Identity Crisis-- Searching for who I am again

Is it possible to lose your identity within your identity?

What?

Does that even make sense?

Let me break it down a little more...

Me, personally, I'm a mother, a writer, a friend, a sister...
But since I've had kids... it seems all of those other things have faded away and the only thing I seem to be is a mother.

It's not a bad thing-- but it seems as if-- that's all I'm doing.. being a mother. Changing nappies. Baby talk. Feeding. Sleep routines. Discipline. Buying clothes and shoes. Bedtime stories. Bedtime routines..

But all of the other things I am known as are nowhere to be found. I'm so encapsulated on being a good mother that.. the rest have disappeared.

It's so funny how I read something similar about how being a mother shouldn't stop me of forgetting who I am... and it's so true.
Having children are blessings.. but it is all determined on what you do.

It's horrific to read stories and hear things on the news about mothers or parents even, that have killed their children and then killed themselves. But for what?

This doesn't only apply to mothers.. fathers too. We all were someone before we had children and having children doesn't change that fact-- what are we going to leave behind for our children when all we are doing is just knowing how to be a good parent?

Really... an identity crisis is figuring out who you are; whereas this is more of seeking your identity.

You want to try so hard to be a good role model for your child.. a good parent... just to do what is right by your child.. but you get so lost in that, that you forget everything else that you used to do.

I used to write.. a lot.
Writing has become non existent. And so many people ask me why am I not writing...
Writing in itself is not an easy craft, mind you! But I always thank God for giving me the gift to write-- I need to use it!
Being a parent can be so frustrating and stressful, especially when your child is going through growth spurts, teething, developmental milestones... it's neverending to say the least.
You can get so lost in the cycle of parenthood that you're not able to make time for yourself.

But that's just it... you gotta MAKE the time. Anytime you have free.. utilize it.

This is literal mumbo jumbo going on in my mind that I just wanted to put down. It may not make sense to you, but it makes a whole lotta sense for me!

The motherhood dilemma: Going back to work or stay at home

So.

It's been about a year since I've written a single word in here.


Don't beat me up... life gets in the way sometimes... situations get in the way sometimes.. but at the end of it all I do come back!

It's been a whirlwind of a year though.

Because of some staff changes and developmental changes in my workplace, I decided to stay at home and take care of my children.

It wasn't an easy decision because to be honest, I didn't want to be a mother on benefits; but to be honest I feel I need to spend time with my kids and make sure they are prepared when they start primary school.

I was in Primark the other day, and I bumped into a young lady who had a 1 year old-- it's her first child, and she's a single mum so she's had to go back to work against her will. Now she wants to change her decision because she feels she's not able to spend as much time with her son as she likes but the workplace is giving her hell.

Even when I was working-- when I would finish work and come home I'm so tired, that I can't even have quality time with my children.. it would be time for bed anyway!
And then the whole childcare situation...

Childcare is an absolute biatch-- I really didn't see a point of going back to work to practically be working to pay off childcare fees.

So tada. Here I am.

A letter to my Son (Part 2)

If you want to read part one, it's HERE.

Dear Matthew,

I've only known you for 5 months-- but I have fallen in love all over again. Despite me forgetting a lot of how to take care of a new born, everyday I am being reminded because obviously, your older brother went through the exact same process as you! Meeting milestones, growing month after month-- the first smiles, the rolls, eating solids, crawling-- and I'm already experiencing some with you!

You are so different from your brother-- but that is to be expected because you are two different people!(babies, lol) I can't wait for your personality to truly unfold and I get to see your character in full! I can already get a hint of how you are, but when you start crawling and becoming more independent-- I can't wait.

You were a very big surprise for mummy-- but I am so happy God has blessed me with you. It can be challenging at times with handling you and your brother-- I have my days where I'm down and I even question my ability; but just to see you and your brother smiling and laughing-- it means I am definitely on the right track!

The first time I heard you laugh.... MY HEART! And the fact it was the first time and I heard it first, it was a very beautiful moment for mummy! I almost cried!

