Tube strikes, foggy mornings

Well this morning was interesting as ever..

I had to queue up to board my train, and instead of my normal 7:45 train... I had to jump on an 8.00 train.
But they seem to have calculated how much people they let in quite well, because there was a little room to at least be able to move from someone's butt being on yours on the train. How they did it was like groups for each train time.. it was.. an interesting experience. And then the lovely and frustrated traveller exclaiming 'F off, I'm trying to pass' Everyone's trying to get to work... so there was really no need for that..

It was incredibly smoggy/foggy this morning as well-- It wasn't that thick like fog, fogginess, it was like a bit misty.. it was a little out of place for my liking, but it seems to have cleared up now.

But these tube strikes.. they've had so many now and nothing's changing.. I just think it's their way of just having a day or two off to be honest-- but can you imagine-- just a tube strike has such an impact on the transport in London.

I always marvel at it because it's something else.

But the station you see there must look familiar, and I did expect it to be busy.. but it was literally like MANIC. Screaming train station conductors standing at about every point of the platforms..

It was just... meh!

And they made everywhere very restricted, so there was no option to go through the passageway or the tunnel.. it was either you HAVE to go through the tunnel to exit and you HAVE to go through the passageway to get onto a platform.

Lawd. Just let this be over and let me be able to get a seat on my normal 7:45-- actually! Even that I had to change, USUALLY I get catch a 7:39 train, but when I got off my first train, the platform was already at capacity, and there was one word to that: No. The platform is small as it is, there was no way I was getting on that train this morning.

I wonder how it'll be this evening -__-

Peace

I finally feel like.. I'm at some kind of peace in my head.

And I know it's God.. I do get the occasional thought here and there, but that's because of me. In all things we have to make some kind of effort before some kind of change or progression is happening.

My mind isn't as cluttered, and I'm a lot more clear with where I am in people's lives and what I bring.. as well as a whole bunch of other things..

When you know who you are.. you will never have a problem--  that always echoes in my mind, something my spiritual father says a lot, and it's so dang true!

I just hope I can maintain this and not have stupid mood swings and irrational moments.


...and I really want it to be Friday.. :D

A difference to your generation

After this recent programme I've had at my church.. a lot of my persepctives have changed on so many things.

And there was one statement that my spiritual father, Pastor Danso declared that has just stuck within me, and I believe it's a word that needs to be heard by so many people; I've put it on my Facebook, I've written a note on Facebook expanding on it with my own revelations and thoughts, but this was what was said:

"Don't think you are serving God for yourself, you are serving him for your generation"

My goodness gracious.

Immediately though, that took me to Matthew 5:13-16 which reads:

'You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.

You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.'

Salt and light. What does salt do? It adds flavour-- we are all salt in the world; our flavour is our personalities, our outlooks, our perspectives, our opinions-- we are all different. Light. What does that do? Add brightness to wherever it is placed. You are all lights in this world, and are here to make a difference, as well as impact whoever is around you.

The reason why statements and scriptures stay in me is because I feel so many people need to be encouraged and need to understand how important they actually are. We always look down upon ourselves.. and I'm the number one culprit-- 

We think we're not good enough

We think why are we even here?

We compare ourselves and think those other people are better..

But to be honest, we were fearfully and wonderfully made.. everything about us was created because that's how we are meant to be. Do you see that there's no one EXACTLY like yourself? Even twins have distinctive differences as much as they may look alike.

It's that deep..

And all I really wanted to say is, keep your head up because you are a lamp in this dark world we are in-- whether we like it or not.. there are things that are unseen that are happening, and if you've allowed God in your life, there is no doubt that he will use you to do great things as well as make a difference to your generation.

I'm not saying that if you don't believe in God you won't be used to do great things-- not at all, but it's just that when you've invited God into your life, because he is not a by force God, if you invite him he will do what he needs to do, because you have made the decision that you want him in your life.

Either way; you were made to impact. You were made to make a difference.

Your life, is not in vain.

x

So tired

I went to bed at 1am last night.. and I'm sooo tired this morning.

Still posting blogs from the comfort of my work computer. (Ha ha)

Not much to say really.. I really really really need my hair to be put away in braids or twists or somethin! But the funds.. I'm gonna have to definitely get it done this month.. because.. having natural hair is good, but it's so much maintenance.. and it's the evenings that get to me..

Blah blah... I'm moaning about my hair too much right? It's at an awkward stage where it's not really really short anymore but it's not long either so it's irritating because the styles don't look right...

Anywho!

