Flashback Monday (since I didn't do it on Friday..)

Completely forgot about it!

Well.. here's another one of my past writings..

Conscience

He whispers sweet nothings in her pierced ear. They have been doing the same routine for two years. He calls her at the same hour, telling her what he thinks she needs to hear.

She’s had enough of the ‘I wishes’ and the ‘I wants’ No more.

She can’t fight the temptation to run back into his arms. He holds her so close… the smell of his aftershave mesmerizes her as his arms drape across her shoulders. He has her captivated in his spell. But she can’t do it anymore.

It’s not that easy for her to push him away. She looks at him and sees he is so comfortable in this situation. But why is she so bothered? A hopeless romantic—who only wants to be loved—just like all of the women she sees in the films. But she’s not them.

No. It’s much more than that. The urge comes within her to tell him. She’s sick and tired of this vicious cycle of pent up emotions, unsaid words, and impulsive actions. She doesn’t want to lie anymore.

She stands at the white door. The white door that has witnessed their adultery.

She can hear movement inside. She raises her clutched hand to the door to knock, and looks down at the green carpet lining the entire hallway. She sighs. She hears footsteps coming towards the door and starts to panic. But there’s nowhere to hide.

“Jess?” His voice soothes her soul.

“David!” She masks the sorrow in her voice with surprise.

“What are you—“

“I can’t do it anymore David!”

She flings her arms around him.

They kiss. Her lips pressed up against his, she loves this. She loves getting lost in his eyes, she loves being in that trance, not aware of the world. But she is in the world. She knows she’s not meant to be in this love trap anymore. She’s sinking in quick sand, but refuses to fight herself free.

This is a story I never finished!! Lawd... I must revisit this..

Don't judge me.. God is all I have..

Well.. I've been meaning to do a post like this for a while. I don't want it to be too long so you lose interest, but I want it to be in depth enough for you to understand and understand well.

I've always believed in God. But the belief was nowhere near the way it is now. My mother wasn't heavily Christian, and we weren't a family that went to church habitually every Sunday. Well, we didn't go to church at all.

We had faith. And we believed that there was someone watching over us.

I remember (this was when we were all in America; I used to live there...) we were having a conversation about heaven and God, and what we believed.. and we all believed something.

We still didn't go to church.

We all came back to London in 2002, and my mother fell ill around 2007, going to 2008, and she was on a rapid search for a healing. We went to about 2 or 3 different churches, until we found my church now, God's Solution Centre.

Now before I get into that, even before we did that, we were making constant trips to the hospital, I had to sacrifice days of uni to go and accompany her because there would be some days where she would be too weak to go by herself, and she kept on deteriorating.

When we set foot at God's Solution Centre, our faith soared. 

She started to get a little better--- but then tragically in 2009, she died of a heart attack, brought on by the cancer she had been suffering from, called Multiple Myeloma. (Has to do with the bone marrow..)

Now you would have thought that this kind of thing would have made me lose all faith in God.

It didn't.

It grew stronger. I obtained enough knowledge to understand that God gives and he takes away-- and also that God will always want our attention, and I believe this was God's way of seriously grabbing mine. 

I wouldn't say that my mother was my god per se-- but she was someone that was my source of strength and joy, as much as she would get pissed off at me, she was still my friend at the end of the day, and my mom.

But anyway, when she died, my faith grew, and I know that God wanted to use me for something great. I didn't endure all of that to not become strong out of it. My brother, who is currently estranged at the moment, completely broke down, and up until now is still asking, 'Why did God take her away?'

God isn't a mean God. He isn't. Everything he does is for our good. Even if the situation is bad, it's for a reason.

But. Yeah. So once I obtained that knowledge, I kept on feeding myself with more knowledge through my spiritual father, Pastor Abbeam Danso and here I am today.

Facebook statuses, twitter statuses, etc, this is why I flood them with God and how much I love him, because even though I lost my mother, he is still there looking after me, and I have a place to go and be amongst people that have the same faith as me-- these same people helped with my mothers funeral, and were generally-- and still there for me now. Why shouldn't I be eternally grateful to God and my church?

So.. I apologize to anyone that feels like I'm engorging their Time lines and news feeds with too much of God, but I am eternally appreciative and grateful for all that he's done for me, and that doesn't mean I'm going to bash you or whatever because of what you do or don't believe in- I'm sharing my relationship with God with you-- I don't want to be selfish and not let you at least know how God is changing not just my life, but people's lives everyday.

