In words

I'm going to try and comprehend what's in my mind right now..

I'm in a state of wonderment and asking unanswerable questions.

I have a problem where I want to know the reason for why everything is happening.. But I know there are so many things I'm not meant to know or understand, especially being a child of God.

In Isaiah 55:8, it says,
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD."

And that is the complete truth.. the way God works is not the way we work.. but I want to understand why all of this is happening to me.. Am I being tested?

I'm still not making sense but letting it out bit by bit is aiding my mind..

I said I had peace a couple of blogs ago.. the peace has been snatched away from me.


It must return back.

What a week..

Well... I seem to have been a bit off the radar right?

I have literally been lost in the abyss of my minds and thoughts it is so unreal.

A lot of what's on my mind, I have yet to be able to comprehend into the words.. they're still visuals in my mind.
It's affected me so much that I'm losing my appetite.. and I'm just.. in a state of silence.

But my God, my Jesus, my Father... he will not allow me to go through anything unless there is a meaning behind it.. I know all of this is just to strengthen me as an individual.

I'm still able to get up everyday with a smile, I'm still breathing.. I can walk.. I can jump.. I can encourage people..

I will praise my God.
x

Questions

I have so many questions in my mind right now.

Some may be able to be answered.. and I know some will not be.

Too many questions are flying around in my ahead about myself, the decisions I've made on my own accord.. and just so many things.

But funnily enough, I'm still at peace. Usually, when I get into modes like this, my mood drastically changes-- - (which it hasn't.. I'm just a little quiet), and I have this irritation in my chest, it's not like my chest hurts, but it's more like my heart hurts.. it doesn't make sense.. it doesn't physically hurt.. but.. there's just this kind of weight that I feel on it..

Only God and myself will understand.. don't worry if you don't. lol.

But yeah, other than that.. I'm ok.

I had the pleasure of catching up with my spiritual father earlier this week-- and I thank God because it was one of the things on my list to do this year.. and there's still more I need to tell him about..

I've just been really tired this week.. so I hope to kind of recuperate over the weekend..

No Flashback Friday this week...

I didn't forget, Flashback Friday!

Andd yet another snippet, blurb.. whalleva, of mine.. (story)

lol.

It's called 'Empty Jar' started it on the 16th of January.. and will revisit it soon...

Empty Jar

His tongue slithering in my mouth-- a short feeling of dismay, 'Am I really kissing him?' I continue kissing him, and open my eyes. His eyes are closed, his lips are soft; every other second his tongue strokes my tongue, and the little sounds under his breath indicate to me that he likes what is happening...
Suddenly, he grips my sides and sits himself up with me straddled across his lap. He holds me tight by the waist, jumps up and takes me up the stairs-- I feel the vibration of his body making his way up the stairs, and the feel of his soft lips on my neck.

We reach our destination-- the energy from both of our bodies was too intense-- I ripped my underwear off and I helped him take his off. I reached for him by his neck and pulled him so close. The warmth of his body instantly warmes me up and I jerked as he entered me.
The whispers of his voice comforted me as I entangled my legs around his waist.
He let out a satisfied moan. He left me.
"Come.." I reached out for his hand; him laying on top of me
"I love you.."
I stared at his chest going up and down.
He held my hand.
"I'm guessing we're done here..?" He lifted his head up, and stared at me with his tired eyes.
I nodded. I watch the back of him leave my room..

Not entirely sure where to go with this... I don't think it'll be a long story..

x

Bank Holiday!!

Ughh!!!
(That was an outburst of excitement and happiness)

I'm sooooo glad! It has actually been an exhausting week. I'm glad I have that extra day to just recharge.

Well.. I won't be up to much this weekend, and I don't have to be.. just relaxing is enough for me to be honest.

..and I can't describe it, but I have this feeling of.. 'belonging' so to speak, like I've finally understood myself. It probably makes no sense to whoever is reading, but it makes sense to me.
We all need to understands ourselves-- why do we do the things we do, why we say the things we say, why we feel the way we feel about things-- you get the point; but for the past couple of weeks I've just had a good reflection about myself, and really cracked open a lot of things about myself and I've become more happier because of it-- back to how I used to be.

But even how I used to be.. now that I think about it.. it was masked happiness-- meaning happiness that existed because it was covering up something; so I wasn't actually happy, I made it seem as I was so people wouldn't pay attention, or think I'm yearning for attention.
I was actually a very sad person.. a sad person that still wanted to help people, and make sure everyone else around me was ok-- I find joy in helping people, making sure they're ok.. things like that. A sad person that thought that no one really loved her, but they were just around her for their own gain.

But.. with so many teachings and words from my spiritual father plus my own understanding and realisations.. My mind is a lot clearer and a lot more positive. Obviously.. moods will come and so will bad days, but they won't last.

So thank God for that.

Roll on the weekend!
x

Peaches Geldof

I'm saddened.

They now have found out how she died; and it was an apparent Heroine overdose, which is 'coincidentally' the same way her mother died.

But they have yet to reveal the toxicology tests. I really hope that she didn't die of that.. it's sad to see the history repeating itself.

There are things in this world...

Exhaustion

Jesus have mercy..

I was EXHAUSTED yesterday.

I don't know if it was the hectic-ness of yesterday evening. I was meant to follow up on yesterday's blog; it was WORSE than the morning! The station that is pictured in the earlier blog did not match how it was when in the evening.

I had to take the bus, and even the bus was the worse decision to make because the bus stops were rammed with people and their expletives.
So many buses zoomed by because they were packed with people-- I think I got on the 4th or 5th bus that passed. The trains were all delaying and cancelling.. so I couldn't really do much.

When I finally boarded the bus, why did it take 2 hours or I think it was an hour and a half to get to where I was  going? I was going to church for prayers--- I was late, but I still made it in for a couple of prayers.

And when I got home.. I literally collapsed on my bed.. my whole body was sore; but I just think that was from the hecticness of work.. as well as the running around of the hectic train station.

But I also think the holiday is catching up with me too.. None of those did I sleep early.. I was always up late, or I literally stayed up all night-- and to go back to the routine of waking up at 6am is hitting me hard.

Oh well, I'll be back to normal next week.. where there is not ANOTHER tube strike.

Great.

x