Bank Holiday Monday next week.. CAN'T WAIT!

SLEEP!!

:D

How could I forget? Flashback Friday!

I know I haven't done one for two weeks..

A lack of laptop doesn't really help as well...

Anywho!

Very old story I did.. and I really do need to come back to it..

Perfection

I stand in the middle of my room, hesitant to come closer to the mirror. My white T-shirt with winnie the pooh on it drapes over my plump body. I scuttle to the bathroom, face to face with my own unbearable reflection. Large black circles are around my brown eyes. My red tipped fingernails analyse ever imperfection on my face: the red blemish sticking out on my right cheek and the group of small red bumps on my square chin. I groan to myself, the lines on my forehead show in the mirror as I run out of the bathroom. I rummage for the latest health and beauty magazine that I bought. A woman whose body is like a pole, poses provocatively on the front page, her shiny made up face looking into my brown eyes. I flick the pages, remembering I saw an article on skincare. My slender fingers swipe across each page until I see the word “blemishes.” My eyes widen, scanning every instruction and direction. I dump the magazine, and scurry back to the bathroom. Cold, slimy, sticky, warm"I put different products in the palm of my hand. My index finger, the red polish starting to chip, I wipe the cream on my forehead, cheeks and chin. I slam the container on the ledge, and I look at myself. My hair is ruffled, and the crust still dangles from my eyelashes. I press my plump lips together and vigorously wipe off the cream with a piece of toilet paper. I notice a little beam of sunlight shining on the black carpet. I grab the rough material until I can’t see it anymore.

“Tiff! Breakfast!” My mother shouts from downstairs.

I roll my eyes, and stroll out of the room, cautiously descending each step. I see the light shining from the kitchen. I see the food on the table; the steam is floating away from the food.

“I’m going back upstairs mom.” I say with no emotion.

“Why? You need to eat something, you haven’t had anything all day.” She says, without laying her eyes on me.

“Well, I’m not eating.”

Before I let my mother say anything, I’m already upstairs in my dark room. I turn the lock slowly, feeling the cold metal and head to my bed. I sit down on my bed, it creaks. I grunt looking around my room. I notice my mirror again. I flinch, my brunette hair brushing across my shoulders. I take a deep breath and get up. I stretch to the curtain, letting a small beam of sunlight illuminate the room. My flat feet brush across the black carpet. My image in the mirror gets bigger. I stare at my reflection. I put my hands on my hips, like the models do, analysing every part of my body. I put my two index fingers on either side of my mouth forcing my lips to pout. I let out a sigh. I lift up my long shirt; revealing my round belly folding over my pants. I rub my belly, holding onto the roll of skin hanging. I take my hands off it; taking a deep breath, I suck in my gut. A smile creeps onto my lips. It disappears. I examine my body: bumpy, smooth, bumpy again. Stretch marks. I scoff and I let my shirt cover my body. I shake my head and gaze at the side table drawer. I scurry over and open up the last drawer. The sunlight has disappeared, as I rummage through it. A bottle. The contents inside of it rattle like a maraca. I perch on the edge of the bed; my hands shaking, I pour the contents in my chubby palm. I fold my fingers over it and close my eyes.

A question to myself.

I've been at my job, for 4 years.

I've seen 4 different people come and go that work beside me..

Yet I'm still in the same position.

Is there something wrong somewhere?

Mind you, I like my position.. I'm comfortable with it, and this is not the job that I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life. I like where I am.. and the variety of my job.

But.. people either leave or get moved to another position..

Is there something I'm doing wrong here?

Holidays are over

Well... seeing as I STILL have no laptop...

I was on holiday from my blog for two weeks too..


But yeah, not much went on--- just got a lot of church things done, rested.. reflected, recuperated...

And.. yeah.

Will fill you in, in more depth in another blog

x

Misconceptions of life

So... I'm on holiday now.

2 weeks.

Still no laptop. So working with what I have.. But it's still not enough.

I won't complain.

But.. We are such complicated beings. So many layers, so many walls, so much things..
I don't even know where to begin..

But.. I'm dealing with my inner self this week.. Because that's where everything reflects from.

This will be an interesting holiday.

False Belief-- Flashback Friday

False Belief

It’s been 5 years since I’ve actually talked to my mother seriously. The house is dark, because she’s afraid of running up the electricity bill. The only form of electricity is the television. She’s watching her regular GOD channel service at 6pm. I remember she missed a service, locked herself in her room, and prayed for 3 hours straight; repenting her sins and all. I’m sitting in my room, biting my nails and looking at the inspirational lines I made for myself when I’m ever stuck in a rut. I am stuck in a rut. I can hear my mother singing her hymns, speaking in tongues, and clapping.