Oh, I didn't tell you.. I was held at knife point in 2009 as well. 

I got mugged. And God kept me.. I could have died-- the knife was held against my stomach-- It was so dark, that  I'm not even sure if it was a knife, i just saw something shiny pointed at me .

Either way, that night could have been the end of me, and I was by myself too.

It may not seem like anything because it's not your life.. it's mine, but I'm sharing how wonderful and beautiful God is. 

I have a relationship with God, that I'm perfecting everyday, and I believe it's selfish to not be able to share the glorious things he has done.

Just because I know God doesn't mean things are peachy. They aren't perfect either. But I'm living. I'm learning, and that is what life is for. To appreciate all it's beauty within the hardships and the joyful times. God has filled in that gap for my mother and become my source of strength, and that driving force backing the faith I obtain.

Romans 1:16 reads

'For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.'

I am not ashamed of God and all that he has done for me-- but I do sometimes become a little worried about what people think about me... because I had a scroll through my Facebook back in like 2004 and my statuses were not like how they were now! I'm not the same person I was then. 

In this life I know people are fine the way they are, they don't need to believe in everything, or even if they do.. I acknowledge that every one's paths are different, and this was mine. I'm still the same as in I still care, I'm still loving, I still worry (I really shouldn't!) and I'm still goofy-- it's just now I acknowledge and accept God in my life.

I've seen that some people I used to talk to have backed away from me.. and don't really talk to me as much.. and if that's due to my heightened faith and spiritual awareness.. then it's all part of the plan of God. I just hope that people aren't intimidated by me and still see me as someone they can still come and talk to.

I was distracted by so many things, and 2009 was the year God decided 'Right. Enough is enough. Her time is coming. I need her attention'

And here I am today.

Licked paper and ripped leggings

So I seem to just have a problem with tights, leggings, and jeans.
THEY ALL LIKE TO RIP!!

Jeans like to rip in the same place, mid upper thigh, in the same oval-ish shape.
I have big legs, I get it..

Tights don't like me.. And rip in the most awkward of ways.. And leggings rip the same way as jeans! Can't a girl catch a break?!

And I really find people that lick their fingers and turn the page of a paper so cringe worthy..

#rantover

We bless God.
That you and I are alive.

Today.. My mind is in a quandary about a couple of things.. And I found myself thinking out loud about certain things..
When you're doing something right, are you meant to feel as if it's wrong? I don't even know how to explain it..

It's still early.. I'm on my way to work.. I'll just continue to stare at the fog and get lost in the nothingness..

'I'm so sick and tired..'

Double whammy... (I didn't post yesterday)

On the way home on Sunday, I was on the train, and there were three girls that came to fill in the seats that were empty around me. They were all dressed up as if they were getting ready for a night out. They all looked about maybe 18, 19ish and there was one girl who wanted to phone her mother and tell her where she is.

But what she was saying, she was lying.

She told her mother that there was an accident somewhere and she had to get a bus back to where she lives-- (in actuality, they were on a train to Croydon)
Her mother then began to tell her off for 'following her friends' and I can assume the mother was African. After the phone call she began to well up, and say she wants to leave her house and tired of her mother always telling her off.. etc.
Now.. I give the girl points for at least calling her mother and letting her know of her whereabouts, despite that she lied-- but then at the same time her mother shouldn't of had a go at her-- but it could be possible she has done something like this previously, because why would the mother respond in such a way? Even before she phoned her mother, she was expecting her mother to react in some type of way.

Anyway.

Then her other friend phoned, and got caught out because she told her mother she was on a bus, and the train announcement blared through the speakers-- the phone cut out luckily for her, because we went under a tunnel.

I laughed.

Then the third friend phoned.

Now.. what I noticed (I'm a writer.. have to be observant..) was that once the first girl called, all of them called? Which is a good thing.. because even one of the girls said to the first girl that phoned (with the assumed African mum) that she 'wouldn't bother phoning her mother' But she ended up doing it!

Influence?

But.. the point of this is I felt so compelled to say something, after the first girl phoned after her saying she wants to leave her mothers house and she's tired of her.. etc and  because my stop didn't arrive yet-- but all I did was rub her shoulder as I was getting off and say 'Cheer up'
Her friends probably thought I was a weirdo.. but I didn't want to intrude on their conversations-- but I should of said something?