What caused my heart to just burst is when you look at your older brother and smile at him. Even though you are only 5 months at the moment, I know you know that is your brother and  you love him!
I can already foresee that you guys will be best friends... you will quarrel.. and you will disagree... but at the end of the day, you guys will always have each other's backs.

I can't wait to see how God is going to use you my son..
Mummy loves you so much

xxxxx

Strength

Strength.
What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear that word?
Bulging biceps? a six pack? Eight pack?

That is a particular type of strength but not the one that I'm going to address to you today.

Each and everyone of you has an inner strength that you tend to overlook. As you venture through life, and experience problems and what it may appear as situations that you think you will never come out of-- some way or another you come out of those problems, stronger than you were before.

Do you know why? Even though you maybe cried, lashed out, felt to give up-- you were still able to stand; you were still able to endure and you were still able to persevere. All of these things show that you are strong.
Life doesn't always go the way we want it to, but God is taking us down the path he has destined for us-- it will not always have a straight road-- it will be bumpy, it will be curvy, there will be some places where we slightly go off course; but as we endure in these times, we will end up where we are meant to be.

Every situation we encounter is for a purpose-- we will never see why until we come out, but one realization is that you see it makes us stronger, so when we encounter the next problem, we are able to stand even stronger than before.

Life isn't easy-- but it's worth every day, every second and every minute. Appreciate and be grateful you have the gift of life.

God first

When you wake up in the morning... do you first tell God 'Thank you?'
I will be so honest with you... the first thing I do when I wake up is look at my phone. It's due to the world we are living in now.. everything is heavily technology based so it's so easy to forget about God and focus on the world.

But with being a child of God, it is imperative that we devote our days, our life in the hands of God.
He is our scriptwriter, he is our maker, he is our all in all, he is the one that guides us everyday.
Especially with a being a mommy-- I always pray for my kids and pray that God will always keep them safe and protected.

But what it actually means by 'putting God first' is remembering him in everything that you do-- when you are looking for a job, when you want to make new friends, when you are deciding on a new career, when you want to look for a partner, when you even want to just go out-- put God first. Ask him, 'Is this what I'm meant to be doing today?' and he will most definitely give you the answer. God speaks to us everyday but we just aren't listening. We are too busy focused on making money, and our own passions that we forget about the purpose to why we have been put here.

We are human and we will forget things and make mistakes, but God is a loving God and understands. All we need to do is run back to him. He knows what is best for us, and he knows where he wants to take us-- we just have to involve him in all that we do and he will show himself strong in our lives.

Matthew 6:33
" But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

Humbled life

Being a mother is a blessing in so many different ways--- it's not an easy task, but it's something I always give praise to God because I didn't even know if I was going to be a mother.
To be honest, you don't need to have a child to be called a mother-- but personally, I didn't think I'd have children.. I wanted them but I didn't know when or if it was going to happen.

One thing about being a mother is your children teach you a lot. Children are so innocent and so honest it's unbelievable. Can you imagine this is how God wants us to be like?

Matthew 18:3
"And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."

Let me not digress from what I want to say-- but if you observe how a child is, you will understand this scripture wholehear
tedly.

Anyway, having children, raising them and just being around them teaches you so many life lessons-- it causes you to be patient, to be more observant, and to be more understanding. When children aren't at the stage where they can't talk or are just learning to talk, they use signs to communicate, or they cry and it takes you as the parent to understand what they need.

To be honest, having children humbles you-- because as an adult you have a level of pride in you-- but there's these little things that children do that just put you back in line-- especially when you don't take the time to understand their need and you end up lashing out or shouting and all they wanted was for you to cuddle them.

This life is a continuous journey of life lessons-- pick up that book and make notes!

Time to yourself

It's been a long time I've posted...

Definitely not intentional... sometimes life just gets in the way.. or you lose motivation... so many things get in the way, and if we allow it to... we delay ourselves.

I just got a new laptop.. by the grace of God.. so now I'll be able to post more and do more things writing related.. because tbh I've been very demotivated...

But God willing you will be seeing me more again

x