5 years ago, I was 15, overweight, and had low self esteem. I had a couple of friends here and there, but I truly had one friend. We’re still friends now, we talk, but we don’t talk about everything. It’s an unequal friendship. She tells me every little detail about her life. I can’t. I’m paranoid about what people will think of me if I tell anyone this. When I was younger, I could tell my mother anything. I remember I told her that I won’t get a boyfriend until I’m 50. That’s how bad I felt about myself. I want to tell my mother this, but I’m afraid of what she’ll think of me when I do. What am I going to do if she doesn’t accept what I tell her? My friends will accept me; I know that for one thing, I know that they’ll always be there. But my mother, she disowned my older brother because he’s gay. Her belief is, that men should like women, and women should like men. That’s how God made us, she said to me. She doesn’t talk to him. She doesn’t visit him. He doesn’t exist. I still talk to him of course, he’s blood. I accept him. I can’t abandon him. I am her only child now, and I don’t want to let her down if I tell her this.

I hear the priest on the television finishing his service. I can hear my mother repeating, “Praise his name! Praise his name!” I take a deep breath, and continue to read one of my inspirational phrases that stick out at me: “Through thick and thin, family will always be there.” I re-read it 10 times. I’m nibbling at the skin of my thumb. My stomach gurgles. I hear my mother calling my name. I stand up, and read my phrase one last time. I walk out of my room, and into the living room lit with the lights of the TV.

“Yes, mom?”
“So what is this you wanted to talk to me about?”

I sit in the chair opposite of her and face the television. I see in the corner of my eye her doing the sign of the cross.

“Well, I just feel I haven’t talked to you like I usually have.”
“Ok, well what’s going on?”
“Ok, well I talked to Dave the other-“
“Hannah, you know we don’t mention that name in this house.”

She looks at me dead in my face.

“Ok, I’ll get to the point then mom.”
“Yes?”
“Well you know how I’ve been with Greg for 3 years now?”
“Yeah, you guys need to get married so I can have me some grandchildren!”
“Well... that’s just it mom.”
"What?”

“You’re going to have a grandchild, in about 9 month’s time.”

So need to edit this story... Another one of my favourites though..

Childhood crushes

I just heard someone say the name, 'Antoine' and it made me remember a boy I used to like back in the 3rd grade!

(I was in America those times)

3rd Grade is equivalent to Year 4 here.

Yeah, so at the age we don't know a dang thing! I was convinced I was in love with this boy, writing 'secret admirer' notes, and what made it worse is he lived on the same road as me as well, so not only going to the same school, but also living near enough to each other.. Lawd!

My mother caught me writing one of my secret admirer notes.. and oh my goodness gracious.. How embarrassing! But he never found out it was me, so nevermind!

But when we're children, we're in love literally every day.. lol.

I just found that random flashback humorous. 

Anyway, the day has finally come... and I'm so happy. 

FRIDAY!

x

I'm so proud of him!!!!

This is someone that I admire, and I'm proud to have met him.



I am sooo proud of him.. he has come such a long way.



So amazing what faith, strength and perseverance can get you.



xx

Knowledge

Well.. I was reading some articles in the guardian on my phone..

And I came across two articles that struck up some questions in my mind.

One was about using ketamine to help treat depression..
And the other was one about children staying at home due to the smog that seems to be hovering around London.

Now, the whole Ketamine use thing-- Ketamine is a drug, we all know that, but the main worry I have is that they're going to upgrade it to a Class B drug because they are aware that it's caused psychological and physical harm to people who use it for recreation.. so what's stopping the people from being 'prescribed' Ketamine for their supposed 'depression' to abuse it and use it as recreation as well?

There's always pros and cons with drugs and being prescribed drugs, it's so easy to overdose, but at the same time they seem to help with certain sicknesses, YET they have serious side effects, for example, when taking the Ketamine, you're prone to vomiting, suicidal episodes, and anxiety. To me, when taking any type of medication or prescribed drug, I think the side effects overbear the actual reason why you're taking it to aid in helping rid of whatever you've been diagnosed with!
Depression though, I believe is a very varied psychological sickness and everyone reacts differently to drugs and treatment. But, who knows..


Next.

