On the 31st...

THIS.

I cannot wait.

So.. it's the end of term

...but I'm working for an additional three days next week.

I feel. Blank. Emotionless. Still.

Just. here.

I dunno if I'm excited or sad about the festivities and the overall holidays.

I just don't know..

Hm.

Realizations

I had a good pen and book session last night, and I came to realize so many things that I'm feeling that are completely irrational and unfinished.
These are things that I have decided to hold onto when they aren't doing any good to me, my mind or my spirit.

They are toxic.
So they need to be flushed out.

This all deals with the whole 'my mind being my own demon' thing that I mentioned not too long ago.
But what can I do?

I need to be positive-- to myself. I can be positive for other people.. But myself... It's a whole other ball game.
Before the year ends... I cannot enter the new year with such toxic thoughts and fabrications.

Sometimes I wonder how I can think of such things..
God. Your help. Please.

Inwardly

I was just thinking to myself..

'I'm going to be 27'

What do I have to show for it?

I don't FEEL like I'm nearing 30.. I still feel like I'm the same 21 year that I've always been. It's like once I hit that milestone.. I don't feel like I've aged... it's just the number that has increased.

I have definitely matured and I have definitely learned a lot about myself within the 5 years.. I've definitely grown.. (especially dealing with the tragic loss of my mother)

But it's like.. what do I have to show for all of these years that have passed? What have I accomplished? I have yet to write a book.. ok.. so I have been published, and I am a little more known in cyber world due to my writing (Well.. apparently.. some random person on twitter put me on their list for 'Writers to look out for in 2015')

But I dunno.. I feel like there's heaps more that I can accomplish, and that I will accomplish because I can feel with all of my bones that next year will be a year to remember-- for the good. It's about time I step up.

I pray to God that this is not empty speech, but I will have something more tangible to acknowledge in this blog next year.

There is always room to do more, and that's what I'm going to have to do!

"You still have time"

'How old are you?'

''26"

"Oh ok, you still have time to get married then"

What does this mean?

Is there a time limit on when you should be married? Who made the rules up to when you should get married? Is there a designated age where you NEED to be married before you start to look weird to people?

I've been getting this a lot of late, and just had to pose that question out. Like... it's always at the back of my mind but I'm not worrying too much about it--I'm not focused on it too much anymore because to me it's just 'When it happens, it happens..'

But it was just a passing thought..

5 years, today.

I had to have a release.. I posted on my Tumblr in regards to my mother's death.

This month in particular I really don't know why it's hit me so hard-- but I just wrote a little of my heart .. and just expressed how much I miss her and how much I want to make her proud.

Now.

I don't know what else I can do really.. I'm just trying to be a good person and to be successful. But it's so hard when you are by yourself. By yourself meaning no parents, no relatives, no anybody. I DO have parents, spiritual parents, but it's not the same as having a physical parent there with you all of the time. I'm grateful for them, because they have helped me in the most smallest of ways.

Only realising now that I lost my mum at 21, I've had to literally grow up by myself, learn the right things to do.. (again with my spiritual parent's guidance)
You feel a bit different when you overhear people talking about their parents, and that they are going to visit them, or they're planning to buy them things for their birthdays and for Christmas..

And you're just there.. thinking about the mother that you used to have.
And no one can really empathize with you because they all still have their parents. So all you can do is smile and nod, and try your best not to mention the fact that you don't have any parents.

One thing that I always notice is, for people who don't know that I lost my mother, they ask me, (this usually happens at work.)
'So, who do you live with, your mom?'
And then I hesitate to answer, and go 'My mother's dead'
And there's a short pause, and then 'Oh, I'm sorry.'

I just brush it off, and go 'It's ok' Because IT IS ok. Just because the person is dead doesn't mean you need to act differently-- I know it's to pay respect for the person that has died.. but there shouldn't be any awkwardness or anything. But how else are you supposed to respond..
But within this five years I definitely have mothers that God has placed in my life.. I have two. I can call them mothers because they love me like I'm their daughter, and they take care of me as if I am one of their own.

It's still not the same. It's never the same.
But I am always grateful.

If it wasn't for God.. I don't think I'd be here.
Because losing a mother at any age I think it's heartbreaking.. and a big chunk of yourself is lost.

I don't really know how else to describe it.. I'm hanging in there. I just need to get through today and let God take control. Well really, the month just needs to pass..

It's like.. I've lost her again for the second time.. it feels like I'm going through it all gain-- hence the feeling of mourning. It's so strange and I don't think anyone will understand me.. and that's ok.

I was quietly tearing up on the train this morning while I was writing that Tumblr entry.. and looking at a picture of my mother's smiling face-- it was before her health deteriorated.

And oddly enough I have a friend who also lost his mother in this same month, not too long before my mother's death.. and this is a male. I thank God that he has also kept him.
God is amazing you know.. you think you're going through it by yourself, when he is there holding your hand all the way through.

I wonder sometimes will I forget about her? Will I forget what she looks like? Will i forget her voice?

One thing I imagine is standing on a stage, or standing somewhere, cameras on me, thanking my mother for allowing me to be born and to honour her for all she has done for raising me up to be the person I am today.
It will happen.

A better week

I believe.

Feel a little more at ease today.. had a good release with God...

My emotions and my mind are so all over the place at the moment, but I know things can only get better.

I'm always on a positive slate because negativity takes so much out of you.. so much energy.. so much peace.. I don't want that.

As the year is ending.. I'm also reflecting.. this 2015 that is coming needs to be so much different from the past 3 or 4 years.. take risks.. do things I thought I couldn't..

I mean I'm gonna be 27 next year.. what can I say for myself about the achievements I've made?

The time is now...!