there is a fear that holds us from revealing our true selves.

But really, it is a very big privilege for someone to know the true you-- weaknesses and all.

We put on so many masks, and add so many layers to who we are just to protect our hearts; but somehow we manage to STILL get our hearts broken.

Being able to reveal your true self to people is the hardest thing to do; but this is being naked.

Sharing your hopes, dreams, fears-- letting people into the deepest darkest parts of yourself... it is the most vulnerable we can be-- and this is what being naked is all about.

It is the bravest thing that anyone can do-- but we constantly live in fear of being rejected or judged. 

But when you can find that person that you can truly be naked with-- do not turn them away. 

Do not live in fear, though-- it won't get you anywhere. If there is no one you can be truly naked with-- go to God.

God knows you best.

x

Rejection

There comes a time in each and everyone's lives where you will be rejected. It doesn't mean that you are pointless or your life is pointless.. it actually means that you are being prepared to be launched into the world.

I believe in God. I believe in his power, I believe once you accept him into your life, so many things change.
God doesn't do anything by accident; if you find yourself in a place where you are rejected, where no one even knows of your existence-- don't be dismayed at all, it just means that God is hiding you for a time before he brings you back out into the world.

This time of hiding is a preparation time-- a time to be groomed, broken, moulded back up, built-- everything.. but it is all for your GOOD.

You may be feeling at this time, 'Oh why is all of this happening to me' or 'Why is no one around to help me' don't even be worried... this is all happening because God has placed you in a place where no one is meant to see this time of transformation-- when God has finished with you, no one will be able to stop you.

It is a strategy! No one looks at the people who are 'nothing', but it's those same people that when you turn around another day, it is the people that you will need to help you! Never look down upon anyone, you never know who you will encounter in this life.

Be encouraged that you are in your process towards greatness. You may be rejected today; but at the time God reveals you, you will be accepted.

Living with an infant: Toys and Development

I recently bought my son a 'playnest' (pic below) and I can really see he is developing and becoming more and more interactive-- it is truly a beautiful thing to see. Something that took 9 months to create inside of you is now growing, developing, responding and playing.

God is good.

The purpose to why I bought the playnest as because as well as my son really liking colours-- they need to start feeling and touching different things and learning by exploring it for themselves. The Playnest is good for sensory development and cognitive development as it has a range of animals-- a zebra with a very soft and furry nose, a lion that makes a very crinkly noise, a parrot with a squeaky beak, and monkey with crinkly arms, and a sunshine with little ribbons that they can feel and stroke. It gets them busy using their hands and differentiating between colours and different textures. The funniest part of this playnest is that when I put my son in it, he lounges back instead of sitting up-- it's like a little chill spot for him. lol

But he's getting really busy in it nowadays, using his little hands to pull on the monkey arms and to touch the crinkly lion-- it's nice to watch.

But I can see that now he will need a wide range of toys because he is a very active baby-- always moving and wanting to touch things-- but it's all part of the curiosity of children.

Flash Fiction Friday-- Quiet

Staring outside to the emerging sunrise; my son is sleeping, looking so peaceful, his chest rising and falling. His eyes closed and his long eyelashes looking like mini bridges across his eyelids..

Mentally planning the day ahead-- listening to the low sounds of the voices on the radio, staring at the ceiling with the cobweb that seems to be getting longer everyday...

I hear the beginnings of crying from my son's crib.

The day has now begun.