Writing out loud

Been writing.. the old skool way with a pen and notebook..

I have to say, I almost forgot how therapeutic it feels..
Wrote a little of what was on my mind yesterday.. and I'm just like *sigh*

But I just need to take it as it comes.. there's so many questions I ask myself.. but then i don't even have the answers.. so I stay there agitated because I have no answers...

So silly.

Oh well.. will definitely get some writing done tonight again..

Zendaya + Natural Hair + Stereotypes

Reading about what Giulana Rancic from 'E' entertainment said about Zendaya's hairdo at the Oscars didn't phase me in the slightest, because this isn't the first time something like this has happened.. racist outbursts are said but done in the most subtle way, and just slip in between the cracks-- the comment although, was completely unacceptable.
Saying that her hair:  “smells like patchouli oils….and weed.”

Hold up, wait a minute!

Do you not see how racist that comment is? Sadly enough I was just thinking about this the other day that racism is still very much evident, even in this time and age. As much as her comment  got laughed off by her fellow colleagues on the 'Fashion police', it definitely was not-- in any shape or form- a laughing matter.

LOOK at this gorgeous-ness! Why would such a stereotypical ignorant view be said? It's like to say that all black people smell-- which I have heard being said before!
I mean, a lot of the time in the media, when things like this are being said, they are just shrugged off, when really it is a big deal and it does need to be addressed.

But Zendaya responded beautifully and maturely to such a childish slur:

Even if she (Giulana) said it for comedic purposes... it wasn't funny. At all. In the slightest. 

Flip it around, if something was said about Giulana, I bet the media would have a lot to say on it.

It just saddens me that people still have this stereotypical view of black people-- we are all meant to be equal, but some people-- I guess do not feel that way, and this is why such things like what was said about Zendaya, still happen.

I mean, I love how Zendaya embraced such a style, it represents beauty, versatility and uniqueness-- and for it to be made so small and to be put in a box by just a couple of words.

Ridiculous.

But each to their own. Zendaya pwned Giulana. End of.

Rock on, girl.

Who am I?

There's something that my spiritual father always says.. And I tend to think about it and then push it to the back of my mind..
He says 'The reason why a lot of people are suffering is because they do not know who they are'
And my first thought was 'Well, I know who I am.. I'm Diana' and that's when I push it back.

But really.
Who am I? I'm a person who is very in tune.. Or i'd like to believe I have a level of intuition, I am really passionate, emotional, loving, caring-- I can be possessive, jealous, passive aggressive..
But in all these things, is this who I am, or am I just recycling this from what people have told me? Because you know sometimes people can tell you how you are and you take it on board..

I definitely do think about it.. And I do analyze myself on a daily basis..

It's I still have issues about myself that I need to deal with, but are those issues the result of not knowing who I am?
Like, someone can say to me I'm a great person, but I instantly shut it down.. I don't believe I am.. And I guess this is where the issue lies..

It's a lot.. But I will get there.

Realizations

Well.

God has touched me. He touched me real good. He dealt with me REAL good.

Because you know what.. as much as I perceive myself as a strong person-- well, I have to be I have no other choice-- I have my weak moments. I have my flaws. I have the times where I just want to bury my head in someone's arms and cry my heart and my soul out.

Yes.

I have these moments. But I have no one to help me embrace these moments. So I have to continuously stand firm and hold myself together.

It's so hard. God, it's so hard.
But what else can I do? I know for sure that I'm a strength for a lot of people.. so to see me in such a broken state.. well.. it wouldn't discourage them but you know how you just look up to someone so much and you kind of gain your strength from that person kind of thing?

Yeah.

Well. I've realized that.. whether I like it or not.. I'll always have flaws. As much as I will have those weak moments, I shouldn't feel as if I'm a weak and helpless person.. it's just what makes us human. We can't ALWAYS be strong.. there will be focal points in our lives where we can break down, but the decision on our part is to get back up.

I'm still learning about myself.. and I really thank God.. because I know he knew EXACTLY what he was doing.

He's really all I have... and I'm thankful.

x

When I think about it...

My life is in the hands of God..

Everything that has happened to me.. and what I've gone through and still going through.. I'm being kept by HIM.
Sometimes when I sit down and reflect.. I go, 'God.. how?' because it's very emotional and very lonely.. but God has me in the palm of his hand.. and I know he's watching over me..

Thank you Lord..
I love you x

A little encouragement/Self improvement goals

On Sunday, there were awards that were given to particular members in my church, and I received one!
An 'Outstanding contribution award' for 'Faithful and diligent service in the GSC Media department'

Because I'm a worker in my church, I'm pretty much there all of the time because the work that needs to be put in and the vision that is over that department is very big! So the work has to definitely be hard and passionate.
But I will be so honest, when I heard my name called I began to shake and was like 'Oh my God' because I was not expecting it at all.
But it humbled me because it means that I am doing something right, and people are seeing my dedication and my love for the church and the vision.
But then it also scared me because it means I have something to maintain, and I hope that I don't begin to lag behind or the dedication begins to waiver or I don't work as hard as I did.

 I will try my best to even work harder than I did last year.

I was encouraged by a fellow sister of mine in church who told me that I did deserve the award and that I'm strong and 'nothing seems to bother me' and I just 'get on with it' which I went 'Really?' But it goes to show that people do see what you do and are quietly encouraged by it.
I was marveled for a little bit but it did encourage me a lot.

Now.
I've been quietly contemplating how I'm going to improve myself this year. I have so many flaws about myself that CAN be changed for the better.. and so that I can grow and excel in life. Because there are things about us that can literally stop your own growth and progress.

So.. for this year I'm--

**Going to work on my self confidence
**Going to work on speaking in front of people (I've improved but I'm going to have to get a lot better)
**Going to work on my emotions
**Going to work on reactions
**Going to work on letting things go (really letting things go and not convincing myself they have gone but they really aren't)
**Going to work on MY MIND, and think more positively.
**Work hard on my prayer life, get it back to where it used to be.

There's others but these are the ones that are at the front of my mind right now.

2015.. I believe will be a good year for me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I feel... so much better.

Happier.

Upbeat.

Ready to tackle the ride of 2015.

2014 was a very horrible year for me for many reasons... but it wasn't all horrible.
Glad I can finally say 2014 is in the past.

I really have a positive outlook on this year..

It's my year to build, as my spiritual father has declared, a year of building myself, building houses.. etc.

So I'm definitely going to work on myself this year.. emotionally, physically and spiritually..

I will try my best.


x