What if God judges me right now and asks why didn't I say something?

You see we have the power to make a difference.. and I wasn't confident enough. All I really wanted to say was something along the lines of is 'where you're going really worth lying to your parents about?' etc.
But I had the thought of, what will they think of me.. and will they just get up and move.. etc

But if it results in saving someone's life.. we shouldn't really care?
And I believe God tests me in this way because this is not the only time a similar situation like this has happened.. I've had people crying in front of me.. and I want to say something but I don't..

I think I've failed a lot of tests...

But.. I always say if you feel it... do it.

Lord have mercy-- give me the boldness to speak!

..And you're probably wondering how this story is so detailed and how I heard everything... I was just quiet and observant.. lol. And this is even good story writing material.

#lifeofawriter

Resist Temptation

Do you find it hard to restrain yourself when it comes to particular things?

Food? Sex? Gossiping? Lying? Splashing the cash?

We're human beings aren't we.. so it's only normal that we will encounter various types of temptations; but it's how you handle them that counts..

Oh... you just see that little bit of chocolate in the shop and you know you're on a diet, or cutting out chocolate from your usual snacking regime.. when you say to yourself 'Oh.. just one bar won't hurt..' and then you find yourself buying that same one bar every week.. when you're not mean to have it at all!

Or.. you've had some history with a particular person and just want to 'reminisce' for old times sake.. the attraction is heavy, and the feelings are jumping around like a teen in heat 'Oh.. just one more time won't hurt, what's the worst that could happen?'
Catching feelings? Catching an STD? The list could go on..

My point is, there are so many things in this world that we give into because we either just want to do it one more time.. or we don't take into consideration the consequences of our actions. Sometimes we just want to be a little daring and take that risk..
I'm always tempted.. and sometimes I do give into temptation.. and then my conscience eats away half of my brain afterwards.

And I literally ask myself why did I do that? Just to feel that smooth chocolatey taste in my mouth one more time... to feel him touching me in ways he shouldn't be... to feel 'prestige' because I bought those new shoes with money that I don't have.. that I bold faced lied in front of my parents face to go out with friends that we both know aren't good for me..

Why?

Temptation is everywhere.. but we have the power to resist it. I've been taught, we know, we KNOW when something is good or something is bad. No one has to say anything, we just know.

But we end up doing it anyway--- I don't want to use that whole 'we're human' line.. because that just gets used to do nonsense...

I know sometimes we have a weak moment and fall into it...

Everything has a consequence.. we just have to be that little bit stronger.


And this is a funny example to how tempting anything can be: (Gotta love Family Guy)

Beautiful Sunday

Ohhh the sun is shining.. And the warmth of the sun tickles my face..

So glad I'm still alive.. And I always say this.. It's an extreme encouragement to me.. Because the it means God wants to still use me for something.
Anything can happen in your sleep, but as long as you're still able to open your eyes and see the colours of your room, and feel the pillow underneath your head.. And acknowledging that you are still breathing...
You're blessed.

I don't even know how else to express it.. We take so much for granted.. We always say 'we'll see you tomorrow', but what if you don't wake up the next day?

Be grateful for all you have, no matter how small.. There's always gonna be someone out there who would wish to have what you have..

Again I say.. You're blessed x
Happy Sunday

Flashback Friday

So.. this may be a new thing.. don't know for sure.

Just went through my past writings... and found this... For people who know me, they will be able to catch it.. and the ones that don't; I lost my mom in 2009 to bone marrow cancer, (Multiple Myeloma), and this was written a little while after.. (well 2 years after..) I didn't like talking about it much because I didn't want empathy or pity, or people hearing me go on and on about my mother's death; and didn't want it to be taken as 'attention seeking' so I let it out in writing.

Thoughts

You don't know what goes on in my mind
The fact that I'm still here is a miracle.
It's all down to time.

2 years ago, my face was soaked in tears.

My whole body, trembling with fear--

My first encounter facing death.


I still can't find anyone to open up to

I don't want to burden anyone

Yes, this is true.


If it weren't for God, I'd be off the rails

Doing who knows what

But the devil would have no way to prevail.

I feel like a child, lost in a shopping centre

Unfamiliar with what's going on around me

How can this be?


But I have this feeling, that someone above

Is guiding me everyday

With an unconditional love


This hole in my heart will eventually be filled.

Time has to pass.

This is only a taste of what's in my mind.


I just thank God

That I'm still alive.