This smog came from nowhere. It is worrying because for the past couple of mornings it's been quite foggy, or misty rather, and there's a particular smell in the air, it's not sulfur, but it's that kind of smell, if that makes sense? It doesn't look good, and I really wonder what's going to happen-- we can't all just be cooped up in our houses due to polluted air? The air is already polluted due to bus and car fumes, cigarette smoke etc. But they're saying the air quality NOW due to the smog has been lowered.. and people with asthma or any other breathing complication will be affected...

Hm.. sometimes the news can be a little depressing at times to be honest! lol

On a lighter and brighter note, I have one more day left until I'm on break!!
And I'm very proud of myself this morning... I caught my train after a 2 minutes dash from the bus stop to the station, (I got off the bus at 7:18, and my train alights at 7:20, to leave for 7:21.)
Lawd! My legs were wobbly already because I was tired.. so I think I did well!

Looking to get back into swimming during this time off as well hopefully!

x

Oh, my God.

I am the most inconsiderate, stupid, self centered person ever.

And, I think one of my prayers has been answered.

I have the biggest apology to make today. Not on the phone either. But in person.

This person may not even see it as anything.. but I understand. Fully.

And because I'm thinking of myself and how I feel...

This person said so many things before and I didn't think of it as anything, but anything that comes out of a person's mouth has meaning behind it.. and it's only now that I've understood the depth.

God forgive me.

I hope this person forgives me.

..Sorry but..

EAST CLAPHAM?


Brixton... to EAST CLAPHAM?

Anyone see this article yesterday?

It better be an April's Fool article.. because Lawd.


No.

I'm not understanding this...

So after 5 years..

I'm really sad this year.. in regards to my mother.

I'm not understanding this? The years have flown by, and I know my mother has passed and what not-- but why am I feeling it now?

I felt down on Mother's day... and we're in April, I feel more down.. it's not down as in depressed, but there is a twitch in my heart feeling the absence of no mother.

I have a spiritual mother and I thank God for that, but no one can replace my mother.

Lord, I don't know what this is, but please let me have peace. It's weird that after all of these years I'm JUST feeling like this--

I can't really comprehend.. it's sadness and emptiness and feeling lost.

When I hear the complaints of the people around me about their parents and how they hate their mother's and how they wish they would die, and what not-- Well, my mother IS dead, and I didn't wish for that. Yeah.. we all have our moments where we had an argument with our parents or they said something that we didn't want to hear, but needed to hear.. and we didn't like it.. we say all kinds of things.

But the truth of the matter is, at least you have your parents there. At least you have guidance. At least you have a mother to go to when no one else can understand you..

Seeing all of those mother's day statuses and pictures on FB.. I was just.. empty.

But it's life.. I know I'm meant to be strong, and I know where my life is headed.. I know there are so many people that will need my support, and by this experience, I will be able to help all of those people..

Didn't mean for such a melancholic kind of mood.. but this is what a blog is for ya see!

x

Strength

'Once a upon a time, you asked me why did I like you-- you remember? I liked you because you're strong.'

This was from the last episode of 'My Mad Fat Diary' last night. Fell in love with the show with the plethora of issues that are in the show, and the time at which it's set..

Anyway, my point is, strength. Why would that be such a quality that would cause someone to like someone else?

For many different reasons. I think the main reason is, despite what the person is going through, they can still have that on them, and still be able to deal with the other issues involved with the people around them. I guess you could call it a form of stability or comfort knowing that this person is strong enough to be able to still be there for you.

Either way, strength is something we all have--- and I'm not talking physical strength.. muscles.. etc, I'm talking about emotional strength.
Things could be breaking down left, right and center, but despite that, you're still together, and you're still coping..

This is how I was at my mother's funeral/the announcement of my mother's death. My mother's funeral, I did cry, but throughout the day, I was the one comforting people-- they cried more than I did, and I was the one supporting-- I got told I was strong, and I didn't really know what that meant until I heard that line yesterday-- (can you imagine one bit of dialogue from a fictional television show can make my mind do this.)

But what I'm getting at is we all have inner strength-- and just because you cry doesn't mean you're weak. Crying is a form of release.. a way of getting the stress, the sadness, the anguish, the anger, everything-- out.

Some people tend to just have more strength than others-- it could be obtained in so many ways, or maybe it was always instilled inside of you.
And with this inner strength, it will always get tested-- and the only way it will build up is through experiences in life, let downs, set backs, failures.. that's how you become strong.

So if you see in your life that you experience so much set back, so much failure or rejection-- whatever it maybe-- it's not the end of the road and it's only making you stronger.

And this topic has so inspired me to write a story too.

lol. Writers eh? Isn't it great :p